Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » Action / Adventure


Nature Poem

by Buranko


One day I had the awesome idea to
Make a poem about nature.
So I caught a pigeon
And jumped on its back.

The pigeon carried me over a large
Checkered fabric.
I asked my friend, the pigeon, what was it.
He replied: "Fields and Crops".

I asked the bird to stop for a minute.
Then I got a pair of scissors,
Cut a portion of the fabric,
And stored it in my chest pocket.

I also passed over a fluffy green carpet.
My friend told me it was an old forest,
Of course I cut a little of it too.
And stored it with the other piece.

Night came, my pigeon was sleepy.
He called a brother, the Owl,
And left me in his care.
Ahh! the Owl's feather are so soft and silky.

When I got home, I looked at what I had
There, on the table were:
2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.

I quickly got to work.
With my pen I sewed those pieces together.
Then using the night sky essence
I painted it black.
That is how you make a nature poem


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



Random avatar

Points: 248
Reviews: 5

Donate
Sun Sep 20, 2020 11:33 am
rida wrote a review...



Hi! I don’t think any grammar mistakes are there which the others haven’t said already. I wanted to say I loved this poem, and it’s filled with imagination and creativity. A few of my most favourite lines are

2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.
Also, the last stanza, is my favourite. I look forward to other poems of yours like this! :)




User avatar
304 Reviews


Points: 20007
Reviews: 304

Donate
Wed Sep 16, 2020 12:13 pm
View Likes
Vulcanite wrote a review...



Hi @Buranko I'm here to give you a short review, lets get right into it shell we, first of welcome to YWS,*follows I'll great myself better later don't you worry.

One day I had the awesome idea to
Make a poem about nature.
So I caught a pigeon
And jumped on its back.

Wow wonderful start the poem, I liked the creativity though it, I can just imagine so many things as we fly over all of these amazing things, also pigeons are just one of the most loveliest birds.

2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.

Wow how I would love to have all of thoughts fabrics, it could be turned into something real cool, I really loved how this poem flowed you did it real well, also I'm not really going to go in to what I think might need changing because I think @niteowl pointed a lot of that out already.

So really I think you did a great job of this, I loved reading it and I would so want to read more from you. Keep writing, the more you do it the better you'll get at it. :D

I hope that you have a great Day/Night

@Vulcanite siring over the green room sparing shards of reviews as she went




Buranko says...


May you be blessed by the eternal inspiration hunting grounds !



Vulcanite says...


:D
thanks for the follow back by the way.



Buranko says...


Np bro



User avatar
1246 Reviews


Points: 35749
Reviews: 1246

Donate
Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:42 am
View Likes
niteowl wrote a review...



Hi Buranko and welcome to YWS! Niteowl here to review.

Overall, I like the concept of this. It's rather surreal how the speaker wants to write about nature and then gets swept away by the birds to see what he's writing about. It's very creative.

One day I had the awesome idea to
Make a poem about nature.


This feels a little colloquial to me. Granted, not every poem has to have flowery language, but I don't think this fits the mood of this piece. I might re-word it like "One day I longed to write a poem about nature".

The pigeon carried me
over a large checkered fabric.
I asked him what it was.
He replied: "Fields and Crops".


I edited the second stanza a bit, making the line breaks smoother and removing the redundant 'my friend, the pigeon" in the third line. Also technically, "fields and crops" aren't nature since they're farmed by humans, but perhaps I am just being pedantic. Still, I might elaborate a bit-what crops are these? What's growing in these fields? I think it would be good to be more specific here.

Love the third stanza.

I also passed over a fluffy green carpet.
My friend told me it was an old forest,
Of course I cut a little of it too.
And stored it with the other piece.


I think we could be a little more specific here as well. Perhaps naming what trees or animals are in this forest, as a forest could be any number of environments from tundra to rainforest.

It's sort of odd how there's an owl in the story, but we don't show the speaker's journey with it like we do with the pigeon. Perhaps it would be tedious to keep up the same structure, but I'd still like to see more interaction with the owl. Alternately, you could ditch the owl altogether, but that's up to you.

When I got home, I looked at what I had
There, on the table were:
2 pieces of the fields, 1 of the forest,
A few butterfly wings, a bright portion of the moon and a drop of the night sky.


The first two lines are a little bland. Maybe you could describe the reveal of these pieces in a dramatic way, like "Once home, I unveiled my pieces of nature on the table". Grammatically speaking, you should spell out numbers less than 10 and I think it would look better here as well. The last line is lovely but a bit too long-I would make "and a drop of the night sky" its own line.

With my pen I sewn those pieces together.


Small grammar thing here-past tense of "sew" is "sewed". I looked it up to make sure because grammar is fun, haha.

I like the idea of comparing the night sky to the ink the poem is written in.

Overall, I like the concept of this but I'd love to see a bit more detail about these pieces of nature. Keep writing! :D




Buranko says...


Oh, could have sworn it was sewn. Welp my bad



Buranko says...


I hate giving too much detail like what trees are found. Sorry but I really feel that much detail will replace this magical atmosphere I am looking to make



User avatar
16 Reviews


Points: 117
Reviews: 16

Donate
Wed Sep 16, 2020 5:34 am
View Likes
EM8650 says...



Hello there.
Overall i quite like the poem. It has that underlining emotion within certain lines. There is also that lovely over all concept of nature.
It's a very well written poem.
I look forward to reading more of your work.





A cynic is a man who knows the price of everything, and the value of nothing.
— Oscar Wilde