Young Writers Society

Hi love! Aurora here for a quick review!
The green room must stay cleared!
Oh my god. I love this. It's bitter, harsh, has a lot of death and violence... Just my thing.
However, there are definitely a few critiques that I can give you .

The verse that starts with 'I grow strawberries' is wonderfully out of place. Until then, the overall mood is depressing and angry. That one verse is... Well... Bittersweet. And sadly out of place in a poem that deals with a lot of death and destruction.

All in all, a good poem!
Keep writing, love
Aurora

Oh god, this poem is absolutely dripping with Summer.

I have to say right away that the stanza beginning with storms is absolutely perfectly strong, balanced, and rich, and you don't have to change a thing about that stanza. Please don't touch it! It's so gorgeous, and I love especially that "rotting plant" doesn't really evoke summer, but at the same time, that feeling of something modly and hot and wet in the bottom of your stomach totally evokes that sticky summer feeling.

Other stanzas have their strengths and weaknesses, and I think I'll just give my opinions on those and hopefully they'll be helpful if you're looking to edit this piece.

Stanza One

I like the image of brushing against a tree and receiving a dew crown. It's unique and yet real at the same time, but the weakness in this stanza is how you present this image. You present it as if it's something to be avoided, like "be careful not to brush against the trees", when that doesn't really fit with the rest of the poem, about getting all the way into summer, holding nothing back. The burning away by afternoon bit is also very real and starts getting our temperatures up in preparation for the rest of the poem.

Stanza Two

I feel like this is the weakest stanza, mainly because I can't quite figure out the image. Is this narrator literally stepping on cherries? If so, don't the pits like HURT? Haha. The image of cherry blood on bare skin would be lovely to show summer, but I think you have to clear up that stanza. The idea of the backs of the legs spatter is very honest, but not really linked to anything else.

Stanza Four

Hmm. Cherries stain. I feel like strawberries are more watery and stain with less vivid color, so that image doesn't quite work for me, and especially not paired with an obvious weak metaphor about the loneliness. I don't want you to talk about loneliness when I know you have the skill to just mention an image and evoke that loneliness in me. Don't take the easy way out! haha.

Stanza Five

First of all, I have no idea why this narrator, who immerses herself so fully in summer, wants to HATE it all. I love the space that you create in the image of being in the car and the lightning -- not just any lightning but that beautiful, spacious, far off heat lightning -- off somewhere in the sky.

I think, however, you can bring the poem to a more subtle end. You can find something close and warm to bid farewell to the reader with instead of just the common "I wanna stay here forever". I know you can. You created these strong images. With just a little more care, this poem will be gorgeous the whole way through!

I hope these thoughts are helpful~

PM or reply to this review if you have any questions.

Good luck and keep writing!

This review courtesy of