I don’t see you
in the same pale radiance
of before
Gruesomely fluorescent,
faked,
you do nothing to warm me
from the heart out
like you once did
I thought
for sure I’d have to
pull the switch
just to let you go
but it was easier
Like man-made lights always go out,
so forced affections will, too.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hi there again, I was just scrolling through the poems and at random chose this one. it looked good, then I realized it was from the same person I had just done a review for a few minutes ago.
Anywho, getting back to the point I. absolutely. love. this. poem. Like no joke I seriously cried, when I got done reading it. You have such a way with words! Seriously it is an accomplishment if you can get me to cry! I felt like I needed a soft pillow, hot chocolate, and some movies to make me feel better after reading this.
Its just so true the way you described it, I mean I have never thought of breaking up with someone like that after they have hurt you or the sparks are just gone, but still the way you put that. OMG AMAZING!!!!
Good Luck with more poems, I will definitely be looking forward to them!! Keep up the good work and write on!!!
Hey, rhiasofia! I'm here for a review~
Okay. I like the opening three lines. Are these where you originally started writing the poem? They feel like they are the lines that influence and inspire you to want to write a whole poem about them, so that's why I ask. I like them. I like the story they build in so short a time: the previous sight, the pale radiance building not only an idea of the emotion toward the listener, but also a quality of light to fall on the scene -- like a color in the back of our minds. The color of light, pale radiance.
But I'm not sure that carrying the idea of "light" throughout the whole poem worked very well. It seemed like pretty shallow parallel ideas, like you were trying to find ways to match what you wanted to say with "light" ideas just to keep a theme throughout. What would happen to this poem and to your message if you took out the light comparisons? What words would you choose then? What images would you want to move through if you couldn't rely on lightbulbs and switches? I'm very very curious.
I do like the closing, though. I like the idea of a light, no matter how long it takes, burning out in the end, and it sometimes seems like crushes and fleeting longings take just as long to go away completely.
I hope these suggestions and thoughts are helpful to you!
PM me or reply to this review if you have any questions/comments about what I've said.
Good luck and keep writing!
Hannah
Thanks for the review.
.
Those were the very first lines. They sort of stuck in my head all day and begged to be written, and I wanted to see where it went with the light analogy. I do see what you mean about it not being a very deep parallel, and I'm probably going to add more to this, but nothing has fit yet. I want to add more that's free from the light theme. THis is sort of the poem's skeleton
Thanks again!