I am remembering you on the back
of a reciept, one too old to do
any good in returning whatever purchase
it represents, just as it has been
too long for you to return to me,
just long enough for me to not mind this,
the remembering.
By the end of us, we were worn
so thin and weary that I could cut you free
with dull scissors in dead darkness.
Just the same, you were already
so far away that I could lose you
in the light of day.
I knew you well enough to have notes
of your desires, spiral-bound,
but never well enough to know
what you really dreamed of,
what you needed the world to be.
Those notes were torn out long ago
to help me forget that the only way
that I was craved by you was the kind
fulfilled in a single night alone, not
one to grow over time,
to help me remember that I never
let you have what it was you yearned for,
never took what I thought I wanted of you.
Because I don't mind the leaving,
but no one can ever take pieces of me
if they go like this.
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140,101 Literary Works • 673,000 Reviews
RoyalHighness has arrived to review!
Normally I don't like just giving complimentary reviews with no real constructive criticism but honestly, I'm looking for flaws and I still can't find any.
Rhia, I don't know if you know this, but I've been a fan of your poetry for quite a while and I'm seriously just honored to be the first to review your awesomeness.
No nitpicks, of course; thank you for being consistent with grammar and punctuation!
Let's begin the barrage of praise, shall we?
Content
Spoiler
This is a fabulous example of contemporary poetry at its best. You don't have a rhyme scheme because you don't need a rhyme scheme. I usually prefer rhyming poetry but the story you presented so captured my attention that the lack of rhyme didn't bother me in the slightest.
I love the story you present and I love the flow of the poem and I love your simple but dramatic diction and I love the way the stanzas seem unique yet consistent and flowing all throughout the poem, like the dual nature of light; your stanzas are both individual particles and huge waves of greatness. Just. Fantastic. Job. Ten stars out of ten, my dear. Ten.
You are a very interesting amorist! I normally dismiss more emotional poetry such as much of the work that you do, perhaps foolishly, but now I see that when done well it can stand as strong as the harshest world collision cinics prose. I just like your similes so much. It really illustrates, doesnt dictate, how the last anchors of a dying relationship can be severed with the tired and dull words of a lover without love. Those last bonds that turn out just like the rest to be weak and superficial. Your grammer always seems to be on its best behaviour, and you have a mind for structure. I didnt get distracted while reading, I read right to the end, the way one should follow through with a thought. Now Im gushing though, so in conclusion, you are not only a sufficient writer, but a budding one, and I hope to enjoy more of your work in the future ()()()(:)= have a caterpillar!
Hey,
My favorite aspect of this poem is the unique imagery. The title grabbed my attention right away, and the poem toke it from there. The comparison of a shopping return and the relationship, that's something that I don't see often in other poems. It's also well worded and deep. It was a nice read and I'm glad I stopped to read it.
Thanks!
Hello rhiasofia!
I really like the title of your poem, it totally stood out to me as I was scrolling through the Green Room.
The imagery was great, you didn't repeat words either which is excellent, I just really loved all your adjectives and verbs, they were flawless.
The only struggle I had throughout reading your poem, and maybe this contradicts what I just said, but I kept having to read things twice to figure out what you meant. Maybe I'm just being lazy and not fully with it the first time through. For the first three stanzas, that pattern was working for me - read, get confused, re-read, understand. Once I hit the third stanza, no matter how much I tried to re-read it, I didn't understand what you were trying to say. Maybe I'm just confused on how someone could adore you for one night alone, unless you're talking 'one night stand' business. Then I get it, but if you could clear that up for me, that'd be splendid.
In the last stanza, I didn't understand how they left. Because in the beginning you were making it sound like distance got in between them, not physically, but they could be next to each other and it would seem that their minds were a world away. In the end, you made the leaving sound very abrupt, like one day was perfect and the next day they never came back. So I'm a little miscombobulated there.
Going back to the third stanza, I liked the style of formatting, but I don't know why you changed it all the sudden and only there. Perhaps, the website glitched or something, I have no idea. But my suggestion is either make the entire poem match that formatting or make that stanza match the rest of the poem. But if you actually had an explanation for it, I'd be happy to hear!
So overall, good job, keep writing and I do like this poem excluding all my confusing.
Keep expressing.
-Percybeth
Percybeth,
The third stanza was meant to represent that the relationship had turned to be mostly a physical attraction, not an emotional attachment, and those are the type that tend to end as soon as one person gets enough of what they want, they tend to have no reason to want to continue a relationship.
And what do you mean about the formatting of the third stanza, what's different?
Okay, and the ending. It's complex. It did end b/c of growing apart, but the growing apart was very abrupt. There were no signs of anything going poorly, then I was being shut out, then it was done.
Thank you so much for clarifying! It literally makes so much more sense now and i love this poem even more!
Both lines that begin with "to help me" looks like they got tabbed or spaced inward, all of the rest of the lines are lined up with the left margin.
oh yeah I did that just to draw attention to them as seperate, contrasting things. I didn't see anything in the other stanzas that needed that sort of marking.