Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Realistic

E - Everyone

Winter train

by Buranko


The cold love of winter
Hits my window; I gaze
Lost in the spectacular blue
At the passing trees.

The train moans silently
Hot steam caresses the tracks
Slowly this metal beast
Digs into the night.

"Mister, how many stars are there"
Asks a young girl
"Can I sit beside you? Do you like oranges?"
I sigh but allow her
In my seat.

Delicate snowflakes
Knock on my window.
I gaze at the horizon
Dreaming of blueberry pancakes
In this cold wonderland.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
293 Reviews


Points: 26390
Reviews: 293

Donate
Fri Jan 01, 2021 5:19 pm
View Likes
starlitmind wrote a review...



Hello there! I saw this poem awhile ago and wanted to leave a review, but I never did, so here I am now! xD

I remember what struck me about this poem the first time I read it is the use of your images. Especially the last lines with the mention of "blueberry pancakes," I thought this poem was very unique and even fun. And I also really love the title; it's simple, but something about the idea of a warm, cozy train chugging through the winter brings such a majestic feeling to me. Overall, I think this poem is quite different, and I really like that about this!

I think this my favourite element of your poem is your language and word choice! I'm going to go part by part and give you my opinions, but please feel free to ignore them if you don't agree :)

The cold love of winter
Hits my window;


It's interesting how you describe love as "cold" -> usually that seems like a negative thing, but winter is cold obviously cx so I think it's an interesting phrase that seems a bit contradictory to what a reader might describe love as feeling, which makes your poem all the more interesting!

This is just a suggestion; I was thinking that maybe you could replace "hit" with a stronger synonym to emphasize the cold part of winter's love, or just make to have a stronger, more impactful verb perhaps? The verb I thought of was "strike," but maybe "slams" or "blows" -> it just kinda depends on what idea you want to get across about winter's love. But this is just a suggestion, so please feel free to ignore! ^^

Lost in the spectacular blue


Love how you described blue as "spectacular" -> adds to the overall majestic feel I'm getting from this poem. My one thought was to replace the word "blue" with a more specific shade to add to that majestic feel. Like sapphire, cerulean, azure, lapis. Just some more thoughts for you c:

Slowly this metal beast
Digs into the night.


The way you describe the train as "metal" and it "digging into the night" starts to stir up a cold (not the temperature definition) atmosphere that was first brought up in the first stanza, which I really liked. Your poem feels connected and consistent.

"Mister, how many stars are there"
Asks a young girl
"Can I sit beside you? Do you like oranges?"


Quick note: do you want a question mark in the first question? It seems a bit incomplete without it, to me at least, especially since you put a question mark in the last two questions.

I love the first question, it portrays a sort of innocence of a young girl's mind. It also definitely adds to the majestic feel of this poem, wondering how many stars are in this big galaxy. I found the third question a bit random though - for me, it actually lessened the impact and weight of the first question. It also doesn't really connect with the other parts of your poem. I was thinking, since you mentioned blueberry pancakes later on, maybe the girl could as "Do you like blueberries?" Or maybe you could even take out the whole question and not replace it with anything. That's just my opinion on this part, but again, if you don't agree then please ignore this! ^_^

Delicate snowflakes
Knock on my window.


I love the idea of snowflakes knocking on the window. It's a different verb from what you would normally expect, which I think is efficient because it delivers a nice impact. And it's not too strong so it would contradict with the "delicate" part. So overall, I really like this part <3

I gaze at the horizon
Dreaming of blueberry pancakes
In this cold wonderland.


I don't know why, but I really like this part xD just the idea of warm pancakes inn a "cold wonderland" seems really fitting. I also love how you made them blueberry pancakes, because blueberries are blue, and I associate blue with winter. Actually, throughout this whole poem, I kept envisioning this blue in my mind. So I think you did a nice job with the overall theme!

A random suggestion, but I think it would be cool if you could elaborate a tiny bit more on the pancakes. Describing them as warm, cozy, or hot and fresh, or syrupy would contradict with the "cold wonderland' part, and I think that would work really well! But that's just a suggestion that you don't have to take.

And that's all I got for you! Overall, I loved the feeling this poem gave me, and I think the atmosphere was well created. I enjoyed the different images you included in this, and your ideas were very unique. I really enjoyed reading this, and I hope to read more from you in the future! I hope this helped :D




Buranko says...


