don't light the fire,
the moon screams hysterically
crying the death of
us
wounds open and close
hurting and healing
stinging under the nails
that ruthlessly dig deeper
and deeper
mute the twisted emotion
no more hating, no more loving
no more crying over dead flowers
blooming in the dead ashes of
abandoned coffee cups
blossoms of poison
explode under the red blanket
grab your guitar and
escape its chains.
please...
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140,071 Literary Works • 672,990 Reviews
Hey Buranko!
My name is Elinor, and I thought I would drop by to give this a quick review. I really enjoyed reading this poem, and I appreciate you sharing it with us!
Maybe it's because of the first line, but I was reminded of The Doors song "Light My Fire", and while it's different, this feels like something that they could have done. I noticed this is under "Lyrical", and was curious if you imagined this as a poem, or a song?
Overall, I thought your imagery was really strong, but you started to lose me a little bit in the last two stanzas. I like the line "blooming in the dead ashes of abandoned coffee cups" but I wasn't sure what it meant on context, and the same goes for the last stanza.
The impression I get of this is that the narrator is ruminating on an abusive relationship, but I could be off base about that.
Anyway, I can't think of too much else to critique, as you did a nice job with this! I hope this helps, and keep writing!
Elinor
It is inspired by a song, yes. It makes me sing it in my head whenever I read the title so it can be considered a song
Hello Buranko! Incoming review!
I really really like the flow of this stanza. It's almost sing-songy with the undertones of the words ringing along with it. I wish the other stanza's flows were like this because this is primarily lyrical. I But I love the line, "the moon screams hysterically" I just think personification like this is so neat. I think the drama of an inanimate object doing anything hysterically can really bring a poem to life.I like this poem of yours. It gives off a strong warning to someone you may have a close connection to. Let me break it down stanza by stanza.
Now this part, I think, touches a little on self-harm. The wounds inflicted close up and again open. And when the emotional pain gets to be too much the wounds get deeper to replace the emotional pain with physical pain. It's so well written, even if that wasn't what you intended for.
I think this stanza is where you drift away from the overall mood. It seems more demanding of the person than warning them. I also think the stanza is pretty complex in what it's trying to say. I just kinda makes my head spin, that's all. But I do like the line of, "no more crying over dead flowers." It makes me think the person is crying over flowers the other has given to them, but they've left and the flowers are now dead.
So what is the red blanket? I see you like, in this poem at least, to use complex things as metaphors. I like my reading to be blunt so it's a little hard for me to critique this properly without asking a lot of questions. But I think without digging deeper into it, I think the poem as a whole is really nice!
Well, that's all I have for today. I hope you found some of my stuff helpful. Anyway byeeeeeeeee<33
I intended to show the large amount of blood (blood both literally and metaphorical) and explain it as a red blanket which covers and heats everyone, with its cold heat
Oh okay. Thank you
Btw, welcome among the featured members :>
aww thank you!!