Crimson water
floods the drain
As my face
follows
Down
Into darkness.
------------------------------------------
Bright blue
splattered over
an iridescent sky
meaning nothing
but white
endless dots
scattered
like vicious birds
killing space.
-------------------------
Old poems
meaningless
like mosquitoes.
Just an opening page
of something
that is done better
now
according to whom?
------------------------
Boredom is what
leads to
something so
simple minded
as
this.
--------------------------------
Literature at school amuses me to say the least.
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139,643 Literary Works • 672,638 Reviews
My my Warrior fiesty haha. These are all different poems by the way, not just different stanza's.
1st stanza: I liked it, though I have to agree with Dreamy that the subject wasn't terribly original. But then, what is these days? All the good subjects seem to be TAKEN....
2nd stanza: Good, though a slightly dizzying transition from the first.
3rd stanza: Very relatable idea (I can barely stand reading over my old poems!). The "mosquitoes" part was kind of random haha. And who's to say they're meaningless?
4th stanza: Ah, this killed it for me. Here I was enjoying the image-rich stream of consciousness and then you have to condemn the whole thing as the illegitimate child of boredom and simple-mindednes. Have a little faith, dear!
Overall: Seeing how your past poems have been SO very structured and not allowing much free form, I was glad to see you kind of go crazy with this one. Unfortunately I beat you to the cake as I have been doing this for years. XD
Hey flower!
Alright, I'm going to be brutally honest with you, as we're cool, right? I honestly don't think this poem is very good.
Now, let me support my point! I'm not just being mean for no reason!
First, it's based on a cliche topic. I've read so many poems lately about people slitting their wrists in the tub... they don't hold the drama they used to. Now, sometimes, people can still pull it off if they write a long, stirring poem that's extremely well-thought out. However, I felt that you poem was too short to have any impressive points. The language was weak and not particularly mature. It feels like this was just a spur of the moment poem you banged out. Maybe it was!Your flow was okay, though, on the bright side. It was well balanced for so little a space.
Please don't get discouraged! I've read your other works, and you have tons of talent. This is just my opinion of this particular poem. Keep writing no matter what!
-Tori