The moon is bright,
and the stars fill the sky,
watching over the good and bad.
**
One day when you grow old,
you will receive the call, for when you will die.
Once you have, the stars will take you to their home in the sky.
**
Once you are that star in the sky,
then you can watch over the good and bad,
just like the other stars did for you.
**
You can watch over the people day and night.
You may not be able to see the stars in day,
but they are there watching over you.
**
You may not know it,
but the stars are their watching over us, day and night.
Forever and always.
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137,690 Literary Works • 672,059 Reviews
Hey dogs,
So I just thought of looking at your portfolio(did I get the right spelling) and the I come across this amazing work of yours.
This poem it's wonderful. It's sweet, beautiful, incredibly peaceful and so many other thing put to words. You know when I was a child my mom always used to tell me that after we die we go up to the stars and it just reminded me of it.
I love the childish feeling that you gave to the poem. I love the way it flows and the ending line is just like the cherry on the cake.
Never quit writing
Fangirl ~
Thanks so much Fangirl!
Your most welcome dogs <3
Hello!
This was a strangely peaceful poem. I very much enjoyed it.
That said, it could be improved. I think much of this poem is cliche, but I understand the sentiments. I felt like I've read about how stars watch over everyone in lots of books.
But what makes this poem so wonderful was the special parts that you don't always see. I think those unique things can be found in the third and fourth stanzas.
I think the poem would be more unique if you could just expand on the idea that you become a star after you die, and the stars watch over. Not is such plain terms, but expand on it, make it beautiful. Involve a metaphor and rich images!
Also, the final line of your poem intrigues me. I think you should focus on the infinity of stars as well. I think these things would make your poem much more unique and interesting.
You want your poem to be memorable. If it's something the reader has heard before, they aren't going to remember it.
Otherwise, despite the lack of really rich imagery, this was technically very good.
Great job, keep writing!
~fortis
Thank you. I will see what I can do!
Hey there! WillowPaw1 here to review your work!
Nitpicks
I really think that comma is unnessacary. It just creates a big pause in the sentence that you don't want (I assume you don't want, at least).
Same problem with your other poem: the their is supposed to be there.
Okay - so in the second stanza there is ryhming. I'm pretty sure this was on accident, but you should probably change it, because it can interupt the poem, since there is no other ryhming in it. (I have done this before, too, it took me forever to replace the word "sky")
Again, like your other poem - capitalization. I suggest just capitalizing every line in your poem.
Comments
Time for comments!
I thought this was a simple, short, creative poem! I mean, the topic "stars" is definitely written about all the time, but you kinda added your own little twist to it, and I like that!
The one reccomendation I have is to not be so repetitive. I mean, yeah, repetition in a poem is sometimes good, but re-stating lines a bajillion times gets.. Well, kind of boring. For example in your poem: you've said "watching over us" at least three times.
Add more beautiful, descriptive language and long, flowing adjectives. It will make your poem less repetitive and even more beautiful that it is now!
I hope this proves helpful to you!
WillowPaw1~
Thank you. Like I told you before, I am not good a poetry, but I do try it
No problem! And don't say that - be confident in yourself!
Thanks a lot. Talk to you later.
Yep!