If I passed myself on the street today
I don't think I would recognize myself.
I tend to take a whole new face, a new
persona when it rains, like on the day
when we scurried through rainbow stained puddles
on our lunch- a race to get to your car,
to hurry to your home between grey clouds
and then bask in each others warm presence.
Who was I when I wore that dress for you
and kissed you first, behind windows on which
raindrops took a lazy spiral down past
our embracing reflections? Surely she
was much more beautiful than I could hope
to be, more graceful in her steps as she
moved into your arms and ensared herself;
yet I remember fondly how you felt.
The rain always smells just like kissing you,
so I can't be sad. Hesitant rain drops
feel the way your fingers did, finding each
new favorite bit of skin; creamy pale
beneath your own warm, light brown complexion.
When the sun finally comes, it looks like
my hair did, pressed against your short dark curls;
I see your gentleness in each dark storm
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Wow. This has got to be one of my favorite posts I've ever seen.
I think it is really sweet and I like how I can relate. I haven't actually experienced this but I can still relate. Also, I love how it has imagery, I don't know if you meant for it to or not but it does. The only thing I can say for an actual critique would be the stanzas. Poems normally have flowing stanzas and this one didn't. It more reminds me of a paragraph in a story. Other than that. You did a really good job. Keep up the good work.
~pandabear7
Wow, thanks! I'm glad you like it. Yes, imagery was intentional, that ismy favorite retorical strategy. As for the way I structured it, I usually have much more flowing poems, but the guy this is about and I were talking about my poetry, and he dared me to write a poem in iambic pentameter with structured stanzas, so I did. Mine are usually the opposite of structured, so it was quite a challenge!
With the first two lines, "If I passed myself on the street today/I don't think I would recognize myself," it sounded a lot like me. When I do look at myself in the mirror, I think it's a different person than who I am. Plus, when it rains, I do feel like a new person, a negative person. I'm assuming that a lot people are different depending on how the weather's like. I wish I could be a nicer, more fun person when it rains.
Then, we get to the second stanza, the heartbreaking part. We finally get that this poem has a more romantic approach. I'm getting teary-eyed when the narrator talks about the girl that the boy left her for, the poor thing.
Then, we get to the third stanza, the transformation. Every time it rains for this girl now, she's reminded of her ex, who left her for another girl to love. Whenever it rains, she always remembers of the times that she had with her love. That puts me into tears.
I don't have anything to really critique on this except for please continuing writing. Poetry is your best friend here.
Haha, it's funny that you thought that cause he isn't my ex. We're just sort of in that not quite a couple stage until school starts, plus he's away for most of the summer so I just miss him.
I'm glad you like it, though, and I'm glad you could take something different from this.
Well, then, I'm so wrong that in department XD
I feel much like you described in the first part when it rains. Rain and fog make me feel that way. Nice work. I like this piece of poetry, it's great. Storm clouds are more than something gloomy, and it seems that we both understand that very well. I love your poetry!
~Kelpies.
Hey there! Review Mode: On
Wow. This was AMAZING. It was very well written and had a lot of feeling to it. I really can't criticize anything except maybe this line:
You seemed very professional before and after that, and it slightly disrupts the flow, in my opinion. Maybe try 'so I've no reason to be sad', or something among those lines. Another thing is that that part ended with a period, so you should probably start
On the next line. Same thing with
Finally, at the last line, as you did with all the other ones, add a period, to signal to us readers the poem is done and the flow stopped.
You did great, I really enjoyed reading this!
~Fade
Fade, I was writing in iambic pentameter, which is why some lines had an ended sentence and part of a new one. Thanks for reviewing, and I'm glad you liked it!
Ah, I forget about that! Sorry! Anyways, good job!