Young Writers Society

Hey Buranko!

I'm back again for another review! I already mentioned this last time, but I'll say it again because it hasn't changed, I'm not a poetry reviewer or writer, so I apologise in advance and you can take my advice with a grain of salt!

The sirens yell.
Their loud cries
Pass through my whole being.
Ahh, that screeching,
Stripping my soul, throws me into despair.

While I don't think there's anything bad about "The sirens yell", but I think if you worded it a little differently, it might be stronger? Perhaps "The sirens wail [overhead? around us? fill the streets? <- I think adding a little more might make it stronger, though if you want to go for a short punch as an introduction, that's also fine!]"

I'm not as fond of "Their loud cries / Pass through my whole being."? I think it might serve the narrative better if it was perhaps something like "The high-pitch howls / Muffling my senses"? Obviously, however you would want to write it, but sirens are inherently loud (I've certainly never heard of a quiet siren), so it feels unnecessary to even have "their loud cries" since that was already stated. I know I basically showed an example of a similar concept, but I changed it so it was more of an attacking against hearing (high-pitched noises are usually very obnoxious/caustic on the ears) vs. a statement of something we already knew. As a second note, "pass through my whole being" doesn't paint a very vivid image? What is it trying to convey? Is it meant to be a reflection of fearing like shivering or feeling cold all over? I used "muffle the sense" in my example just because if something is very loud, I feel muted, like my senses have been subdued, but it was just for that reason and not whether that's what you were trying to convey or not.

Also "stripping my soul, throws me into despair" is a mood. I hate sirens (not the watery, mythological kind. I love those). I would either go with "stripping my soul, throwing me into despair" or "strips my soul, throws me into despair" since then you have a little more repetition of sorts that fits in nicely with each other.

Everyone knows what it means.
It is The Purge.
The sinister carnival where
All your darkest wishes can come true.

I don't have much to say about this section specifically since I like it quite well, but in addition to the mention of sirens, I would love some creepy music mentioned if this is indeed a carnival (this is also possibly inspired by the movie?? which I've never seen?? so if this is inaccurate ignore me lol I just love writing horror and making things as Spooky as possible).

The sky turned black and red,
Watching the human heart at its worst.
Poor sun hides,
Behind a fat cloud.

I think it would sound a lot more unsettling if, rather than say "the human heart at its worse", because while it's symbolic, the heart isn't really doing much, but "watching human nature at its most gruesome" or however you would phrase that last bit [but then actually making it about human nature and how terrifying they can be, rather than about their heart]. Stronger synonyms can never hurt you (unless they're like, too ostentatious B) ), so using a little more purple-y prose, if you will, might spice it up a little! This is, of course, coming from somehow who loves her purple prose, so maybe ignore me xD

I think you need "The" in front of "The poor sun hides" because it flows better. Also, "Behind a fat cloud" does not make me particularly unsettled, since fat and/or fluffy clouds are the best clouds. Since you've mentioned the sky is black and red, maybe say the clouds are ash-like or darkened. Perhaps "The poor sun hides / behind thunderous [murderous?] clouds" because that is a Little More Spooky.

Ahh look at those two men covered in blood.
A few days ago,
They were friends.
Humans are truly terrifying.

They was this is phrased, I thought at first they had teamed up and were just both covered in blood? Maybe allude to the fact they're fighting, because there's no indication except to make "they were friends" fit into the stanza (since otherwise why would it be mentioned, y'know?). Perhaps "Look at the two men doused in each other's blood"? Or, again, however you want to word it, but then it's clear they're out for each other's blood.

I am hidden in a closet,
Sending this message,
There are 23 hours left.
Forgive me mother, forgive me father,

I have almost nothing to say about this line except 1) I think that last comma should be a period to make it a little more finale and terrifying and 2) this is a Very Good ending stanza and is very spooky and I really like it. I only had the one nitpick, but I do otherwise greatly enjoy this as an ending.


I don't have much else to say, other than I did enjoy reading your poem! If you have any comments or questions about anything I said, please feel free to let me know!

Otherwise, I hope you have a wonderful day, and Happy RevMo!

Hey there, Buranko! I'm back again to review your poetry.

I've never seen The Purge before, but I do remember being exposed to the idea of it through a Minecraft YouTube series that CaptainSparklez (I think?) did years ago. I've always joked that I'd pirate shows if The Purge ever happened, so it was really cool seeing a much more traditional take on it. It actually reminds me of the beliefs of Thomas Hobbes - he believed that humanity's true state of nature was evil and chaotic, so rules were needed to prevent that chaos from happening.

I love how you start the poem without outright saying that it's The Purge. The reader technically knows it from the title, but the first official introduction to it is actually the second stanza. The terror generated in the first stanza does a great job setting up for this reveal:

Everyone knows what it means.
It is The Purge.
The sinister carnival where
All your darkest wishes can come true.

Those last two lines were my favorite lines in the entire poem. The rest of the poem does a spectacular job showing the chaos and terror of The Purge, but those two lines highlight the cause of it: twisted human desire. They really drove that point home.

I also really love the final two stanzas of the poem. I might be reading a little too much into this, but the closet is one of the first places a child would look when playing hide-and-seek - so it's theoretically one of the first places a murderer would look, too. The reveal that it's only been an hour is equally chilling.

But the last line, of course, takes the cake! The mood of the majority of the poem is terror, but that last line also feels more passive. It's as if the narrator is finally coming to terms with their fate.

All in all, this was a great poem! I couldn't find anything to critique in it, so awesome job with that.