If there are days when my pulse
is just too heavy
for me
my chest collapses into me
mache bones tissue skin;
the ruin left is a poem.
in a heavily-medicated slumber, my
father murmurs affirmations to each sound
father will you forget me if
I leave?
met positively,
"mmhm"
and it isn't fair to find this as an incentive,
but it's hard to forget
when the countless offenses line up
like tally marks, begging to be let out
from beneath the skin I've never split
and the whole world wants to write my life off
as "just a phase,"
so give me a reason to smile
(besides her eyes, which I
am not supposed to love.)
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
woooo, teen years ftw -3- (>-_-)> A+ For You <(-_-<) -3-
good job
For starters I love this poem, it's relatable. Also the "homemade daughter" in your title made me wanna read it. I like the wording and the way you spaced it "like tally marks......never split". For me my favorite part is the last stanza, it was the part that made me say, I know how that feels. Your voice is unique and nice, not too formal, but not too crazy out of the box. It has a good flow.
Wow! What an amazing, emotionally moving piece. I'll be honest, I don't really like the title. It's too wordy and gives away the theme of the piece too quickly, in my opinion. I feel like just the first two words would be sufficient enough as a title. But that's just my thought - you are the author and you get to title your own work
The first few lines are just amazing - really wonderful use of imagery.
Just a few suggestions:
"father will you forget me if
I leave?"
I feel like the flow would be better if it was written as: "Father, will you forget me / if I leave?"
Also, just wanted to mention your lack of capitalization and punctuation. I know you do have a poetic license here, but many readers (like me) do prefer the use of full stops to give a sense of rhythm to the work. Again, your choice - just a suggestion.
Overall, this piece is very touching. Keep up the talented poetry.
This was absolutely beautiful!
I guess I'll start off by saying that your title of this poem is amazing. It drew me in right after reading it.
This poem had just the right amount of imagery and metaphors to paint a clear picture. The message is powerful and it has a great mystery to it as well.
I am not at all surprised that this is on the homepage. You deserve it!