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16+ Violence

The Purge

by Buranko


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.

16+ dark themes and overall a violent feel

The sirens yell.
Their loud cries
Pass through my whole being.
Ahh, that screeching,
Stripping my soul, throws me into despair.

Everyone knows what it means.
It is The Purge.
The sinister carnival where
All your darkest wishes can come true.

The sky turned black and red,
Watching the human heart at its worst.
Poor sun hides,
Behind a fat cloud.

Over here on the earth the situation isn't better.
Animals run terrified.
Ahh look at those two men covered in blood.
A few days ago,
They were friends.
Humans are truly terrifying.

I am hidden in a closet,
Sending this message,
There are 23 hours left.
Forgive me mother, forgive me father,

I may not live to see you again...


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Thu Sep 24, 2020 1:05 am
mellifera wrote a review...



Hey Buranko!

I'm back again for another review! I already mentioned this last time, but I'll say it again because it hasn't changed, I'm not a poetry reviewer or writer, so I apologise in advance and you can take my advice with a grain of salt!


The sirens yell.
Their loud cries
Pass through my whole being.
Ahh, that screeching,
Stripping my soul, throws me into despair.


While I don't think there's anything bad about "The sirens yell", but I think if you worded it a little differently, it might be stronger? Perhaps "The sirens wail [overhead? around us? fill the streets? <- I think adding a little more might make it stronger, though if you want to go for a short punch as an introduction, that's also fine!]"

I'm not as fond of "Their loud cries / Pass through my whole being."? I think it might serve the narrative better if it was perhaps something like "The high-pitch howls / Muffling my senses"? Obviously, however you would want to write it, but sirens are inherently loud (I've certainly never heard of a quiet siren), so it feels unnecessary to even have "their loud cries" since that was already stated. I know I basically showed an example of a similar concept, but I changed it so it was more of an attacking against hearing (high-pitched noises are usually very obnoxious/caustic on the ears) vs. a statement of something we already knew. As a second note, "pass through my whole being" doesn't paint a very vivid image? What is it trying to convey? Is it meant to be a reflection of fearing like shivering or feeling cold all over? I used "muffle the sense" in my example just because if something is very loud, I feel muted, like my senses have been subdued, but it was just for that reason and not whether that's what you were trying to convey or not.

Also "stripping my soul, throws me into despair" is a mood. I hate sirens (not the watery, mythological kind. I love those). I would either go with "stripping my soul, throwing me into despair" or "strips my soul, throws me into despair" since then you have a little more repetition of sorts that fits in nicely with each other.

Everyone knows what it means.
It is The Purge.
The sinister carnival where
All your darkest wishes can come true.


I don't have much to say about this section specifically since I like it quite well, but in addition to the mention of sirens, I would love some creepy music mentioned if this is indeed a carnival (this is also possibly inspired by the movie?? which I've never seen?? so if this is inaccurate ignore me lol I just love writing horror and making things as Spooky as possible).

The sky turned black and red,
Watching the human heart at its worst.
Poor sun hides,
Behind a fat cloud.


I think it would sound a lot more unsettling if, rather than say "the human heart at its worse", because while it's symbolic, the heart isn't really doing much, but "watching human nature at its most gruesome" or however you would phrase that last bit [but then actually making it about human nature and how terrifying they can be, rather than about their heart]. Stronger synonyms can never hurt you (unless they're like, too ostentatious B) ), so using a little more purple-y prose, if you will, might spice it up a little! This is, of course, coming from somehow who loves her purple prose, so maybe ignore me xD

I think you need "The" in front of "The poor sun hides" because it flows better. Also, "Behind a fat cloud" does not make me particularly unsettled, since fat and/or fluffy clouds are the best clouds. Since you've mentioned the sky is black and red, maybe say the clouds are ash-like or darkened. Perhaps "The poor sun hides / behind thunderous [murderous?] clouds" because that is a Little More Spooky.

Ahh look at those two men covered in blood.
A few days ago,
They were friends.
Humans are truly terrifying.


They was this is phrased, I thought at first they had teamed up and were just both covered in blood? Maybe allude to the fact they're fighting, because there's no indication except to make "they were friends" fit into the stanza (since otherwise why would it be mentioned, y'know?). Perhaps "Look at the two men doused in each other's blood"? Or, again, however you want to word it, but then it's clear they're out for each other's blood.

I am hidden in a closet,
Sending this message,
There are 23 hours left.
Forgive me mother, forgive me father,


I have almost nothing to say about this line except 1) I think that last comma should be a period to make it a little more finale and terrifying and 2) this is a Very Good ending stanza and is very spooky and I really like it. I only had the one nitpick, but I do otherwise greatly enjoy this as an ending.


I don't have much else to say, other than I did enjoy reading your poem! If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please feel free to let me know!

Otherwise, I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!

Image




Buranko says...


Yea, "the sirens wail" sounds soo much better. I am always in search of new words to add in my works. Thanks for the helpful review



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Tue Sep 15, 2020 9:13 pm
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sevynpetronella says...



