Young Writers Society

Hello Pinkiegirl13, Catcha01 here with a review. First off I like this story you took a cliche topic and personalized it so Hats off to you.
I feel that I only know Stephanie briefly, but not enough to actually KNOW her, if that makes sense. The same goes for Jean and the relationship that existed with Henry. I believe that some character and plot development should help just so we can know Stephanie to the point where we can feel her pain when Henry left her.
Next is your grammatical errors. You tend to confuse have, had, and has and would, will, and was. You use have often where has or had may be and so on. Reading aloud may make it easier to catch these errors because its easy to read over them when proofreading silently. Your flow in some sentences could use some work as well. For example "I was alone and need to be loved" could be "I was all alone and desperately needed to be loved." By adding "all" and "desperately" not only the flow, but the feeling pulled from that sentence is increased. Always make it a point to write in a way that your readers will remember.
Lastly I was reading and trying to hide my geeky smile with the daddy-daughter moment. That was really really cute. I was smiling the whole time as I read it. Try to continue developing this relationship between Stephanie and her father and displaying his ups and downs as you did with the whole boob scenario. Nice transition by the way.
Overall very good first chapter and an enjoyment to read. I hope that you do progress on with it and I will be awaiting the arrival of the second chapter.
Keep Writing!
~Catcha01

Alrighty, here as requested to assist with grammar!
So, before I start, let me ask the huge question: Did anyone read this aloud word for word? That's the BEST way to pick out grammatical errors, because we write like we talk, and if the writing sounds strange spoken aloud, chances are there's something wrong.
Now then, since there are a lot of errors lying around, I'm going to copy+paste this into an online pad, fix it, and highlight all the things I changed. It's much easier on the eyes than an anaconda of a grammar-freak post.

http://buggiedude2340.writerfeedpad.com/8 Let's hope that URL works. If not, this one definitely will: http://buggiedude2340.writerfeedpad.com/8

hey there :3 puppys here for a review

ok first of, that ex-boyfriend of hers is a complete JERK O_O I mean really!? who cares what others think!?!?!?! I do think u have some grammar mistakes but I knew easily what u were trying to say

I really have nothing else to say but this is a good story!!! ignore the other reviews below if they make u feel bad. today just wasn't your day, that's all. we get those moments don't we? just fix the few mistakes with grammar and continue on I WILL SLAP U IF U DONT U HEAR ME XD

P.S. I know this isn't much of a review lol but I wanted to do SOMETHING to show I liked it

CONTINUE ON!
~puppys3117~

That is! I am writing more of this story!
~Pinkie Jackson

That is! I am writing more of this story!
~Pinkie Jackson

I understand that English must be your second language.

I think you need to work on improving your English a bit more before you start writing long works of fiction in it. English is a confusing language, and you have the tenses all mixed up and barely any of your sentences make sense. I know its hard, and congratulations on trying your best, but I think that you should stick with shorter stories so people can help you learn more in a more controlled sense. If you write with short stories then its easier for people to take the construction of your sentences and correct you, which will in turn help you improve at your English bit by bit and how sentence structure and tense work. Crafting a short story is much more efficient in learning how to write prose for beginners.
Things you need to study include how to construct sentences to flow more smoothly in fiction writing.

In this story, I can't tell if the plot is hindered by the second language or not which may make it more difficult to convey your ideas in the way that you want to. Much of the stuff you have here is quite clichéd, and needs some work, but you also need to consider your characters more carefully. You introduce us to the girl who is your main character and supply us with details about the girls and the boys at this dance, except most of it is unnecessary. The readers don't care about what colour shoes everyone was wearing, and at this stage in the story they wont care about your character if you just describe their appearance. You have to make the reader relate.

In regards to the content of this chapter, I was actually quite disturbed. Here you have some children in middle school. And you are exposing these young children to adult like themes and superficial things. I personally think these children are too young to be having boyfriends and showing people their breasts, but I don't know the type of area you come from, perhaps that is normal there. If I am not mistaken you said that her father saw her breasts? I am not sure what you are trying to say here, but I think that your meaning has been lost in translation.
In this work there is just too many errors I can't point them out, and I don't think it would be worthwhile to correct them all. Facing the problem at the root of the problem would be a better tactic to make sure you are writing with less errors when you start so there are less problems to solve later on.

I think as you are writing you need to consult with a fluent English speaker to check your sentences make sense and for advice on phrasing. That way you can learn and write more clearly at the same time. Good luck and I hope your English improves.

Hai, Laure here to murder and ripe your pieces apart mercilessly review. I'm going to start off with some technical things and mentioned some suggestions along the way with both how you write and how you use your words.

The girls was

The girls was wearing on colorful dress with their high heels, and the boys were wearing on black or colorful suits with any color shoes.

She was wearing pink dress with white heels. She had her strawberry blonde hair down to her back and put some make-up on her face like the other girls. She is one of the geeks by the way. She tried to get along with the popular kids, have the boys to fall in love with her, and to become popular. However, she has a boyfriend named Henry, a quarterback of the football team, in the prom. You think she is showing off, but she actually have a handsome boyfriend. Then, Henry stopped her before they get to the dance floor.

"What it is?" questioned Stephanie.

"Um...do I have to go in the dance floor....I meant with you?" replied Henry.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean why I need to go out there with a nerdy girlfriend and I am handsome guy. That is just awkward to date with a nerd that have a nerd father in prom."

Stephanie got mad at him. "So you're saying that I am embarrassment?!" shouted Stephanie.

Henry laughed nervously. "Ha! Nonono! I just saying about the popular kids thinking of you. They said that your father is a creepy old guy and you are too. So...I am not dancing in prom with you..."

Then, the music appears.

That night was the best time in my life. I never see my father was so mature and kindly gave me that amazing dance. However, his behavior changed when it was my graduation from middle school. He embarrassed me in front of the entire school by telling a story of how he saw my boobs. The kids laughed at me as I tried to hide my face. Maybe his charms goes up and down.

It looks like it just finished; you narrowed the whole story into 1 chapter. This is good material; it is really interesting; it grabbed my attention. It is good, but you told everything too fast. I want you to add more details; it needs more feeling, I want feel how it happens, how all comes around and goes around. Imagine that you are Stephanie; live what she lives and write as it goes on your mind. I do not know what kind of style you are going to use, but I would recommend the formal style, which consists in not using contractions, abbreviations and so on. She is having an external conflict with the "popular kids" that is cool. In my opinion you should NOT redo it but add more stuff. I was told this, some guys told me to add more details in my piece of writing, I will do it later on. So you should do as I will do.
Another thing that I could observe is that you have got too many grammar mistakes, I know that this is just a draft, but you've got too many. For instance, in line... But before the grammar mistakes, I could see that you are chaging tenses when you need to follow only one tense, some sentences are in the past form, then you just switch into the present form or vice versa, Be careful when doing that. Now some grammar mistakes:

Paragraph 2 Lines 1-2: The girls "was" wearing "on" colorful dress with their high heels. It does not go like that it needs the plural form which is "were" in the another situation "on" does not go there, neither in plural nor singular. The sentence would be "THE GIRLS WERE WEARING COLORFUL DRESSES WITH THEIR (NEEDS AN ADJETIVE TO DESCRIVE THE HIGH HEELS) HIGH HEELS. Throughout the whole piece of writing you will find these kinds of mistakes and the switching tenses thing. You have to add more, this is really good stuff, I really liked it...Keep writing

Regards.