And I don't mean life is suffering
so put your personal problems
on the back burner
because we all suffer.
I don't mean to submit to suffering
because it is everywhere
and there is no way to escape it
no matter how little contact you have,
you are always going to suffer
so we might as well give in.
I don't mean that we all suffer
so yours is no greater or lesser than mine.
What I mean when I say
Life is suffering
is that; life is suffering.
So we don't need to go through life
slamming doors in people's faces,
causing more suffering,
or dragging in drama
like whether they think you're cute or not,
or the endless fight over what's for dinner.
Life is suffering
so why bring it on ourselves
to add more by three jobs
for the same house and car
but with a jacuzzi?
Life is suffering
so I don't mean that her problems
are not mine
but by her having problems
I have them too.
We are together, a unit whole
and as our neighbor plagues
and moans about his garden
or he is sick with cancer
so are we,
because life is suffering.
It is our experiences collected in a mind
or tolled on a body.
It is energy and will,
and while there will be will to live,
there is a fight to live and resistance to death.
Life is suffering
so why go through
holding to yourself like a mummy
and screaming for freedom,
for some salvation
when life is suffering,
and when we escape that
forever
we are nothing.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hey Aley! Here for the poetry exchange, admittedly late, but let's get to work.
Firs of all, I really like the imagination here, the equating of life to suffering.
But. Being the poetry novice that I am, I'm going to put out a limb here and say that some pronouns you have added in sound forced. I don't see any particular rhythm scheme you are using so I think this is freestyle.
For example,
I don't understand the need for "he" in the last line. It just breaks the flow of the poem and that freaks me out.
If you need another syllable why not use "sickly"?
The next problem I have with this poem is that it starts with an "and" although I'm sure this is a matter of personal taste.
This sets the informal tone to the poem and I think it tried to convey the sense of this being only a part of a rant, but it it feels...grating.
I think that this narrator is a bit kooky, so you should make this an anxious-person-trying-to-remember-what-to-say-so-im-having-a-wary-attack by adding an "and" to every "I don't mean to...suffering" line. That would be much nicer to read.
Except this. Of course except this. You can't add to beauty by adding to beauty. There is a remarkable beauty in simplicity.
Another point is that this poem tends to be hard to read due to the presence of some but the lack of other punctuation points. Consider the following:
I think either add the comma to the end of the first line or deploy shock troopers and you'll be fine.
Or do something magical with it.
I can't think of anything else useful to add, but is praise useful? Maybe.
This was great to read!
Keep poeting!
Hay gurlfraaaaand~
The jacuzzi feels out of place. Like, not the example, but the word. Jacuzzi is such a strange word to begin with, and it almost made me giggle when I read it. It totally makes sense, but it's just kind of out of place.I'm not used to this frankly talking to the reader thing, but I kind of like it. Poems sometimes not to be poems, but paintings, but this poem does not pretend to be anything but a poem.
Your use of repetition is quite effective, since you're defining what you're trying to say.
That being said, there are a few things I'd like to address about this poem.
First of all, I think you should cut it down a bit. Go through and find what is essential to the poem and cut it down to those things-- some of the examples and stanzas you have feel a bit unnecessary.
When I read through this first, I thought you were going to talk about how life itself is suffering. I was a little confused until I realized you were saying the other thing.
This is when I finally and completely realized what you were saying about life. I really like the juxtaposition of the severity of the issues the neighbors are facing.
Most of the things I would weed out exist in the first part of the poem, in the "I don't means" still. I think some of them are okay, but some of them are a little iffy, and could easily be taken out. Remember that in poetry, less is more ^_^
I think the end of the poem should be a bigger deal. I don't think the poem builds up to it quite enough. Hint at the ending before we get there because otherwise it happens like a train crash; sudden, loud, and confusing. Let us hear the train so we can see and dodge it rather than stand in the middle of the tracks, deaf to our impending doom.
I like the message in your poem. It makes sense, and it's interesting to think about.
I hope that this review proves useful to you! Happy poeting!
Aley, HIIIIIIIIII.
First of all, I want to say that I love the tone of voice here. I love the "I don't mean", because it shows the voice speaking directly to the listener and trying really hard to make sure the message they want to explain is getting across clearly, cutting away all possible misinterpretations. I like that eagerness. I like that frankness.
If you're looking for the stanza where the meaning of your poem gets across best, I'd say it's here:
I think this sums up everything that you're trying to say. The rest of the writing is definitely clearly therapeutic. It's therapeutic to read, too, like a calming voice calling me back from a peak of anxiety or pain. But a lot of it doesn't actually function as saying something. Especially not for people who don't already believe what you're trying to tell them.
