Death Clock

Hi Flower Child, I really loved this poem. It is fantastic, creative and dark all at the same time. I love the idea of the clock. It is very imaginative! To me it is like a person with a limited amount of time to live.
Maybe next time focus on how the dying person, I think that would have it even better. Apart form that our poem is quite flawless.
"Agony wretches over me
as I think
who could be next
on the evil clock
of death."
This is the part that I like most about your poem! It is GREAT!!
Thanx for a great poem,
watchmeburn

Thank you June I will do. I will work on this later today if I have the time.

Hey, Flooooower,

Okay, let's see!

This is decent, but it's just that. I feel like you have bones here with excess fat and not enough muscle; you need to trim this down, namely the repetitive parts, because they define this as a more narrative poem than anything else, and add more emotion to this-- not outwardly where you use terms such as sad, glad, mad to describe feeling, but inwardly where you choose words that characterize your poem and give your audience and implied sense of emotion going on here.

As for structural things, you're decent. I like your enjambment, but I think that you should go easier on the rhyme and repetition here.

June

Hey! I'm Mo, and I'll be reviewing this for you!

I thought this was good, and I think the last line really brings a certain element to this piece. I didn't really feel that the poem was about death until the end, but more about suffering, or something near death.

The only thing I could really pick up on is you wrote 'Tick Tock' in the first stanza, and then 'Click Click' in the second. I think you should change the second click.

Thanks for posting this, good job!

Keep writing!

~Mo.

Hi, I'm Grin, it's nice to meet you.

If the idea you're trying to put across is hell at the end there, maybe it would be better to talk about suffering rather than death. Remember that for some people, death means heaven. And, if you're talking about hell, "bad eternity" doesn't quite cover it.

Your rhythm is also a little off. Your lines don't seem to fit, and where you're putting "death" in the end line of your verses, it doesn't seem quite right.

Other than that, there's nothing that hasn't been said before. Well done.

Hope I helped
~Grin

I am a Christian haha, I was thinking of saving people you know like from hell.

Flower~Child wrote:Agony wretches over me
as I think
who could be next
on the evil clock
of death.

When I wrote it, I just kept writing without looking at it. I read it over and saw some spots that looked bad but I was at a loss at what to put there instead. I was hoping for some ideas to come to me later. I will work on the rhyme I really didn't mean for it to be there at all haha. I was thinking about the fact that two people die every two second so who wouldn't want to save them, but it is quite impossible.

Hello! Here's another review to add to your collection.

"Death Clock" provided an interesting, if morbid read. The way you wrote it left some mystery to the reader: How could those souls have been saved? There is a sense of urgency, but why is nothing being done?

In terms of how well the poem was written, I have to say that your meter is a little wobbly and your decision to rhyme only some of the sentences comes across as a little schizophrenic.

I'm still glad I read it, but I think it would be an improvement if you chose to rhyme other words with Tock and Clock.
–antimelrose

Be afraid, I'm going to just sit here and talk.

So, you intrigued me by your title. I was like "hey! this should be interesting," but, to me, you didn't really deliver. I found this sort of boring. I wish you could have stuck with the death clock metaphor. Saying how you are losing a loved one to the death clock or something, you know?

I realise this was written on whim, and for that, you did a good job. It just wasn't the poem I was looking for.

All I have left
is to save the
innocent souls
and hope for
a better way.

Hi, there, Flower Child! I'm here to review!

First off, I agree with *writewatiwant* that your punctuation is very good! It was well placed, and not distracting, which can be quite common in poetry. That being said, the way you rhyme certain stanzas seems random, and a bit forced.

Flower~Child wrote:Tick Tock
the clock mocks me
to save a soul
from a bad eternity.

Click Click
the seconds tick
telling me,
that more have faced
death.

Two more it screams
and the tears begin to stream

Hi Flower Child! How are you? I'm Kat, and I'll be reviewing this

Now, I really like this. The rhyming scheme gave it a little funny tone, that made a morbid theme rather more fun to read. The only thing that was a bit confusing, was the fact that it was a constant thing,a s in it had no pattern or particular structure. It seemed a little bit random, and that's not a very good thing in a poem. But the fact that the rhyming is so subtle and so simple, it is very delightful to read.

I think you got a bit repetitive throughout the poem, but that could be fixed with a simple check over reading ^.^

Now, the flow. There were sometimes where it was good, but there were some where it weren't. For an example,

that more have faced
death.

Flower~Child wrote:tge seconds tick