but now, I've finally had
a running dream
where the night was brittle
and too slow, and I
was too much for my own head
and so I ran
and the streets I know
were strange with that dust
of being dreaming; I knew
somehow that this was
their true intent.
the night was still&dark and no one knew
and it was, just was
so now I wake with strange starts
from slumber each night,
wishing to be, just be
lacing shoes
and stopping myself at the door
before I go because I know
it will never be the same.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
I think I understand what you are trying to say-"and it was just was"-but you coul benifit from some punctuation here and there. Some other, perhaps awkwars, sentences were "strange with that dust of being dreaming" and "wishing to be just be". It appears that last one is an ad homonym reiteration of the first. Overall I enjoyed your lamentation of a brief respite from realitys foreboding ultimatums. "To be, just be" without fear of reprecussions is great gift, and youve found this gift in the false world your brain provided. With some revisenent of grammer(probably being a hipocryte here) this gentle poem would make a nice melow taste on the tip of my tounge. Good work.
Hello! Rurouni here to review!
Interesting poem, but I'm going to cut to my nitpicks to make this easier for both of us... I tend to ramble when I first introduce and yeah...
First off; I feel that your first stanza is sort of broken. I get that its suppose to be connected with your title, and that's cool and all, but maybe if you put the title into the stanza, it might feel more whole and connected.
Now time for my more, visual nitpickities~
Why did she bold that, you ask? I'm not sure what that means. Read it aloud, it sounds alright, ish, right? It reads strange, but that's just me... It might make sense to you, so maybe play with some words.
Ahh! Why did she bold that, you ask? Well, you are fully capable of writing the word and! If its for visual effect, I didn't get it.
Lastly: I'd turn your lost stanza into two stanzas. It's longer than the others and is sort of chunky, sitting there.
Allright, Overall: Nice, I like it! I applaud you on your imagery. Though there are some nitpicks (like writing the word and...), but besides that, and the whole first stanza thing I talked about, it's a nice poem, keep writing!
I need to wander off now!
Always,
~Shad
Hello, I don't normally review poetry but I'll do my best.
I absolutely LOVE the line:
because it reminds me of a million times I've accidentally woken up from an amazing dream and would have given anything to return to that perfect world.
I also love your imagery 'dust/of being dreaming' because it made me think of the streaks you see when you close your eyes and gave the running a sort of magical atmosphere.
I'm a little unsure about your rhythm the point - 'and stopping myself at the door/before I go because I know'. I think this would work better if you separated 'before I go because I know' into 'before I go/because I know'.
That is my only criticism. I thought it was lovely and accurate and pleasant to read.
Well done
I know how you feel. Dreams and sleep get me like that too. ~~ Love the poem, it has a nice flow of wonder and a bit of solemn regret. Is "Still&dark" supposed to be like that?
What do you mean by a running dream?
Literally just a dream where I was runnining. I know lots of people get dreams like that, or flying dreams. And yes, I did do the "Still&dark" on purpose, it's something I've sort of stolen from E.E. Cummings because I like the way it looks.