Goodbye Mom

Dang, Flow... *applauds* No review. Good job. -Clay

I kinda of started crying. It was really sad and sweet
Georgie x

This poem was sad, but nice in a way, if you get what I mean. Keep writing!

I think this was really good. I also agree it was not cliche with bad word choice, but when Kamas said something about "monster" being cliche, my mind auttimaticly jumped to the word beast. Not telling you to change it, just my thought. I also wondered who her "mother" was. Was she a friends mom? Or her aunt? Either way, if you could clarify that, it would be wonderful. Lastly, was she the only one who suffered? Or were they're others? If so, show her relationship with the other mourners, even if it's just pushing away they're help and comfort. I know this is a poem, and I don't write poetry, so if something I said itsn't "poetic" i'm sorry. I hope your not tierd of my reviews, bye~!
P.S. I really did think this was good. I cannot write poetry to save my life, but I love reading other peoples

Well dear, you know I am a fairly lazy reviewer and see everything through rose-colored glasses, so you musn't expect a very helpful review out of me. I have to disagree with Kamas; the poem is neither boring nor terribly cliche. I thought it was very sad and beautiful, and conveyed the emotion well. Good job!

Sorry for delay on this, I've been meaning to do this a while, while reading it only one thing struck me and because of it this will be a short review. Basically the only problem I had was here:

You were what I imagined an angel to be like,
you even had the glow I imagined them to have.

Hey Flower.

Here as requested.

Now, I'm going to say, I found this really... boring honestly.
I knew what was gonna happen before it happened, the word choice was bland, and you spent the entire poem as many people like to say: "telling" instead of "showing". I kept reading because I thought it would be more fair to you if I read the entire poem before critiquing it.

You've gotten out of the type of poems that covers 95% of what is on the internet. But only by a smig. To be honest, that's a good start. But you're going to have to throw yourself out into the open and hope there's something nice to land on, if you want to improve.

There are three things you wanna focus on:

1. Topic:

Sure you want to pick something people can relate too. But take that topic and make it interesting, take a different spin on something we've seen too many times. Turn it into a story. Make so people wonder and think. You can accomplish this, my favourite new thing, metaphors!

You started with a metaphor with the whole "monster" thing, but that's really a common metaphor for illness, or darkness. This is where showing not telling comes into play. I believe you want to essentially indirectly tell the story, you're presenting your reader something, but branching off their mind in different directions so they can understand and feel the story. You want to bring the senses into play.

It can be something really simple like, her touch felt like peach skins. Blahblahblah
Or play with sounds. Or taste. It doesn't matter. It becomes poetry when the body is fully invested in your words.

2. Words:

Think of words as feathers, do you want your bird covered in bland brown feathers that are kinda dull? No of course not.
You want vibrate colours and slick, shiny feathers.
Expand your vocabulary a little bit, use words that someone should use. Words that are more elaborate lead to more imagery and again you invest the reader in your poem.

Of course, be careful, don't abuse the thesaurus. I was guilty of abusing my vocabulary knowledge, you want a good balance between intelligence and understanding.

3. Cliches:

I don't think I need to explain this to you. I'm sure your aware of what a cliche is.
Just avoid them. Don't take the path everyone has taken, take a different path, or even better, make your own!
Describe a situation in your own way, consider cliches like an overdeveloped manner of sharing. Kind of like money. God knows who touched it and put their dirty fingers on it and where it's been etc. That idea is wore, and gross, avoid to touch it at all cost, only when you need it.

Hope that helps.

Kamas

Hi there I agree with Skins, the poem is nice and to be honest I can relate to it because I had the exact same experience this is the reason why although I think the poem it's good I think you should expand more on the emotions and use words that will make us the readers feel much more involved.


I don't really understand this part it's quite confusing when you say you always desired a mum like this; how could you desire for a mum like that when you already had one like that ... see now it's getting even more confusing

To me you were my light,
you were a mom I always desired
but never got at home.

The monster made you really sick,
it tried to take away your light,
but you fought it.

It still dimmed your light though, made you weaker.
I knew it was hurting you,
and slowly taking you away from me.

I was so scared, because there was nothing I could do.
I wanted to see you, just one last time,
but I wasn't allowed.

Hey Flower!

To be honest... I don't think you'll be able to class this as a review. The reason for that is because I just know that it's going to be really short because I'm failing at finding anything to critique... especially something that I haven't mentioned about some of your previous poems.

The only "critique" I have isn't really a critique... It's a suggestion really. I think you've gotten to the point where your poems are very good to a certain extent. I think that if you want to go that one step further, you should start considering to maybe begin using some more interesting words and overall poem structure. I'll try and explain... I will warn you though that I suck at explaining things like this, especially with poetry...

What I mean by that is I'd like for you to expand some things on the poem overall. At the moment, the wording you choose is rather safe. Why don't you try to be a little more varied with our words? You have a tendency to use similar words in the poems you write, so I'd like to see you trying something a little different. The same goes for structure. You're using the classic 2-5 lined stanzas. You have varied this a little in the past, but I'd like to see you doing it a little more. Show us some one word lines, some long lines, some longer stanzas, some shorter stanzas etc.

Do you see what I'm getting at? What you have right now is lovely, and I just want to see you stretching yourself now! At the moment, I think that you're playing a little safe, and I think you know you are too. Don't be afraid to try something new or put a twist on what you normally do. Experiment!

Keep writing,

xoxo Skins

Wow. I REALLY liked this.

Flower~Child wrote:Your hand gently ran through my hair,
smoothing out my tangled curls.
My only thought, to stay still
so that your comfort wouldn't stop.

Flower~Child wrote:To me you were my light,
you were a mom I always desired
but never got at home.

Flower~Child wrote:It couldn't hide the monster that was eating you
on the inside.

I know this isn't a real review, but I still have got to say how much I liked this poem. It really hit home for me. I was nearly in tears at the end. Mostly because I had an incident like this happen only just last year, and I hate a lot of things about myself for it. But I still liked this poem very, very much. The message is very clear, and the emotion was strong enough to get to even my shriveled up excuse for a heart (it's a joke, haha). I'm pretty sure this was written for a good reason, and I am immensely glad I read this. I'm sure someone else could come along and tell you individual problems and such, but I just wanted to tell you how much I liked this poem and how much it really hit me.

Please, please, please, keep on writing,
Zac (A.K.A. The Walkin' Dude

I really liked it and I thought it was sweet. Just, always make sure to see the Doctor!