Sparkles blind
as they reflect off
the cool blue.
it catches the
brown and green circles
and shines
almost with happiness.
hands shield
away the sparkles
and cause an uneven
brown line
covered with freckles.
the icy water
chills to the bone
as toes touch a
murky bottom
that contains
toe nibblers.
wet pink lines
connect through the
unclean liquids.
the pond
slowly warms
with the passion
held within.
but the waters
draw back
with the darkness
of the heavens.
I know where there should be capital letters. It is lacking them on purpose in this poem. ALso I don't know about the ending... please help...
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140,685 Literary Works • 673,594 Reviews
I think you did a wonderful job, I would nitpick but I'm not in the mood at this second and you have quite a large amount of reviews already that I didn't bother to read, so I'll just assume they got everything. So unless you feel like wasting the next 20 seconds of your life reading compliments and a spew on nothing except how good this was, stop here. It was immaculate, beautiful, if I may borrow Barney Stinson's quote: legen..... wait for it..... dary. Bottom line, it was a worthy read. Keep Writing!
I feel I must comment here because no-one really understands what I'm getting at. Ok these are two people at the pond. The green and brown circles are eyes, the guys eyes to be exact. The freckles as well are a part of him. The pink lines are lips and the couple kisses through the water on their lips. If you don't understand the ending... I don't care to explain haha.
As people said, great imagery! The thing is, I had to read it a couple of times before I could really understand it.
Sorry if it seems like I'm completely ripping your poem apart. Overall, I think it is very beautiful. The flow is very nice and it had a consistent rhythm. But we need something more than imagery! The poem pulled me in very quickly, so that means something, but I didn't know what was going on and I didn't see a clear purpose. Too much mystique. I want more details on this 'love' in the pond.
Very well done, keep writing please!
Hi Flower! My name is Esther and I thought I would drop in and give you a review. I'm not a pro at poetry, but hey, you have to get good at someone.
First, if your poem doesn't have capitals, you don't have to tell the readers you did it on purpose! Don't worry, we are smart enough to know that some poetry is just punctuated differently for the sake of a story. That's what's so cool about poetry! You can write it however. Let's move onto your poem.
I like it. It is quite cute. Only issue is that you don't seem to have a good idea of where you are going, and sometimes the prose gets mushy.
Overall, this is good. There are a few things I'm going to point out.
1st, don't replace things with flowery imagery if it works just to leave them alone. I have a feeling those wet pink lines were toes or fingers. If you describe such an important story element so abstractly, readers might not get it. Poetry isn't meant to be one hundred percent understandable, but it isn't meant to be convoluted. Even if the pink toes weren't human appendages, this applies to other moments in your poem, so keep this in mind.
2nd, like you said, the ending is a little sparing. It isn't really relevent to the rest of the story. Since the story is about two lovers in a pond, perhaps have the poem end during the climax of a very romantic moment, like when they kiss.
3rd, take a look at some of your word choices. Some of them are very common flowery terms that have been used in every poem out there. Switch up the words a little bit! Everyone uses sparkles. If you need help, check out a thesaurus!
I liked this a lot. Sorry I couldn't be more helpful, but I'm somewhat new to poetry. Anyway, I hoped that I helped you get on the right track.
Have a great day,
Esther
Hi,
Your imagery is really great. I love your use of colour. I especially enjoyed "covered with freckles", "toe nibblers", and "wet pink lines."
I'd change "chills to the bone" as it's a little dull, especially in comparison to your other wonderful lines.
With regards to the ending, I like "waters/draw back", but I think "darkness/of the heavens" may be a little obscure. I'd go for something more visual, describe the darkness and what it means to the physical landscape. Think about the colours which rest in it aside from black, and the things which can be found in it. If you're thinking splendor through your reference to the heavens, maybe find a bit of light in the grime - show us the mud and the dirtiness, and then show us what else is there.
A very enjoyable read. I very much look forward to reading you again.
Hope this helps. Feel free to p.m me if you have any questions!
Jas