If poetry is made of emotion,
Let this poem tell of the raw,
Twisted hurt coiling in my heart.
Let it tell of the shattered glass
Bringing fresh blood with every new breath,
That I have no desire to take.
Let these words convey
My desperation,
To find the cure to make the hurt better,
All the while knowing
There is no cure to be found.
Let these words express the ache in my bones
As each movement brings waves
Of memories and with memories,
Pain.
Let this poem tell of every godforsaken word
That slipp’d from my mouth without a second thought,
Before the realization hit me of the beautiful thing
Now twisted and broken
By my own hand.
Let these words strung along the page,
Glitter like the diamond teardrops
Caressing my face in a
manner that only tear drops can.
Let these words tell of pain.
Unshackles, undiluted,
Raw,
Pain.
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139,603 Literary Works • 672,615 Reviews
Suzette here to review!
Okay so I haven't reviewed in a while so forgive me if I am a little rusty. Originally I knew that I did need to review something, and I wasn't planning on doing it today. Then I saw this, read it, and knew that I wanted to tell you some things about your poem. Golly that sounds silly.
So the first stanza (my favorite of the two) is so relate able and I just love it. I love how we kind of get to know what this poem is trying to tell us from the get go too, and I think without the first two lines we would be kind of lost.
One tiny thing is bothering me in the second stanza, and honestly it's probably because I've never seen it that way, but ¨slipp'd¨ is completely new to me. Also like Felistia said, teardrops is one word.
I also really liked how both of the two stanzas ended with the same word, because I think that it makes us know more of what you are trying to get across, and that altogether your poem is displaying pain and that's what you want to get across to the reader (you did a very good job with that too).
Finally, this is your poem. Your work of art, don't let anybody take that away from you. Don't let someone change that. If you don't like a suggestion, don't follow it!
Keep writing and with love,
Suzette.
Hi Biluata, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Theme: I really like this theme, even though it is a bit cliché. To me I don't really care if it is a cliché so long as you bring me something interesting and beautiful to read and that is just what you did. You managed to put so much emotion and pain into these words that it was just wonderful to read. The poem flowed surprisingly well even though there was no rhymes. On the whole it was a great poem. Well done.
Description: The description in your poem was perfect and really helped convey the raw emotion well. You used plenty of colours and similes and all of them were not over bearing at all. My favourite line had to be
(Let these words strung along the page,
Glitter like the diamond teardrops).
I really liked it.
Grammar and Punctuation: Okay I am not an expert at this, but I will give my best.
(Caressing my face in a manner that only tear drops can.) Teardrops is one word.
(Let these words strung along the page,) I think there should be a comma between (words) and (strung). That's all I could find for the moment.
Small suggestions: As for suggestions on what to change in the poem, I have just one. I fell like you use the words (pain) and (raw) to much. Maybe try using different words for them like (agony). Just a suggestion though.
Overall a great poem and I look forward to seeing more of your work. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.