At my window today,
I realize that a bloomed crepe myrtle
will cry even when the sun is shining.
This summer's almost over, just like
each one before, and I have no legacy
save the trail of down feathers
I've ripped from my skin.
Their dance to the floor is agonizing;
I grind my heel into the pale luminescence
of my past, but each step is an accident
I swear.
At my window, today
I remembered that, sometimes
birds will pass into the corners of our vision
yet we pretend not to have seen them,
when the thought comes
that something could have been there,
once we choose to be blind
sometimes
If I was asked
when I'd like to see these things again
I'd answer Sometime,
much later
when I've forgotten that they were mine
until then, I'll swallow my patience
in thimble-fulls,
and if I forget to forgive the dark
I'll set myself on fire
out of spite
(but I'll never forget to grow
no matter how desperately I try)
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hey rhiasofia! Writer here to give a review! (well, an attempt at one. Your poems are always too good to be reviewed
)
First off, I want to say I really liked the format of this poem. The way you have the italicized lines in a different format sets it off from the rest of the poem, therefore making it far more important. I really appreciated how you did this. Also, I just wanted to ask, did you know you won first place in Raven’s and my contest? Just wanted to let you know if you didn’t.
Moving on…
I feel like this should have a bit more punctuation to it, perhaps a comma after “over,” because it then will set off “just like each one before.” When I added in that comma, it made me pay more attention to “just like each one before.” I’m not sure if you wanted to add more importance to that phrase, but it feels like you kind of neglect it here with the lack of punctuation. It is an important phrase, right? This is only a suggestion
Hmm, I don’t think this comma was necessary. I mean, a semicolon might fit here, but I have never been a huge fan of semicolons in poetry. I just didn’t like the comma here. It’s just, the way you have used other commas in this poem, it’s still holding together the same idea, whereas here you’re using it to hold together two different ideas. If you were to add a period, that would sort of break the consistency you have going on here, so I’m not sure what you could do to fix it. If you like the comma, keep it. It’s your work
This isn’t me nitpicking, but me rather confused and oblivious XD What do you mean here when you say each step is an accident? Are you saying that every time you step on…the feathers (I think), you’re claiming it as an accident? And the words “I swear” are kind of a reassurance that it is really accident? XD I’m sorry if it’s super obvious, but I was kind of confused at that part.
I want to make sure I’m clear with this part of the poem. Is the non-italicized part connected to the italicized part? What I’m saying is, is the italicized part the end of the sentence. “when the thought comes that something could have been there once, we choose to be blind sometimes.” Is that all the same sentence/thought? If you could clarify there (I must look like a dum-dum to you >.<)
Microsoft Word is telling me “-fulls” is not a word >.< I disagree with that. I loved this use of imagery you have here! But why thimble? Only curious
Best. End. Ever. Well done! These last few lines closed up the poem perfectly and I admired how you put them in quotes. Very interesting way to set them off from the rest of the poem
So if this review was helpful (which I hope it was) please let me know >.< It’s always hard reviewing a work like yours, you’re getting better and better with each poem you post.
And once again, congratulations on your winning first place in our contest! It was stellar work
Writer,
Thanks as always for the lovely review! I added that semi-colon where you mentioned it (do you know how excited I was to hear you reccommend the use of a semi-colon?!? Squee!) and also added that extra comma. Good suggestions.
The bit about the steps being accidents, you described exactly what I was trying to say. Each step on the feathers, or alternatively, each step on my youth, past, childhood, what have you, was an accident. Make more sense now?
The italicised bits were all meant to be quotations or thoughts. THe one you asked about was not part of the same sentence, but some of those were, if they were quotations.
Thank you, and yes, I did hear that I won :3
XD You are very welcome
Thanks for the clarifications as well!!
Hello and Happy Review Day!
Is there any important symbolism to the bird being a bloomed crepe myrtle? I might just put myrtle because, maybe it's a regional thing, but I don't know what a myrtle looks like, much less a bloomed crepe one, and it's throwing off the flow of your poem a bit and it doesn't add.
The third stanza, about seeing the birds in the corner of your vision, seems a little bit bulky. I think you could word that stanza a little bit more eloquently and in less space. I think that would improve the poem a lot.
The italicized line "when I've forgotten that you were mine" throws me a bit. The whole poem is about the narrator growing up and watching time pass, and now you throw a 'you' into it. Who is you? Are you trying to throw a romantic spin into the poem? If so, I'd suggest making it more obvious and hedging it out more, or else not adding it in. If it's something else, you need to make it more clear what you're referring to by the 'you.' Also, I feel this line would flow better without the 'that'. It makes grammatical sense without it.
I adore the line about swallowing patience in thimble-fulls; that's really beautiful, masterful imagery right there. And I also love the ending, that they're trying so hard to forget to grow but they can't; it's a natural, inevitable thing. I also like the contrast of them trying to forget to with the imagery of them pulling the down feathers, as if they're trying to hasten their maturing at the same time they're trying to forestall it. They're confused as to what they want: they want the moment to stay and last forever, not just flit away like the birds that are barely seen in their vision, yet they see themselves growing, maturing, changing at the same time and it agonizes them. The meaning of the poem is absolutely beautiful.
I hope this review helped!
-tgirly
Thanks, it was helpful! I changed some stuff around based on your thoughts
Crepe is a cloth strongly associated with the mourning proccess.
Crepe is also a type of paper, that's actually where the name comes from, cause the petals and bark look like crepe paper.
Oh, that makes a lot of sense now, thanks! That's some awesome symbolism then.
Hi. I would just like to impose a few nitpicks on you first. During the poem I could understand it perfectly well, but some may be confused by the present and past tense. The first instance of this is when you say "at my window today, I [realize] that". Then you say in the fourth paragraph "if you asked me". An possibley awkward sentence is "but flicker from existence". I would suggest that you change but to then. Just my recommendation. Lastly when you say "just for spite". I may be wrong here, but when I use spite I usually use it in the format "out of spite". Now for ineterp. I like this poem because it shows that times pasing sometimes is an agonizing thing, so we try to forget about it but end up conforming to its throes anyways. The theme of a summer lost is a perfect medium for this. Its aided by a coherent structure, a way with words, and impressive linguistic abilitys. Ive allways enjoyed your work. Keep it up