Rust stains and lost notes

Hi, rhia!

I love reading your poetry. It's so image rich; it takes me away and lets me experience the narrator's emotions and I love seeing what new images you come up with.

That being said, there are a few suggestions I'd like to make that might make this poem even better.

The thing that stood out to me most that might use some improvement is your line breaks. Some of them felt a bit disjointed and I didn't really understand why some of the shorter lines had their own line because they weren't that important. Honestly, I've done the same thing in the past, but when I edited those lines out, or included them within other lines, the poem felt much better to me. Here are the short lines that I think should be incorporated into other lines, usually by making them the beginning of the next line.

you may not

You can't tarnish

you will

that I don't

which allow that I

flyash

helpless incatation

I refuse to fall

Rhiasofia,

I simply chose this poem because of its title. Definitely very intriguing and set up a beautiful doorway for its contents. Great job there.

When I read the first sentence, I already read it wrong, and had to read it two times further to understand. I think it was because the cut off was awkward. But I do see your attempt at not making the sentences too long, and you tried to even the first two out. I suggest dividing the two into a third sentence.

"my memories may be metal, but you were never
the oxygen that was in my lungs or swirling about"

instead maybe,

"my memories may be metal,
but you were never the oxygen
that was in my lungs or swirling about"

This way, the first sentence is still super engaging and isn't intimidating by being too long.

See, I really love this piece of poetry. It's so different. It's that factor that no one tries to even consider in a breakup: standing up for themselves. It's just perfect. Great idea. My eyes started to get teary just reading the first stanza.

So what caught me off guard was your capitalization. But as I'm writing this I just realized why you only capitalized 'I'. It shows defiance. It shows that 'you are not better than me and you will not destroy me and what we had, and that I will not let it happen'. Awesome job with that idea!

Another catch was your pick-and-choose punctuation. For that one, I can not find a symbol. Not even your very last sentence has a period, but perhaps that is a typo. For me, looking at it is that as you were picking your theme and working on the flow in the beginning writing this, you were constant with the punctuation, just because it was starting out. As you starting to gather ideas and try to put them down before forgetting, punctuation wasn't your biggest worry which is why it seems laid back in the end. See I am not the kind of person to actually point out punctual errors, so I'm super sorry that I can't be more detailed with this. I just suggest that you keep reading through this, and where you stop for pauses in your speech, make sure you have something in the poem so the reader knows to pause too.

Fantastic job on this poem. I'm proud to give it a star!

Keep expressing.

-Percybeth

Hi there, Rhia! Here to review your poem.

My first impression of this was it's a bit... rambly. Rather choppy, to agree with Thewriter13, but beneath that I think this is a gem. And gems can be polished and cut to become shinier, right?

So let's examine some parts in your piece. Many words and phrases are used here that could be cut off, they are redundant. They distract from the piece rather than enhance it. A few examples would be:

ugly and brittle

toxic
or destructive

I don't mourn, don't
murmur your name like a prayer, a
helpless incatation to bring you back.

any which way, you will
become something I don't see anymore
but I know will be part
of something beautiful
part of the air, part of the earth;
but part, never whole

I refuse to fall
I am a tree, but you
were never my tap root.

Thewriter13 here to review this amazing poem!
Just to say, the tree metaphor you used in this was genius. I think you're a very talented poet and I enjoyed reading this piece.
The way you have the poem formatted was a bit choppy for me. The rhythm was broken up so I had to backtrack a few times and reread certain lines, but I understand that might be intentional. After all the formatting of poetry is always essential in conveying the message.
Perhaps work on a smoother flow if you wish.
Example:
"the oxygen that fills my lungs and surrounds them,
you may not
oxidize them until they rust away
into something ugly and brittle." The "you may not" threw me off but you don't have to change the flow of the poem if you don't want to.
The word choice in this poem is excellent! I commend you on the imagery, as poetry is all about imagery as well.
I also didn't understand this line:
"but I know is part
of something beautiful" Are you still talking about "you" in these lines. Perhaps change "is" to "will be" as repetition, since you said
"any which way, you will
become something I don't see anymore"
I love this poem and I appreciated every line.
Keep writing