Imagine That

by Biluata

A young girl who sat alone one day,

Found a friend and started to play.

Wings they grew and began to fly,

Above the pain into the sky.

Imagine that.

A knight in shining armor, bold and brave,

A lovely maiden, her soul he could save.

But he dropped it, stomped it, and then he was gone,

And back to despair the lovely maiden was drawn.

Imagine that.

A daughter, whose father speaks with lies,

But pretends well with careful disguise.

With empty promises of love, compassion, and hope,

In many pieces, he left her, broke.

Imagine that.

Scene one, scene two, scene three, scene four,

Life passes by in all its gore.

Scene five, scene six, scene seven, scene eight,

Life meanders along, its path never straight.

Imagine that.

Fiery flames smothered into sputtering embers,

The original idea, one barely remembers.

Creativity turned to unity, all ideas the same,

But who doth one turn to when seeking to blame?

Imagine that.

A hideous monster, causes people to run,

Forcing the monster out of the sun.

But in a dark corner, all is revealed,

Showing the boy that rumors concealed.

Imagine that.

The waves toss and turn sailors at sea,

Because back at home, they never shall be.

For a blasted white whale drives the captain insane,

While poor thirsty sailors, pray desperately for rain.

Imagine that.

Scene nine, scene ten, scene eleven, scene twelve,

Into the darkness one shall delve.

Scene thirteen, scene fourteen, scene fifteen, scene sixteen,

And one hopes to emerge as a shining queen.

Imagine that.

The darkness pulses and closes in,

The world falls to a waste land of sin.

The good fight valiant, but they do still fall,

The dark stalks closely and then it will maul.

Imagine that.

Only one shining hope, flickers and sways,

Though many struggle to make it a blaze.

To fend off the darkness, to turn it to light,

To ensure that one day, it will be alright.

Imagine that.

So when I fly above the world,

I see darkness around the world is curled.

Still though, the specks of light,

Flicker and grow ever so bright.

Imagine that.

Comments

Points: 6214
Reviews: 128

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Sun Apr 26, 2015 3:12 pm

BlueSunset wrote a review...

Woah. This is a pretty decent size poem. You should give yourself a pat on the back, not only for that but for this wonderful poem. Okay, moving on. Though this poem was good, I found something that I would prefer to change.
You wrote,

A daughterwho speaks with lies,
But pretends with careful disguise.
With many promises of compassion, love, and hope,
In many pieces, he left her, broke.

I was thinking when I first read this, that this stanza would go better with a "but" in between "broke" and "her". It would make the reader feel like he was really breaking his promise, and you're reminding them. Does that make sense at all?
So, the things I liked about this poem is that you were repetitive, but not too much. At the end of every stanza, put in "Imagine that", which is nice because it's your title. Very good, and I hope to read another one of your stories/poems. Never stop writing, I love it!
~ Sunset101

Points: 452
Reviews: 10

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Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:46 pm

Dtrainy wrote a review...

Heya!

I really liked this poem.
Your use of Imagine that when these things do happen. It shows that how sad things are and how they shouldn't be happening.
I could see these things happening and sadness filled my heart when I did.

Well done! You need to keep writing. You have a talent.
I loved how you phrased your lines. The words you used have a strong connotation for some people so well done on using emotive words.

Thanks for the read.

Points: 7993
Reviews: 508

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Sun Apr 26, 2015 2:51 am

Que wrote a review...

Hi Bilu,
I wanted to begin by saying that I loved this poem, especially how you repeat "imagine that" over and over. It has a great affect. Your grammar seems fine to me, but I'm just going to point out some lines that might need rearranging or a little bit of help.

Above the pain into the sky.

I would try putting "and" right after pain to help this line flow better.

A lovely maiden, her soul he could save.

Hm, this line seemed a bit odd to me. I think it might sound better if you said something like, "A lovely maiden whose soul he could save" instead.

A daughter, whose father speaks with lies,
But pretends well with careful disguise.
With empty promises of love, compassion, and hope,
In many pieces, he left her, broke.

Alright, this stanza was rather strange as well. The first line is fine, and so is the second line if you say it right, but the last two don't quote add up. I know that you want to rhyme with hope, so perhaps try cope. At the very least I think broke should be broken. I would recommend rearranging it like this, "Broken in many pieces, she could not cope," or something similar to that.

Okay, so there are several other places where the flow is disrupted a bit, so I would just read it out loud and go over the lines that sound a bit out of place or lines that stick out.

But who doth one turn to when seeking to blame?

Doth is certainly a cool word, but it doesn't quite fit with the words you have been using thus far in the poem. Maybe change it to does?

Lastly, the stanzas with "Scene one, scene two, decenent three, scene four" etc. don't particularly make sense to me. They sound almost like fillers, and the two stanzas like that are randomly placed in the poem. If you had a common theme of scenes it might make more sense, but as it is, I don't get it.

I hope this proved to be helpful to you, just go back and read it aloud a few times is my best suggestion. Awesome poem!

-Falconer

Points: 6130
Reviews: 257

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Sun Apr 26, 2015 1:19 am

Tuesday wrote a review...

Hello Tuesday here for a review. i like to begin that this poem is longer than poems i have read on here (and elsewhere) but since it is a poem, i shall review it. i like to begin that some people could relate to this since we have a struggle in our life or the dreams that we will find when we are asleep, that seem to be lost forever in the nightmares that hold us to Earth. Yet we meet a friend, that friend that makes everything better in the life we hold or the fact they put a smile on our faces when we are sad, that friend is the person who makes our day worth living for. Also i like to say that this poem some nice metaphors and nice messages to it.

Nitpick(s):

First off, i would say maybe shorten this poem a little since most poems are short yet most are long (like this one). However, i understand that you were trying to get your point across but maybe shorten the poem (a little).

I see darkness around the world is curled

i would say that you used the right words, but put them in the wrong order. I would maybe, write this as Below me, as I fly, I notice a dark world or something similar, since it seems a little bit confusing to the reader who might read it.

Overall, i would say that this poem shares a message that has been taught to everyone as a child; never give up on your dreams, even through the darkest of times and a friend can be your only ray of sunshine. Also it could be related to most people since we could have dreams that we wish were real or somehow, help the world with wars or dangers that could possible be in the way. Hopefully this helps and you write more (since i love your poems you write!)

Farewell,
Tuesday

Biluata says...

Thanks Tuesday, for the review! I hope your day is wonderful.

Tuesday says...

I hope your day is wonderful too!

Points: 750
Reviews: 5

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Sat Apr 25, 2015 5:50 pm

Beatrice wrote a review...

You are 14? Are u really!?
Oh my God. The poem is spellbounding. I could find no flaws. It was so beautiful and deep.
The imagination you wrote down and made us imagine is something that is unimaginable to come from at your age. I have got nothing to suggest you other than asking you to just keep it up. Really dear, you are a deep writer. GBU. :-)

Biluata says...

Thank you Beatrice, it means a lot to hear things like that! I hope you'll check out some more of my stuff, I will certainly be poking around for yours!

Beatrice says...

Sure Biluata,
however i'll start posting by the end of next month. :-)

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