My heart will shriek, my heart will roar,
watch the tears flood and pour.
My heart will sink, my heart will fly,
my heart will shrivel up and die.
---
You’re not normal, the crowds will scream,
but we can fix it, join our team.
Wear our clothes and talk like us,
don’t ask questions, don’t make a fuss.
---
Socialize, society insists,
watch the lies, list the lists.
You’ll fit in, you soon shall see,
a perfect robot you shall be.
---
You can’t survive this life alone,
find sisterhood in a fellow clone.
Listen to the lies, talk the talk,
listen to the gossips squawk.
---
This is normal, this is good,
don’t ask the why, don’t ask the could.
Compress your universe into one,
come into the shadow, away from the sun.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Hi, ZeldaIsShiek here to review your poetry and put a stop to the wicked Werewolves' plans! May the Witches reign supreme! I am also here to critique your work to make you and your writing better as a result. I am really excited to review this poem because I can relate with it more than any poem I have ever read on YWS- even my own! I really feel that society is a huge problem that we need to address in order for our race to become a population of individuals, not just look-alikes and trend-followers that all think and act the same way. That is why I feel that it is important to address this topic in the form of a poem. I'm anxious to start picking apart this poem. Ready? Let's begin.
I personally love how well the lines
"You’re not normal, the crowds will scream,
but we can fix it, join our team.
Wear our clothes and talk like us,
don’t ask questions, don’t make a fuss."
rhyme so well and go along with the main theme so perfectly. This is my favorite line of the entire poem because it is so true and so accurate that I can not put it into words. But you could. How they say you have to be converted to their group reminds me of the cult that is society as a whole. That is why this poem is personally my new favorite of your entire portfolio, even better than the last two I've reviewed! Have a happy Review Day!
Hey, Biluata! This is, again, a GREAT piece, and it's so well written! I always love the stories you have behind each piece you write, and how it displays a certain emotion! I LOVE when poets do that! Anyways, to the fixes:
Great job!
I don't really think the title fits, but the thing is, each stanza is like a different problem, or a different issue. It would be kind of hard to come up with a title when your poem is everywhere as far as 'themes' go. I mean, I love the idea of mixed topics, but just title-wise, you know?
"don’t ask the why, don’t ask the could." I love this line, and I'm sorry, but at the same time, I don't quite understand this. "the could" I mean. I kinda understand "the why" part. I always love your choice of action words too, like "squawk" is a great example!
Keep writing, and amazing everyone who reads it!
Wow, this is so true and well written! I really like your poem, Biluata! My favorite part is: a perfect robot you shall be. It's so awesome! I also love: find sisterhood in a fellow clone. This is truly good. The name is simple and perfect (I mention titles in my reviews because I think they are an important part of all literature.). I bet a lot of people can relate to this poem, and that makes it worth reading. I will look at more of your things...
Very original, keep up the excellent work!
-ChloeJoelle
WARNING: THE FOLLOWING IS A RANT ABOUT HOW GOOD THIS IS.
Hello there, Biluata.
For this review, I don't want to focus on the linguistics here, but on the content. The BRILLIANT content.
This poem is a perfect (or at least as close to perfect as you can get) representation of the way our society thinks. It's oversimplified, but for good reason. The nuances of our cultural identity as a world cannot be expressed in a single poem. So everything must be simplified and simplified again.
That being said, I think you did an excellent job here. Your rhyme scheme was on point--normally, rhyming can be off-putting and seem awkward and forced. This felt like another element of your satirical tone that I love.
Okay, one small nitpick.
"Compress your universe into one, / come into the shadow, away from the sun."
I love this, but I'd rather you change "your universe" into "the people". Your version seems a bit strange and forced, and I think it's more on topic with my version. That being said, this is really excellent.
You convey the general ideas of our society (making everyone be the same) in a bitter and brilliantly sardonic voice that sends tingles up my (and everyone else's) spines. The second person voice in the penultimate stanza is quite amazing.
I'd love to discuss this further. PM me, and don't forget to be awesome.
IronSpark
Hello Tuesday here for a review!
for some reason, this line stood out to me. Among the rest (besides the one vertigo1 and ChocolateCello pointed out), I feel like there should be one small change in this; our to the . Since it gives a meaning behind team since society is the team that always wins.I like to begin that this a great message. This also seems like a chant of some sort when people are angry at something. I enjoyed the pounding on the words, making it seem like a punch to the face almost.
A few things you should change in this poem are very small changes but sometime the smallest changes can make something lovely. Anyway off to the nitpicks and such.
Overall, the voice of this poem is strong and a punch to the face. I also liked the rhyming as it seemed more flowing it with (like a chant).
Happy Writing!
Tuesday
I really enjoyed it. The rhythm somehow fits the idea behind the poem, I loved that, especially the first stanza. Also the examples chosen are spot-on.
Wear our clothes and talk like us,
don’t ask questions, don’t make a fuss.
This bothers me a bit, though. I think it would sound better if it were "don't ask questions, make no fuss." or something similar.
I also think using "will" instead of "shall" might sound better, as ChocolateCello already pointed out.
As a whole the poem is honest and I think you managed to express your idea quite well, which makes it a good read.
Keep it up.
Hey! ChocolateCello here!
I loved the meaning behind this and I think it pretty much summed society up perfectly.
A few suggestions though.
"Wear our clothes and talk like us,
don’t ask questions, don’t make a fuss."
Not a big deal here but the second line could easily be it's own sentence. Of course, then it wouldn't go with the pattern, but still thought I'd point it out.
"Socialize, society insists,
watch the lies, list the lists."
'Society' feels a bit off-beat here. Maybe 'Socialize, they all insist'. Just fewer syllables.
"You’ll fit in, you soon shall see,
a perfect robot you shall be."
Maybe make one of these 'shall's a 'will'. I see what you were going for but I think 'will' would honestly sound better.
"Compress your universe into one,
come into the shadow, away from the sun."
Again, the second line could be it's own sentence. Like I said the previous time, this would throw off the pattern but still thought I'd point it out.
Okay, sorry, this was a crappy review but anything worth editing was very minor so I didn't feel the need to put a bunch of detail into anything. This poem spoke very honestly though and I really enjoyed it.
Keep writing!
-ChocolateCello