Awww thanks for the awesome suggestions. English being my second language works a little different in mg head. While I consider my vocabulary to be pretty large I have difficulties in finding certain words. Yeah, a lot of your suggestions made sense and surely would add to the poem. I am not going to change stuff in this poem tho, too lazy, however my future poems would certainly use them. Happy new year



User avatar
15 Reviews


Points: 84
Reviews: 15

Donate
Tue Dec 22, 2020 2:49 am
AndyS6 wrote a review...



I like your poem, it is a mix of a bunch of different ideas and thoughts all tossed together into one short poem. Maybe expand on some of the thoughts a little? Depict to us what you see in your head a little more. Allow me to see when you jump to blueberry pancakes. Give more details.

I am really curious honestly. It is a very different poem in the fact that it jumps all over the place which I think is an interesting twist on poetry, but I want to know more about these jumps. Allow me to see deeper into what you are thinking and trying to write.

Great poem! :)




Buranko says...


I have no idea myself what is going on in my head. I see idea/image I put it in. If you want to try and understand them good luck xD



User avatar
259 Reviews


Points: 1815
Reviews: 259

Donate
Sat Dec 05, 2020 4:27 am
silented1 wrote a review...



The cold love of winter
Hits my window; I gaze
Lost in the spectacular blue This doesn't make sense. Try to elaborate on the picture you're painting because winter isn't blue, nor are trees. It could be a new and fresh image, so please think about it.
At the passing trees.

The train moans silently
Hot steam caresses the tracksIt seems like the train is upside down!
Slowly this metal beast
Digs into the night. This is a good image.


"Mister, how many stars are there"
Asks a young girl
"Can I sit beside you? Do you like oranges?"
I sigh but allow her
In my seat. This! THIS! THIS! This could be a good poem if you recentered around it and made the other parts into images for the poem. Good luck!

Delicate snowflakes
Knock on my window. Snowflakes do not knock.
I gaze at the horizon
Dreaming of blueberry pancakes
In this cold wonderland.


I see you wrote this poem in stages maybe? Over the course of a day? You should try to connect the stanzas more and make it more streamlined.




Buranko says...


I totally disagree with some of your statements. I do not wish to argue with you, you did provide some good insight like the fact that the train seems to be upside down, didn't think of that. But when you said snowflakes don't knock I felt that you didn't really try to read and understand the meaning of the poem. Of course they don't knock but they do make a sound when smashing on the window and that is why I tried making the snowflakes seem like little playful children that do some innocent pranks like knocking on the window. And blue is a color that takes your mind to something cold. It is also known as a cold color plus I have seen countless blue nuances in winter. Maybe I can switch the stanzas a little, changing some words, reworking on the flow and stuff like that but I am pretty proud of the imagery behind it so I won't do anything to change that



silented1 says...


Fair enough.



User avatar
20 Reviews


Points: 791
Reviews: 20

Donate
Fri Dec 04, 2020 2:48 pm
LilPWilly wrote a review...



The flow is tight, tone consistent, and the imagery slaps. “The cold love of winter”
You seem to have a bit of a parallelism, maybe chiasmus, with the first and last verses. You could increase the effect of ‘completeness’ by rearranging the lines and changing some nouns. For example:

I gaze at the horizon
Delicate snowflakes
Knock on my window.
In this cold wonderland.

In a moment I dream
Of blueberry pancakes
And Christmas oranges
The cold love of winter
Warming my heart

Or something like that. I might mess with the tone and vision here, so take it into your own hands.
Good stuff, Buranko, thanks




Buranko says...


I see what you mean but this would change the poem sooo much. Sounds really cool tho



User avatar


Points: 225
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Dec 04, 2020 6:50 am
View Likes
Mesra wrote a review...



I really like this poem because of the title of this poem. That title is just like a title of a painting. When I read it over and over, it brings me back to my childhood and to my hometown.

I like the part of the girl's saying because her words break silence and loneliness.

Thank you for sharing. Keep writing!




User avatar


Points: 225
Reviews: 1

Donate
Fri Dec 04, 2020 6:47 am
Mesra says...



I really like this poem because of the title of this poem. That title is just like a title of a painting. When I read it over and over, it brings me back to my childhood and to my hometown.

I like the part of the girl's saying because her words break silence and loneliness.




User avatar
37 Reviews


Points: 751
Reviews: 37

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 9:36 pm
View Likes
hannah0528 says...



I liked it! You described the setting really will. I liked when the girl said "Mister, how many stars are there". I feel like that is really a big part of the story because how many stars are in the sky are uncountable. It is kinda hard to explain. I can't get enough of it!




Random avatar

Points: 37
Reviews: 6

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 8:55 pm
View Likes
esthersanti1600 wrote a review...



