I don’t really want to write,
As my paper, paper heart burns slowly with the
Cigarette butts you press softly against my chest.
They burn and ache and flame and you croon-
Hush love, it’s gonna be okay.
And the cage around the steady drumbeat of an organ
That doesn’t want to work anymore,
Expands and contracts with each grudging breath.
How is it that my mind wants that sweet oblivion,
But my body keeps on keeping on,
Just the way it was taught.
I don’t really want to write,
This sad, sad poetry because the internet is
Plagued by heart sorrow,
Everyone trying to be heard-
Trying to make their voices MATTER.
I don’t want to be remembered.
Your life is not your own,
It is not you who will suffer once you are gone,
It is not you who will feel the hurt
The gap,
Of a living, breathing person who lives and breathes no longer,
Your life is not your own.
But I’m hurting now and it’s funny because we never get to see our worth until the worst has come and washed over us like the tide and we’re lost and drifting and no one reaches out their hand to pull us from the quagmire of our minds, it is just us-
The broken. A thousand glittering stars in the sky winking out one by one
As humanity marches on, another eager conformist stepping up
To fill our gap in the parade.
So I didn’t really want to write,
But these words, they-
Eat at me, consume me with their weight until my brain rips itself apart,
Trying to find the perfect wording,
A rhythm just right to enunciate the pain lingering in the broken abyss
That used to contain the immensity of my love, my love.
My love.
Goodbye, my love.
I have decided,
That my life is my own and-
It is not yours to keep.
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125,021 Literary Works • 672,739 Reviews
If this poem is about what I think it's about, the last two lines, you're gonna have to keep walking through this world anyway and even all the good times it might contain will pass right on into the deluge of the past. and Besides, you'll always be thinking of Him. Because iniquity will abound the love of many shall wax cold...
The only place left to go is to abide next to the phantoms of dreams. Once you've had Him, ignoring that sweet voice; It only hurts more every time you try to wake up.
This is Nikayla here for a review!
Hi, Biluata, this may be the first or second time I've reviewed your poetry, so let's jump right into this! The structure that you use for this poem as well as the lack of stanzas is something that kind of throws me off because it's all one big stanza and the fact that the lines vary in length by so much. I don't mean this to be a bad thing, exactly, though I would suggest cutting down a bit on the space between the short lines and the long lines and forming a better structure than this one to make the poem look neater.
I enjoy the imagery and the emotional weight that you use behind your lines, and the two of them together are the strengths of the poem. I suggest you focus on this and use this to your advantage. The ending message that the reader ends up getting, or at least how I'm interpreting it, is the generic, "This is my life, not yours" last couple of lines. I would have liked it more if you came up with something else, but I think the ending works overall due to the way you word it. In the second to last line I suggest considering cutting out the "and-" for just a period at the end of it because I think it would have more emotional weight then.
The "MATTER" in the middle of the poem is something that threw me off and I'm not really a fan of words typed in all capitals when it comes to poetry because it distracts me from the reading. A lot of the poem is quite powerful in what it's trying to get across though I think using something that makes it written under a common theme or some sort of common imagery such as a metaphor that you keep expanding on would help the poem out in terms of being more powerful because you put a lot of build-up behind it. The end is well as it is though I have seen it done before--not in the exact same way, though, so it works for what it is.
I hope I helped and have a great day!
Hi Nikayla, I wanted to clear something up for you. My ending was intended to hint at the aspect of suicide, but I can see how that was misinterpreted. Thank you for your kind review!! I appreciate the constructive criticism!
Oh, yeah, I didn't notice that part of the poem, haha. Thanks so much! c:
Hey yo! Shey here to review! (why do I call myself that when reviewing? And why am I asking it now?)
Focus. Okay, so this poem. It was really good. Like, REALLY good. For the most part, I have not a lot to comment on. There's just one line;
The rhythm that was kept so beatifully throughout this poem was immediately lost there. I see the run-on, and I can tell it was intended, but nontheless it lost the rhythm.
What I would have done: Put that line in a separate stanza. Take it and make it into a stanza, not a paragraph. Split lines, etc. That will make it clear the author is going on a tangent, but should still keep the rhythm
That was a nitpicky thing, because I couldn't find much to comment on. So, bravo on writing such an awesome poem! Adieu!
-Sheyren
Thank you so much! And I do the same thing, shortening my username when referencing myself in reviews ^_^
I like the poem. It's real. And this piece holds the thoughts of a person, and holds close to the paper it was born on. However, as much as this is a free verse poem, to me it seems too wordy. Also, it has a lack of flow. But I really do like this. Keep writing!
Hi there! Thank you for your review. I'd like you to elaborate on how my poem has no flow, if that's not too much trouble. Flow is an extremely important part to my poetry style and I personally thought this poem was pretty well written in that regard. I'd appreciate your thoughts.
Hi Biluata!
I have to say, I really like some of your other poetry but I think I prefer your free-verse. There's something beautifully melancholy about this piece, and it creates an atmosphere that lingers even when it's finished.
I think what works so much with your style of writing is that you imagery tends to roll along quite well, without ever sticking too long or too strongly to any particular part, and that fits really well with the free-verse format. It also gently tickles the imagination but leaves a lot open to interpretation.
One thing I particularly like is the 'you' in this piece. The poem itself is very introspective, but there's a second person looming in the background that occasionally steps in, eventually leading to that last line which, on its own would be part of something random and whimsical, but the build up makes it all that more significant. In this work I would say that's your main strength, and it would be good to combine that with the rolling imagery to create a slightly stronger overall impression and to make it more memorable so that when your reader puts it down, there is still something that lingers other than that atmosphere.
Keep up the good work =]
- Tenyo
Thank you so much for your kind review! I definitely like my free-verse much better than my rhymed poetry as well, but the rhyming stuff was at the beginning of me learning to write, so .... yeah. Not my best stuff. Thank you for taking the time to review my work!!
Trying to find the perfect wording
That part though. The daily struggle.
I like the poem, by the way.
Thank you for your comment! And yes. Trying to find the correct words has always been a struggle for me. I spend half my time composing poetry in my head, trying to find the right wording!!