I fear this sadness will swallow me whole-
its needle claws are reaching up
from somewhere between my ribs,
waving like feelers as it
scents the air for the cloying sweet smell
of happiness decomposing-
candy guts swimming in gelatin blood
(can we find our happiness there?)
Because my friends
(my so-called friends)
always ask, ‘Why don’t you eat more?’
Why can’t you understand,
there’s no happiness to be found in food
and in a perpetual search for a
desperately needed cure-
why waste my time on something
that brings no pleasure?
Because I fear this sadness will swallow me whole
and I’m growing weary of this constant running
with no direction and no sense of purpose-
just running,
as if staying in motion can stave away the drowning.
Sometimes it can,
but it rarely
does.
It doesn’t even feel like sadness-
more like some deep set longing
(like an itch that can’t be scratched);
if I’m not happy,
then would it not make sense
that I am sad?
This is a longing for those peaceful
sunny days when the clouds were mere wisps
in a crystal blue sky, when I was calm
and my mind did not war with my heart.
But I fear that this sadness will swallow me whole,
and steal away the vibrancy of the sunshine
and the beauty of an autumn breeze.
I feel my colors slipping away.
Sometimes we must resign ourselves
to living our lives out
in
monochrome gray.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
Wow! That was amazing! It personally made me feel the heart ache, and the imagery was amazing! The adjectives really pulled the whole things together, and it was amazing!
Hi there, I'm trying to get better at reviewing poetry, so here we go!
I particularly love this last stanza, although I think you could make more reference to colours in the beginning parts of the poem, just so that it ties together nicely at the end. The poem had a good overall flow and there weren't that many mistakes (that I could find). You've put everything together very well and I really enjoyed reading this!
Icy
Hello, Biluata! @neptune here for a review!
First, right when we jump into this, I see that there is a simple grammatical error.
I won't spend too much time on this, because there shouldn't be much to explain, but it's should be its.
Here I'm not sure if you should use "for" or "with". The way it is worded now doesn't make so much sense for me? Like, is it scenting the air in hopes to make it the smell of happiness decomposing?
If you want to give this more emphasis, you could put this line in italics, since it is kind of a "thought" about the stanza above it. That, of course, really just depends on the style and how you write, and this line would be nice either way.
I would put quotation marks around friends.
I feel like "time" breaks the flow and just isn't necessary in this line. I would take it out.
Your last stanza was wonderful! Way to wrap it up. I love how you included colors, how everything was becoming dull, because that really set lots of imagery! This poem is very powerful in not just the words you used but the flow they brought.
I actually wouldn't recommend adding anything or fixing much up (besides considering what I mentioned) because you beautifully put everything together! I love how you included this line twice (slightly different, but):
I feel like repetition in poetry makes works very strong in their own way, whether it's in every line or only a couple of times throughout a whole written piece. Also, quick spelling error: with should be will I believe?
Anyway, you did a wonderful job incorporating amazing writing into this poem!
Keep writing,
neptune