Memory wraps her arms around my body
I am finding small
hints at what I am
from the warmth of her body
Memory wraps her arms around my
body from behind
But things change.
I'm not the same.
If you found the snarled remains
of an old cocoon, and thought for a moment
that whoever abandoned it is the same
mystery now
then you are wrong
Memory wraps her arms around my
body from behind and
covers my eyes
I make my choices
blindly
without forgetting, truly
what remains beyond my shielded lids.
And in that way,
a boy I thought I'd one day love becomes
a stranger, a boy I
thought I couldn't forgive
finds the way to make me smile
(pulls her fingers from my eyes just
far enough to see that he
is not the way I left him.)
Eyes my covers. Behind from my body
her arms wrap but
Memory does not practice deception.
She plays at seeing things in
a new light.
In new light, I play
out memories.
I play new memories out in the light.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Seems like this time I'm going to review.
1. The italics, like the people who reviewed below you, this really helped me when reading your poetry. I have a habit of reading poetry out loud when given one (i think everyone does this, right?) and those italics really gave me the dramatic effect, i think.
2. About the punctuation. For me, it would really help if you added some more. I couldn't determine where to stop or continue or wha-- You know it would really help if you, you know, add some.
3. Overall, I loved this piece like all your other poetry.
Keep on writing, I hope this short review helps.
Hey rhia! Writer here to give a review. (This doesn’t count for the reviews you won in the contest, unless you want this to be one of the reviews.)
So I’m gonna attempt to review this, because, as usual, it’s pretty much perfect.
So there are a few things, but these don’t have to be changed if you like them the way they are.
Hmm, here there is a slight repetition with “body.” Was that intentional? Probably. Knowing you, everything written has a strong purpose. But I’m just going to point it out anyway. I like the italics, though. They definitely add a nice touch to the opening stanza.
I’d be a little bit careful here. With the first two lines, you have normal sentences with normal punctuation. And then in the next few lines, you have this super awesome sentence that has no punctuation, and then the last line, whether it’s a sentence of its own or not, too has no punctuation. I think you knew that already, but again, just pointing these things out. I see a comma, but there is no period. I would probably put it after “wrong” for a full stop. Same goes for all the last lines in every stanza, just so there is some consistency. Up to you, however
I was just slightly confused here (I reread these lines three times I think >.<). I think the part that threw me off was “without forgetting, truly” Are you trying to say that this speaker will truly never forget? In that case, I would put a comma after “truly,” to set it off, because
“without forgetting what remain beyond my shielded lids” is a whole line by itself. The “truly” really adds to the poem and that line, but it needed one little comma
Ooh this was a new twist. I lurve it, of course. But why did you start off with a verb? Just a little confused, (yes, I had to reread that too
Gah this totally messed me up XD I like it, because it’s backwards. It’s as if you’re looking at things in a different light or angle (right? I don’t want to misinterpret this piece of art). Ooh I wrote this before I read that last line (She plays at seeing things in a whole new light) You know, it would be cool if you didn’t even add that line, just to add more mystery to it. Of course, you should keep it, but poetry is always something people should work on interpreting, which not only enhances their reading skills but their understanding skills (if that makes…any…sense >.<) I just thought it was really cool what you did.
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Hello again!
I love your poems so much I can't stay away~
I really like what you did here with the italics. It's like you're building a block tower, stanza by stanza. I was kind of disappointed that the last one wasn't exactly the same plus one, but I think what you did was necessary.
The first stanza sets the tone. We discover that memory is a good being (sometimes it isn't). We see this person is searching themselves, finding new things about themselves, but doing so in a gentle, self-reflective way, like pondering over the past with a cup of hot chocolate by the fire. You word choice makes this all sound so tender.
I really like the cocoon imagery in this second stanza, and how it relates to memory. You realize you really aren't the same as you have been in the past. It works so well. The journey is not easy, so the cocoon is snarled, like tossing and turning in your sleep and getting the sheets all twisted.
I think there's a typo there somewhere? It doesn't really connect with the next line, or with it self. Perhaps I'm reading it wrong.
Next stanza! Again, I really like the metaphor here. We do see the past (and the world) with our eyes closed.
Something I wasn't sure about at the end of this stanza was the placement of the boys.
I thought you were saying that the one you were going to love ended up being horrible in the end, and the one you couldn't forgive turned out to be good. But then you have that little parenthetical, and I'm wondering if I've got that flipped around? "he is just the way I left him" sounds like "he is as unforgivable as I thought."
I liked the way you flipped the last two lines around and inverted them, but it felt like kind of a weak way to end a strong poem. Maybe it wasn't supposed to though. I usually don't make any break-through discoveries when I inspect my memories. I just look at them-- play with them in the light-- and then set them aside when I'm done, kind of like an anticlimactic poem.
I still like flashy endings though. What can I say.
So yeah, I liked this poem, and I thought it was effective for its purpose.
Thanks for writing and sharing it! Great job, Keep writing!
~fortis