Young Writers Society

Hi there Rhiasofia!

I thought that in general this was beautiful, but you use a lot of words - more than necessary, I'd say! For example:

I draw my hands together in a slow, grating
motion and hope for some warmth
in the face of this sharp company,

Hi Rhia!

I hope you're having a lovely day. So I think this poem is a little too cliched at this point. Your imagery is a bit stagnant and we're stuck going over the same concept (cold and loss) in a way which isn't conducive to enjoying your poem.

"remember how little I touched you today;" At the moment I'd say this is your best line. It's hidden in there among the slightly melodramatic chafing cold, but it says what you want in a simple but evocative way. When I read that I am reminded of the times where I spend a day without making any physical contact, and those days are sometimes weird and empty because of it. "set my hands aching at the bones" is also a really solid line. Good, simple but moving!

If you can consider the rest of your poem in this light, then I think you're going somewhere. Solidify your image, what is the forecast for real? Is it snow or sleet or hail? You having a strong metaphor will help the rest of your poem fall in line, allowing you to start linking your images in a way which can build on your concept without dragging it down. Think of how you might give your images in a more cohesive way.

"The forecast said cold, with a chance
of self-inflicted loneliness.
Just cold enough, it said, to
sting tears into the corners of my eyes"

Could turn into something like "The forecast said sleet,/80% chance for loneliness,/just cold enough/to ice the tears in my eyes." or some such. It's still a little melodramatic, because I think you can use images to show the loneliness and sadness without actually stating them and that might up the 'production value' of the poem, the look and the feel of it.

I think you've got a good start here and while it needs work, you have the base to build upon, which is really the harder thing! Good luck with any changes!

- Penguin.

That was pretty beautiful, not going to lie. I'm a crap poet, so I tend to like most poetry, but trust me when I say this is a lot better than many I've read (who weren't like, you know, published poets). I envy great poets because my own is lacking, and you, friend, are a great poet. It's short so there's not much to say other than it is skillfully crafted and evocative. General terms, I know, but I'm a crap critic as well.

Wow, thanks for this. Keep up the great work!