Chaos

First of all, I must say, I really like this poem, It is sad... But it is very true. Everything will die or be destroyed... Reflect on that everyone...

I do have a critique to make though... All the lines of a poem, are supposed to start with the first words of each line being capitalized. That's really the only critique I have. Your creativity and grammar are otherwise pretty good!
Keep up the good work!

hi.
usually I don't like rhymes in poetry, but here I guess I'm okay with it. It's a bit forced, but the content reminds me of those songs that are in fantasy novels, and you need rhyme for those. I also like that you have a pretty consistent rhythm. However, your rhythm does fall apart in a few lines:
Chaos will reign this desert land,
Humans hidden beneath the mask,
drinking from the forbidden flask.
bones are buried beneath the ground.
^These lines just have little breaks in the rhythm.

Sometimes I feel like the content doesn't make a lot of sense, and you're just saying words to sound pretty. If you look at any of the lines in this and see that that description fits it, then you should probably get rid of the line.

This poem was generally very vague, and I didn't connect to it emotionally. I didn't learn anything new, and it didn't make me see the world in a new perspective, so honestly I can't see any point to it really. Sorry. I think you should really look at this and figure out what exactly you were trying to say, then say it!

I hope this helps you! If you have any questions, please ask me!
Keep writing!
~fortis

Hi Biluata,

Here to review you on review day! How exciting. From this poem I can tell you like rhyming! I'm not at all a fan of rhyme, to be honest with you. Rhyme is best done when you barely notice it's there. There's something about the rhythm and the back and forth that rhyming creates that should in many ways be in the background of the poem, adding weight without being the main focus. That said, the rhyme you have here is definitely taking all of my focus.

It's actually really unfortunate that the rhyme takes over almost my entire attention because you have a good concept here and I was really into your first stanza to begin with. You have some good images and your concept works in terms of the ideas/evidence you present to justify this Chaos outlook. But you're sacrificing some of those images, the clarity of them and the smooth nature of your lines, for the rhyme you're using at the end of the line. "Blood will flow the river red" why? This is just such an ugly line to say in your head or out loud. and then you tie it to "keep a calm and level head." what does that even mean for us? Better than the implication of your next two lines, which grammatically suggest that Chaos is praying for a helping hand. You're cutting up some good lines to toggle the rhyme and it's just not worth it. Rhyme is almost never worth it. It creates a tone and atmosphere that regularly doesn't suit poetry.

Though, I have to say that in the case of your poem, if you can tweak your lines so they don't read so oddly and work on the sophistication of your rhyme, it could work. You have an element of an epic poem or a kind of religious decree or proclamation which suits a gentle rhyme very well, but your rhyme has to be of a higher calibre than "red/head". Check out a thesaurus or a rhyming dictionary if necessary, but please consider it. You've got a good poem here, it's just hidden under some simplistic rhyming.

If you do make any changes to this, please let me know, I'd love to check it out again.

Thanks for posting,
- Penguin.

Hi I really liked reading your poem. Keep it up!

Hey! ChocolateCello here!

Okay so first off, I'm on a mobile device in class right now so please ignore gramatical errors. I have to keep this short, its a challenge to type on here, but I'll still give it my best go.

I really enjoyed this. Every word held great meaning and it was, over all, well written. The rhymes were all comfortable and the flow stayed consistant through out the work. I do feel like "everything illuminated in a flash" was a bit off beat though. (It might just be my tired brain though, still adjusting to my school schedule) Changing 'everything' to 'all' helps a bit but still isnt the best option. (I can't actually think of the best option so...") The poem didn't carry on for too long , which a lot of poems do, but at the same time it wasn't too short. The story told was amazing and i really hope to see more poems like this from you. (You might have already written more like this- haven't seen your portfolio yet.)

Keep writing!
-chocolatecello

Minds to mush, bone to ash,
everything illuminated in a flash.
Blood to rust and tears to stain,
this will be the lovers bane.

"Everything illuminated in a flash" kind of kills the flow, up to it the rhythm is steady and this just sounds odd. Also, "lovers' bane", perhaps?
Aside from that, I enjoyed it a lot. Loved the rhymes.

Drown the hurt and drown the pain,
drown yourself but still stay sane.

These lines are a favourite.

Keep it up.

Of course I forgot to mark it as a review.