Blank Soul

Hello, Chips here with a review.

I found your title to be very intriguing and your concept was quite a dark one centering around self harm which is unfortunately often done. But I liked how you brought some new ideas to it such as adding the possible schizophrenia element so good job on that. However I do have some suggestions which may be of help to you.

"Darkness takes over the soul,

Filling it with hate."

This line was fine, though I feel as if I've seen it numerous times before. Darkness is an okay word though to make this opening stand out, I suggest to use a more compelling word to create more of an entrancing opening. Similarly, with the word "hate", I suggest something along the lines of *despair hopelessness etc..*

"Nothing more, nothing less.

Same old routine…"

Here, I think the "Nothing more, nothing less", wasn't really needed to be added, the poem would have been fine without it.

"The voices in my head won’t stop.

The wounds on my wrists bleed on."

Here, I would have liked you elaborate more on the extent of the affect the taunting voices in the character's head really has on the character's life, and the complications it brings. You could even give an example or the types of words the voices whisper, or shout. The wounds on the character's wrist needed more depth and imagery to really create an effect on the reader, in my view.

"I can’t stop this addiction,

This endless torture."

I thought these lines were a bit too direct and needed to show more than tell. The addiction I would have liked to see it being conveyed in the poem itself rather than it being directly addressed, similarly with the "torture", reference; I didn't really see the "torture" coming out of this piece strongly.


"Is this how it feels to die?

Or I am just another lifeless being on this planet?"

I liked the use of questions here.



Overall this piece has potential, hope this review was of help to you. Keep Writing!

--Chippy

Hello Kanome~

First thing first I guess, I would like to say that I understand why you have end stops and line capitalization in this poem, but I'm not sure I do. Being a poem about festering emotions according to "Filling it with hate./Nothing more, nothing less" I think that capitalization would be a bit too conforming, along with all this punctuation. At the same time, that's your own choice. I do think you have a lot of really good emotion in this poem. "This endless tourture" and "All I can see is a white light" brings us right to where you want us to be in the mindset of a person who isn't sure what they're living for. You use the cliches of those two things, along with some others well there.

I do think you could add some more physical descriptions to this poem. Right now you have a lot to do with sight, but nothing to do with touch, sound, or smell. We don't feel the blood dripping down their wrist, we see it. We don't feel how it is to die, we see the white light. If you added things like the sound of the voice instead of saying there was a voice, then it would be easier to hear. Right now you're falling a bit short though I do see where you try to add those senses. "Filling it" doesn't live up to what it needs to because we all know the feeling of something like an empty stomach, or starving lungs, but you don't use that, you just use filling it, well what is it? How does it feel to have it full of hate? Is it hot? cold? numb? buzzing? Giving us more descriptive words to work with this would improve the poem.

Same thing goes with "the wounds on my wrists" because we don't feel the stinging of dirty air, or the cold/hot blood, or hear the blood drip to the ground. We just get this blunt "bleed on" which doesn't describe how they bleed. Is it a bite mark or a cut? Is it dripping or flowing? Bleeding comes in so many different speeds that it could be more descriptive to get into detail here.

Overall I would like to see more description in the poem about what is physically happening in our dimensions with the senses we have. I think right now if you added that you would really support the sections you work with well, and really get into the nitty gritty of the question, what happens when we die?

If you have any more questions you know where to find me <3
Aley

Hello, Sounds here, dropping by to say a few words.

I thought that this was a very thought-provoking piece and thoroughly enjoyed it. I get the feeling that it's about someone who is either restless, troubled, or has schizophrenia. I'm going to go with the former here, however. Either way I picture someone with a lot of problems centered around some mental issue or something.

Though, I have to say, the 'feeling it with hate' line does strike me as a bit odd. Is the darkness feeling it up with hate, or filling it? I think filling it would be more appropriate and help better set the mood you were looking for.

Other than that, good job! Keep up the good work.

Hello there, rhia here to review!

This isn't really my type of poem, so rather tha focusing my discussion on content, I'll just talk to you about the technical things and where those can be improved.

Feeling it with hate.

Or I am just another lifeless being on this planet?