Love kindles my bones
but the fire that burns within
cannot protect me from the cold.
The empty streets of my past are walked
by only me and occationaly
the person who caused the lonliness.
I myself try and evade the emptiness
try to cling to the fire
hold onto the light of love.
As hard as I try I can't forget.
I can't forget what you robbed me of,
can't forget the wasted years.
I chose to do what is good for me
I chose to try and love someone better,
but you always interfere, you always come back.
I can't get over you
your luring eyes
and your lying voice.
Through it all I still cling to what is right,
I know the fire will keep me warm
even on your coldest nights.
Yet sometimes I long for your cold touch.
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140,780 Literary Works • 673,688 Reviews
I love the contrast in the poem between the cold and warm. Very nicely done. Also I think the start of the poem and the end of the poem can make it or break and for me the end totally made this poem for me!
Hey there, Flower,
Hope that helps some!
It's been a really long while since I've read some of your work and I think you've most certainly improved. I don't like this particular poem, though, which could probably just stem from the fact that love poems and I don't agree. As silentwords as pointed out the only basic flaws I could find, I don't think it's important for me to repeat anything along those lines, so.
My main issue with this is that the lines feel starched and inflexible. The language is very prim to the point where it's pulling a lot of effort to get a flow for this, dear, and because of that the connectivity between the lines is staggered. There's no bridges or connecting words, and I honestly feel that this poem needs them, because, like most pieces of writing, it has potential.
I would also say that the words you use are pretty cliche, dear. Flames and forget and emptiness are all basic ingredients to love and poetry that goes angsty fast, so, I think you should/could spruce this up by telling us all of this with fresh, vivid images that paint a brighter, newer picture for the audience that doesn't feel like it's been done over as much.
June
Hey there.
Wow this was a great poem!! I totally have felt all these things actually I'm feeling them now. It's like you read all the emotions of my heart and wrote them down. I love pieces I can relate to. Bravo!!!
"I chose to do what is good for me
I chose to try and love someone better,
but you always interfere, you always come back."
These were my favourite lines.
xxx Upile xxx
If I had to describe this in one word - stirring. It was filled with amazing emotions, longing. I liked the rhythm, and especially the last few lines:
Very nice. However, you use cold twice very close together. Maybe consider changing 'coldest nights' to something else?
Great work, keep writing.
-Dai
This was a really well-written poem. I especially liked the ending:
Really great way to end it off!There are only a few grammatical errors:
I think "walked" sounds a bit awkward, so try something else like maybe "taken". Whatever word you think would portray your message better.
I think you should either move the "though" to the begining or this line, or just remove it all together.
Other than those minor corrections I really enjoyed this piece