My smile fades away
as memories tug
at the corner of my mind.
Replaying you,
what seemed like,
perfection over and over.
I gnaw at the memories,
picking over them
like food.
Playing the ones I liked,
and skipping the ones I hate.
I remember your face,
your eyes outshining everything.
The way they cast the reflection
of the moon, in a dance
all their own.
And you mouth,
the way it delicately held mine,
showing me a love
I had never known.
Love...
it seems so far away now.
I want to pause the tape,
and leave it on the happy things,
but I can't pause life
I can't take away the present.
I can't take away the hurt.
I can't make you come back to me.
Even if I could, I wouldn't make you.
I wouldn't stifle your joy
with my pitiful existence.
I just want you to be happy.
That's all I ever wanted.
I'll ignore this stabbing pain,
I'll ignore this metaphorical hole
you left in my heart.
Just please forgive me
for not being enough for you
I never have been good enough.
I just thought you loved me,
but that's only in my memories.
10/24/10
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,029 Literary Works • 672,776 Reviews
My only issue is when you say 'metaphorical hoe.' The term just seems out of place in the 'bittersweet' of the poem. I felt the hurt, and I know how it feels. It's terribly sad and hopeful at the same time. I loved it, and usually I don't care for the non-rhyming types of poems, but this had great tempo and beat about it and I couldn't help but think it awesome. Keep writing, if only for the Broken's sake.
I really enjoyed this poem, it was very deep, very thoughtful. it seems like you really thought about what you where going to write. I liked it because it was rateable, because it was true, not only for you but it is something almost everyone can relate to. you have a lot of talent and i enjoy your work! keep writing!
Your poem is really good. It has great meaning. Thanks for sharing.
i really liked it...i could really relate to the words you were saying
I really liked these two stanzas. They flowed well, and I usually don't like poems with stanzas that have short lines. Unless of course, they're done well. The second stanza was my favourite, especially the first two lines. The last line was alright, but after the first two it seemed a little 'meh' to me.
I liked this stanza for the most part, though the imagery of food sort of changed to youtube videos after the 'playing'. Then again, I suppose that youtube videos are much less poetic than food. xD You could probably leave it, I think my brain is just being a little too picky.
I loved this stanza. The imagery was awesome. Only one thing: I don't know if that period after the second line is needed or not. It would probably work either way though.
The first two lines were definately my favourite in this piece. The next two lines are alright, though not much compared to the first two. The next bit seemed a bit cliché. Other than that, I really liked this bit, too.
I really liked this section. It was heartfelt, and I have to say I can agree. There isn't much else I have to say about this, so I'll move on.
This stanza made me sad. Which, I suppose it was supposed to. I don't understand how the poor girl could feel so pitiful about herself. But I won't get into that, as it has nothing to do with the review.
This last stanza was sad, but also, in a way, frustrating. Maybe that's just because I hate it when people degrade themselves like that.
Overall though, this was a good poem. The emotion was clear, and the imagery was was good. It flowed well, and I couldn't really find very many breaks.
Good work. ^-^
It's very good. It flows really well. I only had two questions, which are in bold up top. Keep going!
Hello, Flower!
Again, I will apologize beforehand for my tasteless review.
I are not a poet. =)
Overall, this poem seems to have some deep emotions in it. I liked some of your description and there were parts that were nicely jointed and others that could have been thought over twice.
Also, I'm a bit upset that she would want to be forgiven for not being good enough. Love and relationships need a balance and it's not fair to think that way. Of course, I could understand wanting the best for someone who you care about. I mean, as long as you put in effort and tried your best you can't say that you weren't good enough. Sorry for the boy, maybe they were just not compatible. However, there are plenty of fish in the sea. This couple will just be a happy, bittersweet memory in her head. Anyway, casting that thought aside this poem was nice, it could use some tweaking however.
All the best,
-Shear
Over all
You have a lot of useless lines and structure errors. I pointed them out.
You need to better show these things with the actions of what happened. Not your reaction, we want to see what made you have that reaction. Something more real.
And I am sorry for posting a half finished review but I was in class and the bell rang. Sorry lol.
Good luck, keep writing.
PM me with any concerns;
Silented1.
Nice, heartfelt poem. Depression is a strong theme here, with an undertone of anger. The whole thing has a sort of beautiful melancholy to it, you know? My favourite lines are:
Anyway, great poem. Post on my wall if you write anything else!
TIGERSPRITE
P.S. I'm going to guess that this is your way of expressing your pain at some of the personal things you've been going through recently, so sorry about that.