Warning: This work has been rated 16+.
Here is my submittal to you
Do you see it? It is small,
yes, and I
clench it between my teeth so I
might crush it when you
try to grasp it
and I suppose
that should bother you, the one
who tells me I was made
to bend
to whatever shape you make
for me to conform to
but I claim
to have been given this flexibility
to bounce back from
wherever you drag me,
just to prove you wrong.
you swear it's in my genes to be docile,
but what's in my jeans
doesn't make me any less.
You clench your jaw when I argue,
I bat my lashes as I spit
obsenities to make you flinch
cause I don't want to be
your pretty girl;
I want to be my own flame--
beautiful, but damn will I
be quick to burn.
If you dare
to say again that my place
is determined by my gender, I
will show you the place
you've earned with your ignorance;
you love to preach to me of hell,
but don't want to admit
that you have first row seats
to that fiery after party.
If you advise that I
keep my mouth shut because
my opinions are deluded by my sex,
I will shut your eyes forever
rather than have my intelligence denied
because you can't realize
your own flaws.
I always thought
if I was given ears I could make them learn,
but you are a special breed
of ignorant.
You didn't count on this;
you expected me to smile prettily and nod,
but I am no air-brained bobble-head,
not keen on the complacency that is
your ideal woman
cause I don't care to appeal
to anyone but myself.
Not an ideal woman, I am
the woman.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Interesting. The poem begins with you biting back repressed anger. Then you end it with the rejection of the domineering subject, and you fall into the loving arms of self devotion. Seems like a forthright account of a girl separating love from control, and braking free of the latter. The style is a detailed explanation of your resentment of close-mindedness. I guess its best to live for yourself. I like the structure. It shows that you don't need to use paragraphs to make a poem flow. Excellent grammar, no errors to speak of that I could see. My one humble suggestion would be that you change the ending to a final introspection to seal the deal, something like, "not your ideal woman/my ideal woman", I think it would echo the style of the previous stanzas. Good poem, shows the process of finding strength in ones own resolve.
Hi there. This poem is so good it deserves yet another review! I agree with Renard in regards to the length. I did find it a bit long, but because of the shortness of the sentences and the way you said straight out what you wanted us and the person you were addressing to know it made it easy to read through and be surprised when it was over.
I don't agree however with his judgment on your childish language. I thought it was good because you were essentially talking down to this simple minded person who couldn't understand.
I got a bit confused at the "I always thought if I was given ears" part until I realized the ears weren't to be yours but the ears and so attention of others. Once I got it then I thought that part was brilliant.
One part that is a constant enigma to me is the end where you say "not an ideal woman, I am the woman." I just can't get it through my head for whatever reason. It seems profound but I don't know why. I keep reading it hoping I will get it, because I know you meant something by the specific wording.
I also love the part where you say women were made flexible so they can bounce back when they are forced around by a man. Its so true and such a great argument.
So thanks for this poem, I agree with everything this woman is saying and I am rooting for her the whole time!
Just as a side-line: this poem convinced me to join YWS.
Now that I've confessed, onward to (my first ever) review (on this fantastic page).
Um, you blew me away. Something about your determination reminded me of Maya Angelou, something about your conviction reminded me of myself. You are very good, you know. Here, allow me to quote some of the choicest parts.
"you swear it's in my genes to be docile,
but what's in my jeans
doesn't make me any less."
and, YES. so concise, but funny enough to make me snort. I don't snort at anything. Be aware of the weight of this compliment. ~
"If you dare
to say again that my place
is determined by my gender, I
will show you the place
you've earned with your ignorance"
What caught me especially was this juxtaposition which you continued throughout the poem. You contrast the speaker's / your conviction with your opponent's ignorance, their bigotry with your revolt and their idealism with your realistic self-determination.
The line breaks make this a volatile piece, but in your wording is a kind of meticulous care that causes the poem to regain structure. All in all, it conveys a sense of personal empowerment and justification that works very well to underline the point you formulate.
If I am to be forced to find things to criticise, and I suppose that is the aim of any review, then I suppose I could bring in that:
(1) The wording sometimes (rarely) felt awkward - it could perhaps be worded a little more concisely to bring across your intended meaning.
"just to bounce back from
wherever you drag me,
just to prove you wrong. " -- here specifically the repetition of "just". If it was intentional, it didn't fulfil its purpose.
(2) The sense that on the one hand you speak to a specific person, yet on the other, that they represent the multitude of misogyny. If it is to be a single, isolated person, I personally would benefit from knowing who precisely they are, and your relation to them - if they represent ignorance and general bigotry, it would be helpful if that link were either more explicit or your opponent _less_ so. get me?
Anyway, I will forever remember this poem as the one that enticed me to join. Excellent!
~Baesch
Hello.
After reading your poem I immediately noticed several things about it:
Good Points
1. The structure of the stanzas: easy to read and interesting to look at.
2. You have a nice tone, especially in the first stanza: eg.
3. Where you have omitted punctuation it does help the flow of the poem.
Improvement Points
1. For me, the work is too long and you have said all you needed to say by the second stanza.
2. Some of the lines are a bit, childish eg 'am no air-brained bobble-head'. Maybe that's part of the essence of the work? But it just didn't read right.
3. The words "i" and "you" stand out a lot here, as if they have been overused. It may be better to change that somewhat to add more variety.
On the whole, I enjoyed reading this work, even if at times it went off on a tangent (particularly towards the end.)
Keep writing.
~R
Hey, Rhia! I'm not going to give you a full review now because I'm going to bed and I just saw this, but I'll give you one tomorrow (If I don't, feel free to kick my butt by PMing me and telling me to do what I said I would >.< I'm forgetful sometimes)!