I sit here and think of you
And all the time I had with you,
But in the end it was all a waste.
I never told you how I felt,
And now you are with someone else.
Your perfect smile, your warm embrace
Oh how I miss your smiling face.
If only I had told you,
Then we could be the perfect two
Just me and you
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
But in the end it was all a waste.
If it din't work
mabe it wasnt ment to be
Just learn from the mistakes
one day you will see
My favorite was the last line
Hello!!
Mmmmh, okay, I'm not particularly sure about what I thought of this poem. It seemed direct and I generally like that In a poem, but maybe It needed more?? But typically, it was short and very nice. Maybe I am underestimating the poem. I really like your ryhme scheme though!
Keep up the great work!!
~*Hailey, <3
Hi there Flower! Juniper here!
I've seen you reviewing all over the place, and you've got 107 reviews on the leaderboards this month (which is awesome!) so I figured I should drop you a review.
But! I do want to point out that a review will not be counted as a review unless it is 250 characters long; thus, you should try to lengthen your reviews, dear so that your profile review count goes up; otherwise it looks like the leaderboard has a counting error.
That being said! Try not to converse on threads as well; if you have a comment that is not a review, feel free to post it in the person's guestbook.
- - -
So! This is a rather short love poem, but I think that it has potential and room for elaboration. Let's go bit by bit:
To me, this sounds almost as if this should be in the middle-- not beginning-- of a poem, dear, because we don't know where she's sitting, who she's talking about-- anything. These are not important details to fill out, but I feel that somewhere later in the poem you should clue us in a bit more on who, what, when, and how.
From the first lines to this, it is quite a jump. I feel that a transition stanza could be used her to gradually changed this idea-- like, possibly, what made these two people split?
Again, another jump, dearie. I don't think that it's bad, I just feel that you can fill in supporting details a bit so that we understand. For now, we're reading a sad, love poem about someone who we have nearly no idea about!
Now, this can easily raise confusion. I am going to guess that she means she wishes she had told him how she felt, but how do we know this? The audience can interpret this as anything! Maybe she's moving away, maybe she doesn't want this or that or anything-- make yourself clear, dear. It certainly helps the audience comprehend your writing easily.
-
With that said! I think that you are off to a decent start. Your lines are good, although one might mention that they are a bit too story-telling-ish, with few details. As I read, I felt like there were holes in the poem from missing important information-- and I think those need to be filled in, dear.
Any questions, comments-- anything? PM me.
Juniper
This is very nice. Though the poem is short, it expresses so much emotion.
I also think this poem could be made longer and still remain as simple as this
is. Your work is well appreciated.
Thank you it was really to rushed. I need to spend more time on stuff like imaginary and rhyming.
I enjoyed this poem
because I can relate to it. Sometimes short poems aren't so good, but I believe that this short poem is good. There are a few errors though. I think that there could have been more imagery, but overall it was a good poem; cute and simple.
Hi! I am Saily. I liked your poem. It has simplicity. You can definitely add more lines. It seems short to me.
I liked the emotion though...me being really sensitive...
Try being more expressive.
Well it's very simple and it's straight to the point. No meandering around or anything just straight into it. I didn't enjoy it all that much because I was thinking that their could maybe have been more about why you missed him, what it was you missed about being with him, things like that. On the whole though I quite liked it
I think was will sound better instead of had
\This line sounds a bit off.
I really like the last line
Overall the poem was really nice. It had a nice rhythm and nice rhyme scheme. but, good try anyways. Keep writing.
~ Anshita
Sorry I try to review all the time, but it doesn't count it as a review. I dunno about the poem, it didn't take long so maybe that was it.
I am glad to introduce myself Im Tiffany, Welcome to YWS, and here it's a rule that you have to review two other works before you post one. please pm if you have any other questions and concerns
Overall: I didn't enjoy this as mu8ch because I think you tried to hard, and that it feels rushed. This review wont be too long because of the shortness of this poem, but I think it you elongated it and made it flow better it could be decent.
The redundancy of you is annoying and kills the flow right off the bat. Also the first doesn't hook the reader in with interest. It's just kind of like yeah ok moving on now. It's literallyv like watching some one sit. Boring right? Sorry if this is rude or blunt
nice imagery. maybe expand on this with the love the both of you shared and make it longer.
It felt like you were trying to rhyme to hard. Just let it flow.
Good try
-Tiffany
please pm with any questions or concerns:)