This is a very insightful piece that depicts struggle and sorrow, and I like it, but there's a part where the tense unexpectedly changes, and that kind of changes the setting to me, who's trying to imagine the picture your words are setting up for me.




Buranko says...


Is it a good effect or a bad one? I am confused.





I wouldn't call it bad, just a bit confusing. It's usually easier to build a vivid picture of what one is reading if the verb tense is constant throughout the whole piece.



Buranko says...


Oooo I got it now.



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Tue Sep 15, 2020 1:18 am
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Lezuli wrote a review...



Hello there! I am here to review this poem for you.
Allow me to start by saying, though I have absolutely no idea what movie you are referencing, the idea and general plot show through quite well. The dystopian end of the world and the nightmares in the human heart are well expressed, so even someone who doesn't know what this is based off of can still enjoy it! So good job to you!
I also like your word choice, the stuff about a dark carnival and a hiding sun are, forgive my phrasing, quite poetic.
Anyway, that's all the comments I have for you. I hope this helps!




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 10:06 pm
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EditorAndPerks wrote a review...



Hello there! I wanted to give a quick review on this poem! A disclaimer to start with is that I have not watched the actual movies but I do know the premise and detailing so I think I know what I’m talking about.

The Purge was something so terrifying to me to even imagine, but I think in some different formations, there definitely has been signs of this in the real world. I think the title works fine as a simple descriptor. I myself was wondering if this was going to be about “The” Purge or just using “purge” as a metaphor.

The length of this, and the shorter lines definitely speak to me from the words of a child, which already amplified the previous eerie/icky feelings that come with The Purge, even with, I imagine, as the choice to make each letter capitalized. I would certainly not want to be the child in this scenario.

As this is short, I would suggest to use as many different adjectives as you can —> “terrified” and “terrifying” is a bit too similar in my tastes, as an example. What I think could help is to either use repetition for emphasis, or to go through and find good comparative words to really make this a dramatic piece.

Besides that, I think this is pretty effective! The details, the short lines, everything brings this poem to a quick pace and then a violent halt. Nicely done!




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Mon Sep 14, 2020 6:22 am
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iframukadam2006 says...



i must say i am new to this website but i just wanna say that this poem is full of talent being a fourteen year old who reads poem like this. to be honest i am really impressed by it i love it




Buranko says...


Aww thanks



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Sun Sep 13, 2020 8:55 pm
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Magebird wrote a review...



Hey there, Buranko! I'm back again to review your poetry.

I've never seen The Purge before, but I do remember being exposed to the idea of it through a Minecraft YouTube series that CaptainSparklez (I think?) did years ago. I've always joked that I'd pirate shows if The Purge ever happened, so it was really cool seeing a much more traditional take on it. It actually reminds me of the beliefs of Thomas Hobbes - he believed that humanity's true state of nature was evil and chaotic, so rules were needed to prevent that chaos from happening.

I love how you start the poem without outright saying that it's The Purge. The reader technically knows it from the title, but the first official introduction to it is actually the second stanza. The terror generated in the first stanza does a great job setting up for this reveal:

Everyone knows what it means.
It is The Purge.
The sinister carnival where
All your darkest wishes can come true.


Those last two lines were my favorite lines in the entire poem. The rest of the poem does a spectacular job showing the chaos and terror of The Purge, but those two lines highlight the cause of it: twisted human desire. They really drove that point home.

I also really love the final two stanzas of the poem. I might be reading a little too much into this, but the closet is one of the first places a child would look when playing hide-and-seek - so it's theoretically one of the first places a murderer would look, too. The reveal that it's only been an hour is equally chilling.

But the last line, of course, takes the cake! The mood of the majority of the poem is terror, but that last line also feels more passive. It's as if the narrator is finally coming to terms with their fate.

All in all, this was a great poem! I couldn't find anything to critique in it, so awesome job with that. :)

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Buranko says...


Thanks mage! It is always a delight reading your praises hehe



Magebird says...


You're welcome! I'm glad you like my reviews. :)



Buranko says...


Hmmm I don't know who is this gentleman Thomas Hobbes but his words really sum up my poem. In my opinion humans, being sociable creatures have a need to be part of a rational group. However there is the other part of a human that is ruled by the will to survive, the more biologic part of us. As much as I hate to admit it, rules are not something to be ignored. During thousands of years of evolution of the society some rules were put in place to make sure everyone can live between other humans in peace and harmony. We have got law enforcers to help put those rules into practice and punish those who don't respect them by restricting their contact with humans, in other words prison.



Buranko says...


Mind blowing how everything is related to our need to communicate.



Magebird says...


True! I like to believe that people are inherently good and wouldn't theoretically need rules, but I'm certainly not going to get rid of them. :P

You should check out Hobbes if you're ever interested, though! He recently came up in one of my classes when we were talking about how society has changed over the years.



Buranko says...


Heh, YWS is sure nice! Look I even got some new author/thinker to read!




A big mountain of sugar is too much for one man. I can see now why God portions it out in those little packets.
— Homer Simpson