Eyes alight with a lust I hate,
Grabby hands, they think its fate
They kick open a haunted coffin,
A demand of chains and nails
I stand frozen in my golden shield
A one-sided war, their battlefield
Nothing but a trophy they want to own
They scratch and bite, my amber thrown
I smirk with a curled tail
As they rip my scales in a frenzied fairytale
And my fossilized walls fall
Greed is a trickster, they consider me a doll
Underestimation is reserved for a fool,
They believe only my heart is cruel
That I won’t leave them dead at their door
My ego is a carnivore, in gore it is atoned
I let them hold me, I allow them to breathe
Their flesh open, my weapon unsheathed
And in their veins my scorpion’s venom wins
Only in murder they pay for their sin.
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Canary word: Present
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hi there it is mthanmark263 and what a nice and interesting poem to read. The words were rhyming there was this rhythm like in the poem. Can I just say when I heard coffin there was a chill up in my spin I thought it was going to be about dead people but I thought wrong anywhere it was a very deep feeling story. I love the details of the poem and the way you wrote it. To me it was a bit scary and had me anxious the whole time reading it, even though it was short time it was a good feeling.
You really talented keep on writing
Hey! =^-^= The one and only Blue Cat here for a review! Before I even start, I apologize a million times over if this was too harsh and I just can't read a poem properly <33
), not simply capitalizing the first letter of each line. You can do so much more with it!
Alright, so to begin with, I can't seem to find the theme of this poem! It's lost in the rhymes you're trying to make, and now I can't find it! I don't know what message you're trying to get across or what this poem is about. I liked that the poem rhymed at first, but it seems like that is the only reason you wrote it, which make me sad! I've read some of your other poems, which are really good, so I'd like to see you write with the purpose I've seen before, if that makes sense.
To touch on the rhyming issue I'm having, at the end all of the stanzas, it feels like the last line is written only for the purpose of finishing the rhyme scheme, and at the end of the 2nd and 4th stanzas, it doesn't even rhyme.
Also, I can see that there is a lot of beginnings of imagery and deep descriptions, but since I can't make sense of their meanings, they all fall flat.
I would also like to give you the gift of this lovely link to Capitalization in Poetry since I believe this poem would also benefit from a deeper variation in capitalization(hey! that rhymed
Hearts and hugs and I hope you will continue writing poetry so I can keep reading it and showing you that you are a great writer! <3
~Cat
It means a person whose driven by lust and doesn%u2019t even care to know the person and wants to own them and when the narrator stays in their safe shell they get even more furious and the narrator lets them in purposefully as the other person thinks of them as a stupid doll but the narrator is a %u201Cscorpion%u201D and injects them with their poison so they pay for their sinful desire
And true about the rhyming but then I get complaints about not rhyming
Ah! I see. A little more hidden than I was expecting c:
Also, never ever let someone say that a poem has to rhyme to be a proper poe or a good poem. Poetry is meant to be freeing and next to whatever you want it to be c:
Hi! FamingPhoenix here to drop off another short review for you on this lovely day, and to help get your work out the green room.
Okay let's start shall we!
So I looked but I couldn't find any thing wrong with this poem, I thought it was very well done. It's way better than the last once I have read from you, it's like you flipped into a whole knew stile kind of, what I'm saying is that you have improved a lot.
I can understand the meaning behind this poem, and I know it's very deep and full of emotion that's because it's all there in every word, and it takes a hold of you the moment you start reading, but I don't think i have ever been in such a place to feel this way, so it was a rather big shock for me to feel so sad and feel like it was me that had been through such a thing. So great job with adding in the emotions, it really did work with helping me understand what you were feeling.
I will say that I did wish that this poem rhymed a little more than it did, but having the words that rhymed together few and far between really helped and seemed to give this poem more. So it works the way you have done it, and I'm not complaining.
As you can tell so far from what i have said i am very happy with how this has come out and I just loved it, I'm glad I got to be the first the read and review this work for you. I hope you will never stop writing and post again on YWS soon! Have a great day or night.
Your friend
FlamingPhoenix!
Reviewing with a fiery passion!