OK, so I was bored and thought I would make something good out of it so here it is.
Tears stain my face
as sleep finally calls me,
it whispers quietly in my ear,
"It will be OK", it says,
but even it betrays me
with nightmares.
"Why", I ask it?
Why can't you relieve me,
as you used to?
it replies, "You pain has killed me
along with yourself I am dead,
I can no longer bring you peace,"
it gently whispers.
I cry for the lose drug
I once held
this is now void
because of me.
There must be another cure
for this emptiness.
My wrist screams at me
telling me to show the world
their blood.
I agree solemnly
maybe the pain will leave
and give me relief,
but no,
they to betray me,
by leaving scars
to remind me of the pain,
I so want to forget.
What else can there be
to save me from this suffering?
A pill calls gently
luring me to it
"Take me," it calls.
All your problems could be healed.
I reach for the pill,
and let it take over,
but in the end
it takes away everything,
and leaves me with a desire
for more.
"Why", I ask it?
but it has no reply.
Again I search in vain
for a cure,
I go to eat,
and my stomach cries
"Leave me empty,
and I will bring you joy."
but after time
all it gave me
was skin and bones
and ugliness.
"What else can I try",
I scream out to no one
but something replies,
"Death is the answer,
to all your petty problems."
I ask,
"Will you betray me,
like all the others?"
"No," it answers.
So out of misery I take my last breath,
and it doesn't betray me.
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140,573 Literary Works • 673,519 Reviews
Thank you Kamas, I know it's not really original so I will get back to thinking. I had to read your review again because the first time it just kinda went over my head haha. I was like hmmmmmm um what? haha Anyway and it wasn't a bad review silented, it makes me think that you are a little crazy....just kiding haha.
Honestly, I was laughing. It was depressing, it was more so look at me, I can self destruct. This has a lot of ideas and thoughts over "poetic" words or phrases, for me atleast. It seemed to be more so a telling over a showing, everywhere.
(I'd point out but that is almost the entire poem for me.)
Sorry for my bad review. >.>
So, here as requested Flower!
Alright, I'm going to be completely honest with you and tell you I didn't like it.
A 'profound' examination of teenage angst is still angst.
I guess you can get props for covering every stereotype of angst there is. Nightmares, drugs and pills, eating disorders and death.
Is there nothing more original that you could of thought of, maybe relating it to a myth, or some further branched idea. Sticking to the mainstream is boring and you won't improve. Suicide and depression poems are about as original as romantic boyfriend/girlfriend poems, which in turn are about as original as the cheerleader + jock love story.
If you want to make a poem 'deep' as you attempted here, you can't get that across with only ideas. You have to bury it with words and metaphors linked to it. Consider an extended metaphor, it weaves your poem in two way, a less logical way that you are presenting obviously, and a hidden meaning. Then having ideas linked to other ideas, you create a web, and one of the those strands a reader can gab onto and REALLY relate.
One small nitpick:
The conversation is choppy and hard to swallow flow wise. I understand having conversations in poems, but it needs to be carefully worked. You can just throw in a few lines that sound good.
Good luck.
Kamas
Thank you for the reviews and I will emmylou.
Wow Flower Child, that's depressing. What kind of bored are you talking about?
I loved it. I like depressing poems, they give more feeling. I especially liked the end when death whispers no and it does not betray her. That's sad, but it's a great use of words.
Great job, and PM me please if you write any more.
This poem is very depressing.I have one suggestion.
I think you should take out the "It says" because if it whispers it is already saying it. Overall I think you did a good job. Have a great day.Fiction