This makes me really happy to read! The imagery is so pleasant and cozy. It reminds me of the Polar Express a little, or like this one Chanel ad about a night train that came out a few years ago.
Your descriptions are fantastic, as is mentioned in this comment thread. I love the "Hot steam caresses the tracks" line -so romantic and descriptive.
I would like this to be longer! I am particularly intrigued by the line about the little girl and hearing what the other passengers are saying and thinking. I think adding onto this would give us a much clearer idea of the narrator and where he is going, etc., but I love the mystery of leaving this unsaid. Fantastic job!




User avatar
53 Reviews


Points: 40
Reviews: 53

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 3:15 pm
View Likes
izzywidgeon wrote a review...



I'm not exactly sure as to what Lo-fi is, but I sure did like this poem. I found this to be really interesting in the sense that a lot of poems I have read have depicted winter to be frigid and lonely, not really warm and fuzzy. I really like the perspective of the guy on the train; he seems to take solace in the beauty of the winter landscape that he's riding through.

"Mister, how many stars are there?" Is such a cute line; kids ask the weirdest, yet most insightful questions. I also, for some reason loved that the man didn't answer her at all. He preferred to stay in his own childish wonderland.
I absolutely loved this. The language you used to describe the train was really nice, "Hot steam caresses the tracks/Slowly this metal beast/Digs into the night." It shows that it's slow and sluggish, but yet a vessel of warmth and comfort (for at least the man and the girl)

I hope this review helped you in some way, again, I really liked this.

-mintyleaf




Buranko says...


lo fi is a kind of music that uses rlly chill beats on a moody, calm rythm. it's best known because it uses the crackle and sound imperfections found on vinyl records. this kind of music is used for studying or dealing with anxiety or simply for sleep. you should give it a try it really relaxes you.

thanks for the kind words!



User avatar


Points: 97
Reviews: 2

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 2:38 pm
View Likes
writercat383 wrote a review...



This was a very interesting poem for the following reasons:

~A lot of times Winter poems are dark and harsh and sad, and while this conveyed a sad, empty feeling as well, it was written softer than most rough symbolizations of the frigid season.

~Your descriptions rock period. Beautiful wording.

~Even though this was a short poem it was really sweet and sad and cheerful at the same time, like real life. I can relate to feeling these at the same time irl and can understand this poem at a deeper level than others.

So! Great work! Please keep writing!




User avatar
10 Reviews


Points: 828
Reviews: 10

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 3:29 am
View Likes
woodpecker wrote a review...



most of the time winter is symbolised as a sad and colourless season. the way you used the season winter is very ionic. the word 'cold love' is very humorous and loving. 'hot sream caress the track' is a beautiful line, its kind of a friend helping other friend in bad times. by the way winter is coming and its a really optimistic poem. you really are going to change mood of many in a positive way. the girl put a very good question in the poem. i wolud love to read the conservation of girl and the man ,that would be really fun..as the girl is very smart and poet is very imaginative.
i m very bad at writing poem but your poem makes me feel at least i should try
thank you...




Buranko says...


I am glad to be your inspiration hehe



User avatar
89 Reviews


Points: 18800
Reviews: 89

Donate
Thu Dec 03, 2020 1:18 am
View Likes
SpunkyKitty wrote a review...



Hello! Spunky here!

Glows: the second stanza (in my opinion) is the best one. I really like how you compare a train to a "metal beast". Besides that, the description is awesome! I also notice how the beginning of the first stanza and the ending of the last one kinda tie together. It gives the poem a really satisfying feel. I don't know how to describe it. It's just really nice.

Grows: I was a bit confused with the third stanza. You said that

"I sigh but allow her-"

Right there it should read something like

"I sigh but allow her to sit"

Or you could do the "to sit" or something like that in the next verse. Besides that, it's a good poem, and I always enjoy reading your poems.

Bye!




Buranko says...


I disagree with the fact that I need to say exactly what the girl is doing. "I allow her to sit" is conflicting the following line which uses the word "seat". This way some ugly repetition is removed.



SpunkyKitty says...


Okay, I can see why you did that.



User avatar


Points: 200
Reviews: 0

Donate
Wed Dec 02, 2020 11:09 pm
View Likes
obskuria says...



Wow! Ok this is amazing!

I literally LOVE this!! ♥️♥️
It’s so beautiful and wow!

I hope you have an amazing winter! And this poem is just magical!!


(Super sorry about this if you don’t like it— trying to learn to review- first try LOL.)




Buranko says...


No problem, if you want to review you need some more. Try talking about structure, message, how this poe made you feel etc. That helps both me and you




I'm effortlessly ironic.
— Link Neal