It's like this: my mom keeps trying to tell me that taking different spices and herbs or rubbing different oils on me will make me feel better. The more she tells me, the less I want to believe, because all she's doing is telling me, and I can see her just taking the words from other people, too. If I were at the right point in my life, I could believe her, and if people were at the right point in their lives, they could believe this poem, but if we're not, it's like the words just reflect.
I think if you continued working with these words, you could find more, but if you wanted to cut them down, I'd like a poem that looked like this: stanzas 1-4, stanza 7, and the last four lines of the last stanza. For some reason, the specific images and stories didn't work for me in this poem, so that's why you'll see I cut them. I think this idea is clear enough that it can rest wholly and simply in philosophy w/o concrete language.
Hope these thoughts and suggestions are helpful to you!
PM or reply to the review if you have any questions/comments.
Good luck and keep writing~
Hannah
And I just think that the and at the beginning sounds like you're bringing up an old argument.
Hey Aley!
So I very much appreciated the sentiments in this that we shouldn't add to other people's suffering, and the whole thing about unity.
In all truthfulness I found this a bit ramble-y. I think the way you presented this took away from the clarity of the piece, and thus the message.
You should get to this first, and put what you don't mean after it, in my opinion.
Especially because unless you've read the title (which sometimes I forget to do), you have no idea what the first line is referring to.
I apologize now, I'm going to talk about specific things, so I'm going to quote a lot.
You should get rid of "it on ourselves to add" because it just words it up without adding any more meaning.
Neither I nor the reader knows who "her" is. It's okay if you don't want to specify, but it just sounds weird to have a pronoun with no specified subject.
These lines are like a break from the poem, and they confused me at first, like "what's she trying to say here?" Later I got it, but maybe you should switch their order? I think that would make it more clear on what you're trying to say.
I don't think this was a strong stanza to start with, not just because the "and," but also because it come off like you're reprimanding the people before you even say what you're trying to say first. The reader will become defensive.
This did not make anything clearer for me as I read it. I started thinking "maybe she's saying that the metaphorical entity of life is suffering a terrible trauma." That is not what you were trying to say, but it /could/ work with your poem up till then so I was cornfused.
I liked the last half of the poem considerably more than the first half. It was beautiful. Thank you for writing it.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
I'm not sure I understand what you are trying to achieve. Are you saying that because suffering is part of life we shouldn't add to it, should stick together? Well that's what I gleaned from that.
"I don't mean that we all suffer so your is no grater or less than mine." Either you would put yours are or your suffering is. And then it's greater not grater- grater is like cheese grater.
You probably don't need a semicolon after is in stanza four. It puts in a weird and unnecessary pause.
"Life is suffering
so I don't mean that her problems
are not mine
but by her having problems
I have them too"
I don't understand this stanza very well.
Other than all that, it's a good poem. Very powerful. Keep up the good work.
Happy Writing,
CreativelyWritten
Thank you for catching the errors <3. I knew there was something wrong with that section but I couldn't put my finger on what it was. Too hot off the press to edit specific words.
As for the semi-colon, I do need it. I want the pause in there. I'm not saying "Is that there was a great flood" but more like, "what is that?" but I don't want to put in "just" or "only" because I want people to read that section and look at it.
What I'm trying to achieve is pretty simple, just get my thoughts out there in a way that is clear and accessible. I'm hoping people will think about what this poem says, perhaps even what it means for them personally, and yeah, part of it is life is suffering, so we shouldn't add to it, and there's no reason Not to stick together, but the other part is just the idea: Life is suffering, as simple as that, so if we go to a heaven, where there is no suffering, there is no time, and we all gather up in one ball of joy forever, we're not living. I don't mean to say we should accept suffering as the norm, or that we shouldn't try to stop it, just that we're all together in it already. We don't need a heaven for that.
Mm, I usually don't go into what I mean with a poem. It's up to the reader if they get anything out of it or not. ^^ What I say is merely a different perspective on the poem. Please take the poem however you wish.
I hope my critique did not offend you! I swear that was my intention and is in fact is something I constantly fear when reviewing. I don't really understand why you need the semicolon still but it is your poem dear.
As a matter of personal curiosity: you don't think we need Heaven? Heaven is not supposed to be like life and I think a place where suffering is gone is wonderful. ... But I don't want to start anything, heated discussions and such.