It is no new or wondrous thing for me
to find my way out of doors, into a ceaseless
and grey drizzle that washes color from my eyes.
Or to move against the earth, with fingers
that fidget against my thighs
in muted anger, to pull soft clumps
of clover and shamrock from the ground
and calm my hands to weave them into tender circlets in my hair.
There was wonder in my eyes, however,
when one swayed heavier, with leaves mirrored
perfectly around in a pattern of four.
The trick is to be at your lucks end, with no hope
and not even enough care to want anything better.
Then, when the slender stalk topped
with four waving appendages is held up to the peep of sunlight
and scrutinized, you can't help but let a bit of a smile show.
You can't help but show it off and hope
that this means things will be better.
But I will tell you, there is no charm to the sound
of your own sisters muffled tears rising
above even the drone of the vacuum
you have been pushing along before you for
longer than you care to remember
so it took all of my power, later, not to
pluck that fourth verduous heart from its stem,
and lord over its broken body that it is nothing special,
there is nothing more to it to make it any different,
and then leave its corpse to rot among
all those other three-leaves.
But I am no hypocrite;
too many times I have heard what I am not
and what I will never be to pass it on.
Instead, I press it, four leaves still intact
into a book, in the hopes that one day I will find it
when the luck's all there.
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140,110 Literary Works • 673,017 Reviews
You found a four leaf clover on Friday the 13th? Well, my mother did always say it was a lucky day, but I never believed her until now.
There's not much I can say that hasn't already been mentioned, so I'll keep this review short but sweet.
Because of how compact the lines seem, the poem was quite like a story, almost a fairytale. It was beautifully written, all the words worked together in harmony. I'm going to point out my favourite parts, because knowing what you did right is just as important as knowing what you did wrong.
so it took all of my power, later, not to
pluck that fourth verduous heart from its stem,
Heart from its stem grabbed my attention and I liked the imagery.
You can't help but show it off and hope
that this means things will be better.
I don't even know how it's possible. But when I read these lines by themselves, they seem to rhyme! Perhaps it's the way I read it, but well done anyway.
to pull soft clumps
of clover and shamrock from the ground
and calm my hands to weave them into tender circlets in my hair.
I like this because... well you know how well you've written it.
Hi, Rhia!
That section there? I feel like it's dragging the poem down. It's just a little too much to take in all at the same time. I like the feeling behind it, and I like that this poem contains so many emotions, but there's something about that section that slows the pace waaaaaay down. I'm not saying to cut it, but maybe condense it a little.As always, this is excellent. It gave me shivers, too, the quiet joy that turned to anger and desperation, bitterness at good luck dangled so close but out of reach.
I love your poetry because they're about small things that allow us to see bigger things. And here we have exactly one of those poems. A four leaf clover, given at the worst (or perhaps best) time.
There is only one thing I'd like to talk about that might improve this at all.
The introduction is very nice. It sets up the poem well. However, the middle bit about the four leaf clover, is a little long. Well, not long, per se, but you describe the clover in so many ways, and I think you should describe it once and then refer to it as the common name, as the imagery there almost gets to be a little too much.
I really enjoyed reading this. Thank you for sharing! I hope you found this useful to you! Happy poeting!
It has been quite a while since I saw your poem around here. So, should I get this honor of reviewing your amazing piece of work? I will, for sure.
See you!
So, here I go.
Well, it was really nicely written. One good thing about this poem was that it wasn't too long and nor too short. Just perfect!
One thing that the sentences were getting too long sometimes, like in your second and fourth stanzas. I suggest you to be a little consistent with the words to use in each sentence of every stanza.
The way you started the poem was really neat and amazing. It couldn't have gotten better. Really! I always struggle as to how to begin poems and you made it look so easy to write. Just amazing stuff there from you.
Also, the free flow of your writing kinda suited this kind of poem. The ending seemed really good too. Well done on that.
It could have been a rhyming poems, and I personally like rhymes, but still it was really good and I liked it. I hope to read more of your work in the future.
Don't forget, you are awesome!
Wow, this is great but busy. I think you need a little more rhythm and a lot more line breaks. It is read like a paragraph which would be fine if it wasn't a poem. I think you should exaggerate the natural breaks in it- try to get it said by the reader in the same way it would be said by you. Now, the slow drizzle is ambiguous. I would prefer if you slowed down maybe describe the weather before you move on ect. Also wondrous and new say too different things - to include both makes the whole thing kind-of seem like two different sentences. Again about the busy- it's hard to follow because the sentence has just so much going on. I mean it does give the character a sort-of interested feeling but it sacrifices clarity.
The line breaks to me have more of a pause then the punctuation, I mean it could be different to other people but I strongly don't believe so. I think that when you want to break it apart, try doing both breaks and punctuation otherwise it is read very fast.
you forgot a p in appendages
___
I liked the vocab, it was very original. I think it could be more concise and clear. Anyways overall it is a good poem.
Thank you kindly
I tried changing the first stanza around accordingly, and adding more enjambment. If you get the chance to read back over it, I'd love to know if you like it better this way.
And thanks for catching appendages, appreciate it
Th first stanza is better, the second stanza is WAY better. Now, I hit on the first stanza but I didn't explain myself too well - it's not really just the rhythm. It's kinda awkward and that's really why I think it doesn't have rhythm - with the weird sentence structure there aren't that many natural breaks in it. Below I kinda give some ideas about how to make it a little less awkward -
out of doors -outside
It is no new or wondrous thing - It's not new to me
with fingers that fidget against my thighs - My fingers fidget against my thighs, and also - I just keep imagining the weirdest body posture, when you're angry it almost seems weird to have your fingers on your thighs
And this which makes little sense
into a ceaseless - into a not ending?
If you want me too I will give another review that is more on-point.
* the ceaseless comment was really how you used it. If you had said it like 'into a ceaseless grey drizzle' it would be fine, but you added in that and on the line down from it