Festering Burns

Hey there, Flower~Child! Long time, no see!

So, I don’t mean to sound harsh but this needs a good deal of work. No offense. I always remind and recommend that if you know something isn’t good, spend some time working on it before you post it. Getting reviews is nice and all but spending some time working on your rough draft is also good experience for you as a writer.

Okay, enough talkie talkie from me. Review!

The biggest thing with this is the line breaks. Your poem is only 62 words long yet you’ve broken it up into 27 lines. That pretty much means that on average, every line has less than 2.5 words on it. That makes for one choppy poem because every two or three words, the reader is going to be pausing at the end of a line. Your line breaks need to be more natural and smooth. But I’m not going to sit here and tell you how you should or shouldn’t break and re-break your lines. It’s good practice for you as a poet to work it out on your own.

First Stanza
The first two words grabbed me. They aren’t the most original but they hooked me because I wanted to know what these flames were engulfing. Then you get to the second line. “an inner compartment,” seems vague and rather clinical at least to my ears. And there are multiple lines throughout that have the same effect. Word choice sets the mood. And right now, even though you’re talking about a fire of sorts, the poem comes off as rather cold which shouldn’t be the case.

Second Stanza
“drip through” and “bringing burning tingles” drag this stanza down immensely again mostly due to word choice. “drip” and “bringing” aren’t powerful words but you need powerful language to carry a powerful poem. Instead of “drip,” try more vivid words like “ooze” or “trickles.” The same applies to “bringing.”

Third Stanza
“festering wounds/of trust.” Really seems to contradict itself and for me, that makes it hard to envision what you’re talking about. Like I said before, word choice is important and I think this stanza needs the most work with it.

Fourth Stanza
“leaving a/gentle warm/few encompass.”
Well this as a part just really confused me. I can’t, for the life of me understand what you’re trying to say here. Maybe I’m missing something but yeah, you should work on that.

Fifth Stanza
You were also right about the ending needing work. The main thing is the fact that suddenly you drag this into first person. Up until now, this poem had been told from neither third not first person. But then, out of the blue, you throw that “I” in there and it makes everything seem, well, wrong. Stick to one solid view point. You’ll look much better for it.

Anyways, hope my rambling helps at least a little. Best of luck, FC.

~lilymoore

Hello!
I'm here to review for you today! I wouldn't describe this as "not very good" at all. It was pretty fantastic. The lines were short and pithy, but I think it made it individual and added to it's charm. Although the sentiments have obviously before been expressed, the piece felt fresh and original. Athough you put your message across in a blunt way, it flowed well. As I said, this was an original piece, and it was paced in it's own way. Stereotypically, the flow would be quite broken and clumsy, but this poem really carries it's own.
As for the ending, I quite liked it. It was in keeping with the rest of the poem and the starkness and bluntness really added to the sombre feel of the piece. The sudden end was like sharp punch. It gives the feel of jagged, raw emotion.
I know this review is quite short ( I'm normally into writing epic ones) but I haven't really anything else to say. This was really brilliant and keep up the good work.
Have a good day
Amelia

I don't think this is bad at all! I really like it. I like the opposite if fire and ice. Here are some suggestions:

-First verse: I don't think ice blackens anything so maybe choose a different word

The heat engulfs
the entire
cavity
leaving a
gentle warm
few encompass.

You are the flame
I let into
my cold heart,
don't let it (I wouldn't use cold in both lines - cold heart and grow cold- you could just take out the first cold)
grow cold.

I don't think the ending is weak at all. I actually had goose bumps on my arms and legs. Very nice.