We stand here today to celebrate the life and times of Miss You-Should-Have-Seen-The Signs.
Will all the false mourners
please step forward
and wet her coffin with your delicate tears.
Go on,
smear your
meticulous makeup.
I stand with a hand on my heart,
as if the mere touch could hold it together
and prevent it from-
bursting with sorrow.
I knew her.
I held her as she cried,
sobs shaking her too thin shoulders,
and I stayed with her
in her mania - frantic movements -
that sent her running
and laughing
gleefully.
You were afraid.
Late nights were spent
facing the realization that I was-
more likely to see her
ashen and dead
than I was to see her
reach
twenty-one.
You disgust me.
Your delicate sobbing twist my stomach
as you sniffle lightly
and murmur to one another,
‘She looks so peaceful.’
How can you mourn
someone you
don’t even
know?
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,237 Literary Works • 673,049 Reviews
Dear Biluata,
First of all, I'M GOING TO CRY. Second of all, hi. My name is Bailey.
Wow. Just wow. This actually made me tear up. I had to pause and contain myself after reading "I held her as she cried, / sobs shaking her too thin shoulders," because you really got the emotion across. I, myself, am very passionate about emotion, and that feeling is one I love to portray. So, for that, I thank you for doing a wonderful job making me, the reader, empathize with the character.
I love the portrayal of the false mourners. You got them spot on. I've never been at one of my friend's funerals (not this young at least) and I hope I never do, but this is the way I would feel. I'm kind of an outsider, and I can see a lot of fakes showing up and talking about how much they missed my friend when in reality they talked behind her back.
This is a really great poem for those that are outsiders like me. It's so delicate and I love it.
I don't even want to say anything bad about it because it's so great.
But... I am here as a reviewer, and must do my dos.
You used "delicate" twice (line 4 and line 29) to describe the false mourners' tears/sobs, and I knew it as soon as I read it. Perhaps a different word could be used for one of them? Not really that big of a deal, just something I noticed.
I loveeeee the 3rd paragraph/stanza. It's really nice, and works out really well together.
Just to comment on LittleBird8060's comment, I did not find "You-Should-Have-Seen-The-Signs" confusing at all. I thought it was actually kind of fitting and necessary, because it sounds as though the girl died of a suicide, considering the "should-have-seen-the-signs," "too thin shoulders," and the fact that the main character in this poem states that he/she was "more likely to see her / ashen and dead / than I was to see her / reach / twenty-one."
I think that the first sentence was necessary to add to that.
As for the spacing, I didn't find it confusing at all, so thumbs up on that!
And holy feeLS I LOVED HOW YOU ENDED IT. I loved the spacing at the end: "How can you mourn / someone you / don't even / know?" It makes it more dramatic, and it gives the readers that feeling of "I hate them because they didn't really even know her yet their crying over her like they knew her all their life." I love how you portrayed the fakes in this poem, it's perfect!
I love it! It's amazing! I loved it, and I hope to see your name in the poetry section in the future!!!!
Have an awesome day/night! (whichever applies to you)
Sincerely, Bailey Matwiiw
Hello! This is my first poem review! I honestly have no idea to poem review, so sorry if my review seems useless.
The part of "You-Should-Have-Seen-The Signs" is really confusing me. I'm not sure what you were trying to say here, but I think you should change it up so you don't confuse other readers.
I've noticed several parts in this poem that looked like split up sentences. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but it feels a little off to me. I guess it's alright though, since it's a poem and poems don't really have a rule against things like that.
I'm a little confused at this part. Afraid of what? Also, the narrator seems to be saying that he/she knew when his/her friend was dying or something. I'm not sure if it was intentional or not, but I think it might be better if you added some part that shows what had caused the narrator to think that their friend was dying.
I really like this last part. It shows how there are some people in funerals who fake being sad so they fit the mood. I like how you showed the character's hatred towards them. But then I think that maybe the last... uh, sentence, could be put together in one line, instead of having it in four parts. Unless it was intentional of course.
I'm not sure if my review helped, but I tried.
I'm really not sure how I'm supposed to review a poem since poems don't seem to have a grammatical or punctuational rule or anything. So I can't tell if the author made a mistake or if it was intentional. I just wrote what I thought, so try not to take anything too personally. Overall, I loved your poem
Hi! wow... That is one very emotional poem. I think that the message you were trying to deliver to the reader was very clear. One thing that kind of confused me was the second to last stanza.
"You disgust me.
Your delicate sobbing twist my stomach
as you sniffle lightly
and murmur to one another,
‘She looks so peaceful.’"
Earlier in the poem, you spoke about holding her when she cries. The party that is crying is therefore easily mistaken as "her". I thought you were saying that "her" disgusted you and her delicate sobbing twisted your stomach. It's not necessary to change that part as long as you keep the last stanza which confirms that it is the party of "False Mourners" that is crying. I just wanted to point that out just in case you wanted to change it.
I am not sugar coating it when I say this, but your poem made me feel exactly what the main character in the poem felt. I think your description and detail is amazing and the sensations and thoughts that you create in my head when I read the poem are accurate and exactly what you wanted me to feel.
I truly look forward to more of your writing!
-Lolosboing