My breath comes faster,
my heartbeat soars,
my adrenaline rushes
as I imagine what's in store.
Our lips move in sync
to the crickets favorite song.
Our bodies come together
to create a song of their own.
His hands slide up my shirt,
as mine run through his hair.
He offers me a present
for never being there.
My mind runs a race
it knows it cannot win.
Will I take his present?
Will I give in?
In order to take his gift
I must give one of my own,
but am I truly ready
to give him what is owed?
No, I am not ready,
but will I ever be?
Could I ever give the gift
he has offered me?
I know I can, and will
just not on this night.
So I tell him that I love him,
and we leave the crickets song behind.
I havn't written in a while, so feedback would be nice.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
Hey there! I don't know a lot about poetry but I'll give it a shot
All the other stanzas rhyme lines 2 and 4 and this one doesn't which kind of threw me off.
I don't really get why that'd be his reason for giving her a present.
The rhythm of these two lines is slightly off for me. I feel like you should add "that" before "will" and "But" before "just".
Overall, I really liked the general concept. For someone that doesn't know a lot about poetry, I'm pretty sure I knew what you were trying to say
Rhyme and rhythm wise I thought it was pretty good. There were those couple spots that got off for me that I already mentioned but other than that I thought it flowed really well and the rhymes didn't sound too forced which is good. Sometimes when you put yourself in a rhyme scheme some lines don't make a lot of sense because you're just making random words fit in with the rhyme scheme you know?
I thought the concept and execution were good too. It was interesting and easy to follow and made sense so nice job!
-Carly
wow i really like this poem, i must say im getting this idea that you've really been there
Hey Flower, sorry for the lateness.
Should be "crickets'(s). Same for the other time you use it.You've got something that could be interesting here, but it needs to be worked on more. Right now, I don't really get much emotion from it at all, and the words all come off as rather bland. The way it seems to me, you've got two aspects you could really expand on: the emotional (the hesitation, the temptation, plus the love, etc) and the physical (the sensations, the thrill, and so on). You only brush over both, and I think you should dig a bit deeper, make the themes pop out a bit more. Right now your descriptions are very basic, you don't really go much into thoughts or feelings, so that by the end of it we don't really take anything from it. Expand; make us feel, or show us a better image of the scene, it'll make it that much more vibrant and interesting, as right now it's not bad, per se, but nothing that hold my attention.
Your imagery is also pretty simple, and a bit overdone--you've steered clear of the most blatant ones, which is good, but it's still cookie-cut. Varying it up a little or putting some more thought in it could improve this, make it a bit more unique and gripping.
Last little nitpick:
Hey Flower!
So, unfortunately, I'm probably the worst poet on the site, therefore my review is as good as hot fudge on a summer day. Yup. Might do you more bad than good, but I'll try nonetheless.
I think you could have put in "or will I give in?"
I don't know, just sounds better to me.
First of all, I do agree with Skin's repetition bit there. The 'song' sound so much better with melody or tune, yet I find it hard to picture bodies making any music. Am I digging too much into the matter? Ack, poetry is so hard to review >.<
Anyway, your poem was quite nice, the meaning your were trying to convey was done well, it was easy to understand and didn't require much thinking. Sweet and innocent, I liked it.
However, skins mentioned that you did a good job with your showing and not telling and I do agree with her. My main critique I suppose would be adding deeper descriptions. Yup, sorry for the lame review.
Keep writing,
~Shear
I disagree with this part of Azula's review. I think it sounds really good the way it is.
A. S.
Hi Flower-Child,
this line is awkward. Instead, you could try something like: "I feel a rush of adrenaline", or "My adrenaline levels skyrocket." But those are just ideas. This line doesn't make a lot of sense. I don't know how to help you with that.I apologize in advance if this review ends up being horrible. Romantic poetry was something I forgot to add to my list of might reviews. But here goes:
I liked this. It communicated it's message clearly, without being overly graphic. You made very effective use of the narrator's emotional conflict. I actually liked that you weren't too descriptive about the setting, it allowed me to focus more on the story than I could have if I was trying to process visual details as well. I do think however, that a small amount of detail about the location(emphasis on small) would add to the poem.
Other than those few points, I think everyone else covered everything. Sorry again if this wasn't helpful!
So long,
Azula
Heya, Flower!
First of all, I'm going to say how happy I am to see you writing again. I always enjoy reading and reviewing your poems, so I'm glad to be doing so again. You've had reviews from me before, so as I'm sure you know, I'll start off my review with any nit-picks that I find in the poem.
The repetition of song bugged me a tiny bit here. I've given you a few suggestions, but you don't have to use any of them. I would suggest changing it to something else though.
Overall
Overall, I have to say, Flower, I'm impressed! This might actually be my favourite poem of yours. Well done! The emotions in this are clear, yet at the same time, subtle and comfortable to read. You aren't telling, but showing, so I'm happy of that. Showing and not telling in a poem is very important, in my opinion. Thankfully, I don't need to describe that to you because you do it so well anyway. I love the little thing about the cricket's song. It adds a nice little touch to the poem as a whole. Your grammar was very good and compared to the first poem of yours I reviewed, it has improved a lot. The same goes for your spelling. I didn't find any misspelled words.
The only negative thing that I have to say is that I'd like for you to be a bit more descriptive about things other than feelings. You describe the cricket song lovely, and I'd like to see some more aspects like that. Don't only express your 'characters' emotions, but their surroundings. You've got the emotions down, you need to expand it now though and start thinking about setting the scene. I'm assuming your 'characters' are outside, therefore, what are they seeing, smelling e.t.c. Does dew cover the tips of the sea of green grass? Is the smell of rose bushes circling the air around them? Is your 'characters' boyfriend's breath on her neck? Don't only describe emotions, but surroundings as well.
Other than that.. I don't have anything else to say! Sorry this review has been kind of useless. I very much enjoyed reading this, and I really am happy for you to have written this. *likes*
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hi flower, I will be your reviewer today. I am a bit nervous because well you have the reviewer badge and all and you are a much better reviewer than me. But, I will try to help you. Teehee because you changed your avie I didn't know who you were at first
I really liked this poem. I don't think I have ever read a poem when two people have started to yaknow, but have decided they shouldn't/don't want to. So five stars for an original idea. I am sad it is original though. ): But, enough with my opinions on the subject.
You have great rhythm in this. This is really sad, but the only problem I can find in the rhythm is this:
This is defiantly a page turner. I couldn't pull my eyes away. *likes*
Sorry I couldn't help you,
A. S.