She cried for no reason,
And she hated her mind.
She was blind to the beauty,
Of the valiant and kind.
He said that he loved her,
And he told her every day.
He held her so gently,
When she was distant and away.
She never wanted to hurt him,
And she cried through the night.
She was swimming through the darkness,
With no end in sight.
He kissed her every scar,
And told her he didn’t care.
That no matter what she said or did,
He would always be there.
She wanted to believe him,
And she really did try.
But as she drowned in her sorrows,
She couldn’t help but cry.
He would hold her gently,
Nestled safely in his arms.
And he would whisper tenderly,
To keep her safe from harms.
Tears would tumble from her eyes,
As she mumbled a desperate apology.
He told her it was okay,
But she couldn’t let it be.
He didn’t see the fear,
Running rampant in her head.
He didn’t see the sleepless nights,
Spent turning in her bed.
She was so afraid to lose him
To see hatred mar his eyes.
So she tried to cover up her hurt,
With desperate and flimsy lies.
He wanted her to trust him,
And tell him of every fear.
But she was simply to afraid,
To lose what she holds dear.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hey! I loved this. It manages to tell a story without really telling it, if that makes sense. It's more focused on the emotion than the actual story, which I liked. However, some of the stanzas seemed kind of repetitive to me. The 5th stanza and the 7th stanza specifically struck me as just reworded versions of the same thing. Other than that, a great piece.
Hi Biluata, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Theme: I really like this theme of the two lovers each so different in personality and yet they have the same goal; to love each other. It was interesting to read that the problem is that she is scared, but the reason she is scared is that she doesn't want to loose him. He is just wants her to trust him and yet she can't because she is afraid to loose him. It is a really sweet and yet saddening poem. I also love the rhyming pattern you choose. I really helped the poem flow.
Description: You couldn't really put a lot of description in this poem, because of the theme, but you replaced the description with pure emotion. You kept the emotion just right through out the poem so that it really helped me connect with the characters and feel their pain. Well done.
Grammar and Punctuation: You nailed the punctuation and grammar in my opinion.
Small suggestions: I wouldn't change anything in this poem for the world. Well maybe just reword this line (When she was distant and away.) Maybe like this ( Even when she was so far away). Just a suggestion though.
Overall this was a great poem and a very fun read for me. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
Thank you for your review!
Hey! Cello here!
I really liked this poem. It had a beautiful story and the rhymes worked very nicely. Still, there's room for improvement.
I see what you're getting at with this last line but it could be worded better. Of course, you mean she's mentally in another place (as you can't hold someone who's physically far away) so maybe try working 'mind' or 'thoughts' into this. 'When her mind was far away'. If you choose to do this (Which I highly recommend) then I would also change the second line to 'he said this every day' (And and change the 'said' in the first line to 'told)
[very sorry as I'm horrible with organizing my thoughts]
The flow pattern feels a bit uncomfortable here. 'Wanted' is a bit too long of a word. 'wished' could be a fine replacement or if you wanted to take the time you could completely rearrange the first line. (She was afraid that she would hurt him)
Also, the last line needs to be a bit longer to even things out. Add a syllable and all will be good. 'With no end in her sight' or "With no near end in sight'.
Let me start by saying I really love this part.
The only thing I would change is 'with desperate, flimsy lies' to go with the flow.
I really loved this too. (Like wow, two super powerful last verses)
Only edit- make 'holds' into 'held' to stick with the tense.
I really liked this (I rarely like a work as in clicking the star at the top but this one was worth it). Thanks for sticking with me through that mess of a review. (It's been while since I've done a proper review)
Keep writing!
-Cello
Thank you so much for such a helpful review! I'll definitely be making some changes soon as I have some more time! Again, thank you so much!