We stare across the shores,
my skin as black as night;
practically blue if you knew how
close to look, yours glowing white
like a diamond on the bank
(milk, from stainless silk).
I can't dive into the river.
I can't swim, my breasts will sink
like a rock to the floor.
They say there are spikes laid out
for our kind, to kill us when we hit.
You can't touch the water
or you might be marred by barbs
of steel from the vehement village.
They might call you a witch
as you bob along like a lily
in your sundress.
Tonight, I can see you crying
but I can't hear you
from this distance.
Tomorrow we'll stand close
and watch over the little daisies.
They drop their heads to the dirt,
too heavy to stay up for long.
I'll coo and cradle them
as you watch on from the door,
your children in my arms
tended by my slow-burning coal.
My babies lie cold on the river's
lonely island. Dark will fall again
and I will be sent back
across the river to confinement
where we stand apart, staring,
wishing to drown hand in hand.
Special thanks to @PenguinAttack for helping me get the line breaks better.
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137,507 Literary Works • 672,040 Reviews
beautiful depiction of unconditional friendship and dedication crossing the borders of racial discrimination.that the same warmth,the same blood,and the same humanity runs thoughout all races,colours and backgrounds,is laid out boldly in this composition.true friendship indeed knows no bounds.i feel the girl wishing unconditionally and praying to unite with her fair-complexioned friend,penetrating all the layers of this heartless society.the babies part was the most touching.comparion of her body to 'slow-burning' coal rouses anger and indignation toward the barriers that still continue to seperate two dearest friends.
Hey Aley, Strange here and I have a review for you on this great Review Day!
Quick side note, you placed in the top three of the Anti-Love poem contest so congrats! I will get you your points after Review Day. Sorry if this review seems short.
This was beautiful and powerful. It talks about how a couple is separated but it doesn't exactly say it, as the prompt goes. I conceived the last line as
"We do want each other to die, but we love each other"
They love each other, but they're going through a difficult time, correct? The imagery in this is strong, and you couldn't of done better. Great job, Aley.
Overall, great job
Strange gives you...
9.0/10
Great job
Keep writing
Stay groovy, my amigo
Hi, GreenTulip here to give you a review for the Poetry Exchange.
I would be lying if I said that this entire poem kept my attention through out the entire poem. I lost concentration on the words after the first stanza. I am going to explain why- the stanza's are simply to long to keep my attention. I have a mind that will go from one thing to another if the wait is too long or the thing I am reading is simply to long (It makes long reading passages on tests really hard to do), so I do say sorry for that.
But I can share of my favorite lines, from what I have skimmed over.
Okay, one that I didn't understand:
That's all I can offer for you.
Hey Aley~
So glad to get one of your poems in the exchange.
Okay, this is so powerful, I'm having trouble to know where to start.
The ending, I guess is a good enough place.
I love it. It hits hard, if you know what I mean. Just that last line is full of some great tension.
I'm trying so hard to find something to critique. I keep staring at this poem...Alright, these line:
This is the only full stop you have in the middle of a line. You have commas in the middle of some lines, but not periods. It comes off a little strange.
Then you have a transition to the coming night which is fine, but lonely island and the coming night don't have much to do with each other. The logical flow is broken, if that makes sense.
Now that I'm looking at it, I'm wondering why the topic of the speaker's children isn't grouped with the stanza before. It would make more sense in my mind.
First, love this line. Fantastic line.
Second, that comma needs to be a period or a semicolon. Otherwise that sentence is a run-on.
I feel like there's so many things that I'm not grasping, but I'm going to refuse to overthink this.
I just love the second and third stanzas. The imagery is fantastic, and the forlorn, resigned tone is very intriguing.
I just like the image in my head when I read this. It makes me think of a children's book I once had.
Alright. I hope this has been of some help :s
I always love reading your stuff,
Megs~
I really do love this poem. It is very well written but not because of grammar but because of its individuality and the descriptive language you use throughout this. It is a very creative piece which makes it more evoking and interesting to read. I would enjoy to read more poetry like this because I enjoy the use of your words and the way it's structured which is also easy to read. The third stanza has to be my favourite because it is described perfectly for what you are trying to say yet it's done in a way that is not simple. This poem gave me a quite dark feeling because you did not use words which would convey a light tone but that added to the meaning of the poem so I really liked that. I love the basis of history inside your poem because it is very visible to see if you read carefully and digest the creativity of this. It is a piece of work which can immerse the reader into it and I have read it over more than once meaning it is not a piece of work that can be simply skimmed through. I love the last line of the last stanza because again it brings the darkness of the poem but also a sense of love and warmth which I really like because it is a kind of opposite in terms of emotion. Again, I think this is beautiful strong poem and I would love to read more of your work which is similar. Well done! This is something else.
Wow. I was blown away by this poem; usually when things are categorized under romantic, I don't give them much thought, but the title intrigued me and I wanted to find out more. I'm so glad that I decided to read this, and I'm so glad you wrote it.
Compliments: The imagery in this is just spectacular. I can easily see every moment of this poem, and that's something you really need in a poem like this. I think some of the strongest phrases are: "I can't swim, my breasts will sink/Like a rock to the floor." "They might call you a witch/as you bob along like a lily/in your sundress."
Criticism: While I really love the overall feeling that this poem gives me, I think that you could work on the way you phrase lines, and your word choice. A couple examples:
"(milk, stainless milk)." The usage of parenthesis is good, but I think that the word "stainless" doesn't make a lot of sense in context, and doesn't flow with the soft intensity of most of the words used in this poem.
"They might call you a witch/as you bob along like a lily/in your sundress." While the imagery is great, I feel like the poem would flow more easily if you said: "They might call you a witch/as you bob along/like a lily in your sundress."
My suggestion would be to look through the poem again. Read it out loud, and phrase it according to the flow of the poem as you say it.
Otherwise, this is absolutely gorgeous! I can't wait to read more of your work. Thank you for writing!
Wow, this is impressive! I like how you portray the idea of two people in love but unable to get to each other without actually saying so. It takes real talent to use metaphors like that!
Now for the critique part.
"I can't dive into the river.
I can't swim, my breasts will sink
like a rock to the floor."
That above group sounds awkward when compared to the rest of the poem. Especially the last two lines. It breaks, instead of flowing smoothly.
"My babies lie cold on the river's
lonely island. Dark will fall again
and I will be sent back"
Same thing here, it just sounds rather choppy, especially the "Dark will fall again, and I will be sent back" part. It's ok just by itself, but the overall effect just doesn't fit in with the rest of it.
Overall, great job! I enjoyed reading this and would LOVE to see more like it!
Toboldlygo
Whoa, bro. A+.