Brown dragons
Coiling on my spoon
Make the cristal sky
Shake in violent waves
I try to tame them
Slowly bringing a spoonful to my mouth
Ahh, they bit me!
So patiently I keep stirring
The sour sun leaks
Tears; the brown dragons
Change their color
Into a lighter tone.
Carefully I bring another
Sip to my lips
My face brightens.
The dragons didn't bite me this time,
Instead a soft feeling embraced my lips
Mythical kiss
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Ah. I love this piece so much, especially the last stanza.
"Carefully I bring another
Sip to my lips
My face brightens.
The dragons didn't bite me this time,
Instead a soft feeling embraced my lips
Mythical kiss."
I think the dragons are meant to represent the coils of steam that rise up from a piping hot cup of tea. I loved it! I rarely think of food to be something mythical, but just thinking about tiny steam dragons on a spoon makes me really, really happy. This is exactly what I needed to make my day just a little bit brighter.
Cheers!
-MintyLeaf
P.S. blow on your tea next time before you sip at it, XD
Ah thanks for the awesome feedback, had fun reading it !
I love this! It’s a wonderful poem. The way you wrote this is amazing. You are a wonderful poet!
My favourite line was this:
Instead a soft feeling embraced my lips
Mythical kiss
The last line was nice. It finished the poem neatly. Thank you for sharing this poem! It’s wonderful!
AAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH as a tea-obsessed freak with a freaky obsession with tea (yes that repetition is intentional to stress on how much I am freaking obssessed with tea okay now I sound crazy XD), this poem makes me want to disappear into the seven skies, take a nap in heaven and come back with happy tears in my face and that's a huge compliment!
"Instead a soft feeling embraced my lips
Mythical kiss."
Thank you for sharing these verses because now I officially have a soulmate I can kiss every morning yayyy
Anyway, being serious, ahem, RavenLord suggested most of the things I thought of so my only nitpick is that "crystal" is misspelled "cristal" (I know, a very minor spelling mistake but I just thought I should point that out in case.)
Thank you for sharing and keep growing <3
OOOOO we are both tea freaks. I am in love with black tea and my mother often when giving me a gift, she buys me tea. That way she knows certainly I will love the gift
WAHHH talk about Mother of the Year! I'm glad to know you get the tea you need in your life
I prefer ginger milk tea more, the way my mom makes it is the absolute best for me!
Hi, Buranko! RavenLord here with a review for you.
As an avid tea drinker myself, I simply had to review this piece. I loved your use of "brown dragons" to describe the tea; I can definitely see where you'd get the idea for that metaphor. Your imagery of the "sour sun" and "crystal sky" are also great to read.
A couple critiques for you: First, there's so much more imagery you can play around with in this poem! Some of your descriptions fall short (ie. "A lighter tone", "A soft feeling embraced my lips/Mythical kiss). Sometimes less is more, but in this case I think you could bulk up this piece into something with more substance. Consider what tea looks like as it steeps and grows lighter: what could you compare that color to? And what other words aside from "brown" could you use? That word leaves a dull color in my mind and doesn't quite describe the depth of the shade that tea turns.
Second, stating the fact that the dragons didn't bite you doesn't quite convey the relief this final stanza should give us. Perhaps something along the lines of "Tiny fangs trouble my tongue no more" or "No flame scalds me this time." There are so many descriptors for dragons that you're missing out on!
I hope you found this review helpful! I enjoyed reading this poem and I know it can be even better! Best wishes and happy writing
Regards,
RavenLord
Yea, I agree with you on colors, I struggle with using other words except these basic colors. My chromatic vocabulary is pretty limited. But as for the ending I believe that I nailed it with the calm tone. I did think of something fancier but didn't want to include it.
And thanks for the ideas on how to improve the description of the tea. I only covered the surface level, never thought of depth and varying the tones of its color. Thanks for reviewing
No prob!
I love this! You're an amazing poet.
Aww thank you Momo <3