Young Writers Society

Again, I really LOVE your work! I do think that the repeating the first stanza is very thoughtful and creative, and shows that there should be another and deeper meaning! But at the same time, it just doesn't feel right to repeat it again...but that DOES show a lot of poetic justice and knowledge! And in the second to last stanza, i don't think the comma after "I" should really be there. You can also work on the punctuation and some word choice, but overall, this was great! Your choice of action verbs, again, a very creative and awesome! And I always love the ideas and stories behind all your poetry! This was a great piece, again! Fantabulous job!

I absolutely love your rhyme scheme, and that's not normal for me. Usually, I can't stand rhyming poetry (weird, I know) because it tends to sound forced, but this piece flowed smoothly and naturally. The meaning was both clear and open to interpretation, which takes a good deal of talent to achieve, and your writing also evoked emotions without the typical tear-jerker cliches.

As for ways to improve your writing, I noticed a small grammatical error in the last line of the fourth stanza, where it should say "too bright" instead of "to bright". Some lines didn't quite make sense, such as "is it all a threat?" in the first stanza and the second half of the sixth stanza. Those lines didn't really seem to be telling the same story as the rest of it, although I might just be missing the meaning completely.

Overall, this is a good piece that could be great with a little polishing.

I really like the rhymes in this poem. Especially the ones about how people don't want to be your friend for who you really are. I think this is more true than ever in today's society so good job for capturing it in a nice rhyme. The rhymes after this feel a bit forced and if anything they restrict your use of vocabulary. Personally I know how tempting writing rhyming poetry is but sometimes it is better to have a few rhymes scattered about where they feel natural and to not worry about the rest. In the same way the first rhyme really defines the poem for me and the ones that follow don't stick to the same theme of identity and personal reflection. For me they just seem very unnecessary and they try too hard to be rhyming in place of making sense and sticking to a theme. So great start but in future don't worry about coherent rhyme and instead focus on a coherent theme.

~Pernicus

“is it all a threat?” This sounds a little too short. Maybe put “is it all just a threat”?
“A shining light to bright.” I think you mean “too” instead of “to”. “To” is when you are sending something to someone, like a letter. “Too” is when there is more than what is needed, like, “The sun is too bright!” or “I like candy, too!”
Other than those small little mistakes this is a really good poem! I really like how each segment beings with 'I think"!