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floral ballerinas

by Charm, Arcticus, RubyRed


Wild flowers dance by the brittle riverbank
like ballerinas spinning on spin tops, swivelling.
this waltz is ancient, visceral,
and when the blossom souls pass by
they pick the fallen petals of long lost sisters,
recalling the memories of spring that vanished with the breeze.


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Thu Jul 06, 2017 2:10 am
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Audy wrote a review...



Marms, Arcticus, Ruby! <3

It is difficult to collaborate in poetry, so I just wanted to say you three did a fine job with this. The metaphor of dancing flowers is beautiful, I do think there is a sense of flow and lyricism in the poem, and there's this tone of softness and joviality which I enjoyed as well. It sounds lovely whisper-toned when read out loud, have any of you tried it? xD I was like ooo! I bet I can whisper this.

A couple of technical points:

The whole poem is structured as a simile, and I say for effectiveness - go full-metaphor! Gives it that oomph. By that I mean, instead of taking two lines to establish the comparison: wild flowers dance ... like ballerinas spinning on spin tops, swivelling -- make it a metaphor and condense it down? Something like:

floral ballerinas spinning by the brittle riverbank

I agree with Nikayla, you don't really need both spinning AND spin tops AND swivelling AND dancing AND waltz - it becomes superflous. Say it once, say it right!

Instead of devoting three or four lines to the dancing flowers - establish it once, and maybe expand on the riverbank? Why is it brittle? Is there a drought? Perhaps allude to the idea of a drought - or expand on the image a bit more. Don't just emphasize sight - give us sound and smell and taste and touch!

Same with waltz - ancient and visceral is telling rather than showing the reader a point. That being said the dancing petals as passing souls is pretty neat, and I like the tie in to "long lost sisters" and the vanishing in the breeze. Gives it a forlorn sense of loss.

Beautiful!

~ as always, Audy




Charm says...


<333 thanks for the review! (can you review crushing beneath the weight too <3333333333 pretty please <3 )



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Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:59 pm
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

So I know I happened to be in the pad while we were all poeting individually, though I didn't happen to see this! I love the idea of collaborative poetry. A note that while I'm writing this review this says that the user arc is a writer of this poem, though I'm in the belief that you meant Arcticus (I assume you just forgot to spell out the rest of his name). I have to say that I enjoyed the use of minimalism here, seeing as how short this poem ends up being with only six lines. I almost wonder who wrote what, though that's not what I wanted to jump into here.

Something small that I wanted to note is that 'this' in the third line isn't capitalized despite it beginning a new line. While the imagery here is interesting, I believe that the flow is a little off here. Ending the second line on 'swiveling' (also you spelled that word wrong but that's minor) feels a little odd. Another aspect that needed strengthening is the wording. 'Blossom souls' and 'fallen petals' coming close after each other feels odd, since they're both focusing on using adjectives and in general, the former is a little weird when it comes to wording.

While I enjoy what you're attempting to do here, I'm not sure how a riverbank is brittle. I'm also not sure of what a blossom soul is or why a waltz is specifically visceral. Choosing more appropriate adjectives may be something you may want to work on more here. The last line works for me, though it's nothing spectacular. Playing around and experimenting with this, since the concept is something fresh that I want to see with a stronger execution.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

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Wed Jul 05, 2017 8:42 pm
RishabhParmar wrote a review...



Hi,

NIce micro poem. Length is no barrier in poetry. Barrier is feelings. But you crossed that barrier and wrote good, teeny-weeny poem. I loved it. The imagination is good. You imagined everything in a good fashion. Good use of vocabulary. I liked some words, "visceral", you used it at right place. You did exactly what a good poet does! This is the correct way of writing poem, feel free to think and write good.

I loved it. Keep writing.

:)





Why do we only rest in peace? Why don't we live in peace too?
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