The goldfish shakes its little head against the glass
with "no, no, no. no."
and the water bubbles with a renewed determination, furious. We
gather in the foyer
to watch the bubbles scream, watch the fish
in its mirrored denial.
Bottlenecking in the closest exit, ready
to escape from this red throbbing
hands-over-ears-"no no no"
plastic hearts, dully thud
promise that the world is all the same;
shake. Shiver. Pass it on.
Refuse. Deny. Grow gills
and beat out your own tune of shaking no's.
to be a fish, it won't matter
who keeps us or where we fall apart or why
our world will go on, glassed
and listlessly circling
and denial
no family
for the fishes
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hello! Prepare for a review!
To begin with, let's start out with the title! It's a nicely selected one, it considers the poem's subject--obviously a goldfish for a subject as well as its main purpose throughout the poem.
However, the impression that the subject that you've chosen--a goldfish--didn't really seem to inspire a thrill in the reader...initially.
Although a talking about a goldfish in a poem isn't common, as a poet, you should try to stimulate a response that makes readers interested. In the beginning it felt tedious, but I feel by the end of the poem you made up for that with the subject's situation and turning into something not too representative by the poem's end.
Another thing to add is the way the poem appeals to readers in general. I suggest trying to piece together a better way to organize the poem. Giving an organized poem that coincides with the sentences or phrases before makes it easier for readers to read and become enlightened with every word. Goldfish Getaway appeals to a reader visual and reasoning and having a systematic yet fluent poem catches more of an interest and of the subject. The ideas being organized is essential and using a different form, if possible, might help.
For example, in this area of the poem:
You might want to separate that into a different stanza by itself rather than bunch it up with actual sentences.
Speaking of words, I loved the words you used in the poem! You gave an onamonapia effect on the bubbles, saying, "scream" to evoke a better mood in the audience as well as throughout the poem. Words such as, "renewed determination", "mirrored denial", and so on are useful in preparing your audience for that end.
The word choice definitely strengthens your poem.
Your idea to give a deeper meaning to a goldfish is also commendable, though there could've been a brief foreshadow or uniformed the meaning to the end. It's fine the way it is presented,don't worry about it.
In the end, I'd say it was an interesting take and read!
Hi there!
First off: nitpicks.
It's should be its. What you are using now is it is, and you don't want that in this case.
Maybe put a period at the end of this?
Okay, I'll be honest here:
Organize this, a lot. . Like, a lot. I suggest making stanzas (one thought, then a break, then another thought, etc). Stanzas would help clear this up and organize your writing a lot more.
Also, (unless it is your style of writing, and you did it on purpose) I suggest capitalizing some things. You can make the starting of each line start with a capital (you don't have to).
Hope this short review helps!
WillowPaw1~
What I recommend is that you organize your poem better. You may want to break it into stanzas and make sure that the sentences start on a new line. You also have some grammar mistakes, like in the first sentence(The goldfish shakes it's...) it's is a contraction for it is. This means you are saying "The goldfish shakes it is little head against the glass". In this example, you should use the word, its.
I also recommend, to make it more dramatic, at the last sentence capitalize No(as in no family) and then capitalize for(as in for the fishes). You could also add 1 to 2 spaces between the two phrases to create the same effect.
Overall, I love the theme of the story, on how the goldfish is always stuck in its fish bowl. I personally, had 4 giant goldfish and they didn't have much space and they didn't seem very happy. The last stanza really spoke out to me because of Nemo. What if Nemo wasn't saved? This stanza would definitely refer to him.