That Tree in The Yard

hey hey! Cailey here with a review for this fine piece of poetry.

I love that you compare yourself to a tree. This:

"I just write ‘cause I am that tree,
fleeing away from my home
to get some sun,
just to stay happy long enough
so I can die one day.
Only wondering
why the hell I was planted
in the first place."

Is my favorite stanza. You ask the questions that a lot of people ask and wonder about, but you do it just like you're stating a fact, without going through monotonous questioning that we've all heard thousands of times. This was different, but you tied the questions in none the less. Nice job.

I think the last two lines could use some work, though. You end by saying that you're in a forest, but didn't you start out by talking about a tree planted in the yard too close to the house? I mean, I thought that was the point, that the tree is in a strange place and alone and doesn't quite fit in. It's unique, or maybe odd, and I thought that was what made you and the tree similar.
But then you end by saying that the tree is in a forest, and I feel like that changes the whole poem. See if you can find a way to fix that or at least explain it.

Overall, nice job. If you need anything, don't hesitate to ask. Keep on writing!

Hey I'm going to go ahead and give a review, superman!

First off I think that maybe making a letter was not the best idea, but that said, I did understand the poem and why you wrote it the way you did. It may not be the post "passionate" seeming poem, but I felt what you were trying to explain, and I felt the frustration and your hope that this character's father would understand what was going on within him. And understand him, and why he writes. I felt like starting with "Dear Dad" could give people certain expectations though and I think that it would send the same message if you had started out with something similar yet not as formal. Like maybe "Hey, Dad" or just "Dad," but this is just an opinion. Also though, because me thinking of letters it caused the ending to seem a little cut off, in my opinion.

So I'm going to go stanza to stanza and then give an overall view.

First Stanza

First off, I think that this is a run-on sentence, or that this sentence could be shortened so that it's easier to read, and punctuates certain lines. Especially that first line.

I think it would read a bit better like this:

I don't need inspiration
my inspiration is abundant.
Flowing through your neurons,
which you haven’t nearly enough,
to make you interesting.

I liked the other half a lot it seemed a little long, but still I really liked what you meant with that. You were saying that this character (is it you?) felt that their father was boring in a way, and yet had the potential to step out from being "boring" and be more creative and exciting and such. So I really thought that was great, a good set of lines to bring understanding to the reader.

Second Stanza

The first thing that I noticed with this stanza was that the character didn't say "our yard" but instead, "your yard" and I found that quite cold. It seemed to me like the person was just trying to reason with their father, but perhaps it goes deeper than just reasoning, it's reasoning with some bitterness and anger. Which is interesting, but also kind of took me by surprise and bothered me just a little. But it also was interesting how such a small word explained so much to me, so I thought that was interesting. The rest of the stanza was interesting too, it's now revealed how trees come in. I feel like you named the poem after finishing it, because of how it goes. I think it's good, but I do feel some lack of understanding with his sort of talk, but I get it in a way.

Third Stanza

I found this stanza quite a bit confusing. Why would this writer think that? Unless it's the portray of how they feel their father see's their writing. And that's what I originally thought, but if that's what you're trying to portray I'd suggest you try to review it a bit more, and add something like:

"As my dad says"

Or something similar. That way the reader knows this is how the father sees the writing and not the writer themselves. And if that's not what you meant to portray, then this leaves me quite baffled. I'm not sure what you meant by it, or how exactly it contributes to the whole picture.

Fourth Stanza

This was what sold me on the whole poem. This stanza was seriously amazing. I mean I could read it a million times and never feel like it doesn't bring some meaning. It was just so well written and I really enjoyed reading this stanza. Fantastic stanza. It also brought to light how the writer truly feels about their writing which is comforting for the reader and is just really nice to know. Also this:

Only wondering
why the hell I was planted
in the first place.

the utter boringness of veracity.

Hey there!

So, first thing I noticed: repetition of structure. Change it up a bit and this will be a helluva lot smoother. Next up, remember when we were talking about saturation? Strip the fat, cut out lines that aren't necessary and you will have a poem that hits hard.

Now, this poem starts out sounding as if it is going to be a hard hitting letter. It's not, I'm sorry. Right now I think that incorporating some really strong imagery in order to reflect what YOU are feeling will help the reader relate in a stronger, more meaningful way. Right now I'm focused more on the trees than the relationship between you and your father, and it's a let down. Trees are cool, don't get me wrong, but you don't want us thinking about the cycles of trees and how they grow and stuff, you want us to think about how they depict this relationship, why they carry so much emotion, etc. Lemme know if you're curious about anything as always.

-coral