Propped messily against the chalky
white garage door, perched
at a roost atop my driveway
beneath the summer's excuse for dusk,
I'm thinking that I'm
supposed to be sad,
but am not quite feeling it just yet.
Their screams fight to be heard
over the usual sounds of summer, but
I suppose those are my usual
sounds of summer
I used to cry when they'd get like this,
but now
I just watch the sky. Bats flit
like the thoughts that have
got out of my head and
freed me;
"black fleet of flying stitches,
thank you for
the peace".
because now the change
I once feared seems
like such a welcome stranger
I would like so very much to meet.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hey rhiasofia!
I really liked this! It read so well and smoothly and it made me feel quite peaceful.
A couple of little thoughts:
I know that normal rules of grammar don't need to apply to poetry, but I still can't help paying attention to them and "trying to minimise the casualties". With that said, the first "sentence" in this poem that ends with "just yet" is not really a sentence at all because there's no subject or a finite verb to go with that subject and I can't believe I'm bringing something like this up in a poem review. >.> However, it does bother me a bit! If you look at it closely, you see you say "Propped [...] and thinking that I'm..." and it doesn't really make sense. It sounds beautiful and I like it very much otherwise, but it just disturbs me that it's so incomplete as a grammatical structure. And I'm very sorry I'm paying so much attention to something like this in a poem!
In this bit, "Bats flit / like the thoughts that have / gotten out of my head" I feel like the whole stanza would flow better if you had "got" instead of "gotten". I really like this line though.
To be honest, I can't really think of much else to point out other than that I really liked this overall for reasons I guess I already explained! Sorry this is not very in-depth though!
Demeter
x
Thanks! I used both of those suggestions, so hopefully it will sit a bit better. Don't worry, I love when people can fix my grammar even if it's just poetry, I'm just as nitpicky about it, and I don't know how something like that slipped by me.
Hmmmmmmm it was interesting, I really enjoyed this. Especially the part where you wrote "Bats flit like the thoughts that have gotten our of my head and freed me." A sense of freedom in a trapped world. Though whether or not you live in a trapped world, letting your imagination run wild is always stress relieving, and freeing. I found the line where you said "Their screams fight or be heard over the usual sounds of summer, but I suppose those are my usual sounds of summer." To be extremely saddening no one should have to go through that. Though the line was very flowing. That's what I like about your works, how they flow. Can't wait to read more. Keep writing! =^_^=
Hi, J.C. here for a review!
This poem is so cool in so many ways, and not just because it reminds me of Batman
I absolutely love playing with words, and here you've opened this poem with a wonderful rendition of cryptic fun. That last line is, while a bit cliche in its essence, classic.
Personally, I like to be kept in the dark until the last possible moment. I like to be confused as to what is being talked about. Your title sort of gives this away
Hadn't ever thought of bats in that way. Intriguing.
Funny how much of a paradox life can be sometimes.
Overall, I thought this was well written.
Thank you rhiasofia!
#TheFaultInOurReviews
Hi, Baesch here!
I overall liked this. You portray the sense of isolation that comes from a fighting parent-house very astutely, and the emotional value that you give it is easily responded to.
I have several issues with the mechanics.
Firstly, your first stanza evidences a disagreement within the same "sentence". "Propped" should be allied with "thinking" in this case. To keep the syllables in check, maybe it could go without the "and"?
My second issue is that in this stanza, too the "sentence" is not finished - it should have a full stop for example after summer - with the next part, as I see it, perhaps in brackets:
If it was me writing the poem, I'd change the way the lines break here as well to get an emphasis on "my" - I feel that somehow, by changing the punctuation,something has been taken from the poem, and that that might be thus corrected.
This feels slightly up in the air. The metaphor - flying stitches - is quite elusive, but I wouldn't necessarily criticise that. However, perhaps italicising or putting in speech marks could help to make it evident that you address the bats. Otherwise, it feels as though you simply continue the sentence irrespective of its meaning.
I very much liked the ending. You have put a very sweet exhaustion into this last line, emphasised by the "so very much". This also gives it a melodic ending, rounding off the rhythm that you continued throughout.
Beautiful! Keep writing!
PS: sorry if it feels a bit short in places, I'm really tired ;D