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125,005 Literary Works • 672,804 Reviews
Hello, Marmalade! ObsidianLight here to give you a review! If you have any comments or questions, you can reply or PM me! Please remember; you do not have to do, follow, or listen to anything I say! It is completely optional and up to you.
Honestly, I loved the feel of the poem. The imagery, I can hear, see, feel. I can feel both concrete nouns and abstract. Love. The feeling the author gets when listening to the other speak. The condensation on the soda cans. The flicker and crackle of the fire. The heat of the fire on my face.
Now, I don't know if you did this on purpose, but you did not capitalize a bunch of 'i's that are supposed to be.
I like the emphasized 'n e v e r' in the end. I feel it makes a point, it pushes out the love the author is feeling, how much they care for the other.
In the first line (This may or may not have been on purpose), you rhymed cans with hands. This was good, I didn't find any other rhymes, and I couldn't tell if there was a rhyme scheme or not. This confused me a bit.
Overall, my favorite kind of poetry is that full of similies, metaphors, and imagery. I think you did a very good job with just minor improvements.
--Obsidian
Hi, Marmalade!
So I'm feeling like there a couple distinct sections of this poem that don't quite jive for me as a reader just yet. First, you've got awesome imagery, that pierces me -- the soda cans, the hum of the voice, the cicadas (although that phrase is somewhat strange because you write he's talking about music, and then the cicadas are music, and it's a little too much music in different senses scrunched together for me!). Then, you've got the relationship phrases -- you always do, and i listen like i always do, AND i've got a war in my mind and i'd hate to fight it alone. Finally, there's this strange third layer at the end, which is the imperative -- suddenly going from description to ordering the listener around.
For me, I'm always drawn to the imagery. So for my style, I would try to smooth the other sections to match with the imagery, which seems to make up the bulk of this poem. I would want, for example, the discussion to be described kind of factually? like the rest is?: "the familiar topic of music finds a home draped over a wing of the fan, and i am waiting to catch it when it falls". Rather than necessarily bringing in the YOU and I.
Aside from this mismatched stuff that probably no one else has a problem with, I just really want to say how much I love the visceral imagery -- the sweat of the soda cans, the clammy palms, the honey pouring down, slow and warm and sweet. I might also be biased because I have found several poems that start with the same topic -- the condensation on drinks shared between people.
I hope some of this is helpful to you. I really appreciate you sharing this poem.
PM or leave a reply if you have any questions about this review, please!
Good luck!
Hannah
Hello Marmalade,
I really loved all the descriptions you used and how you can tell that the person in this is just head over heels for the other. This made me melt it was so cute. Very good!
I just want to ask what is the purpose of the lack of capitals? Does it symbolise the consistency of the relationship? Apart from that I find the poem very consistent and repetitive, its very effective in portraying the contrast between vulnerability of the individual alone, and how forming relationships strengthens individual's emotional strength. I assume that is what the poem is about, because it is a bit vague about what makes the writer have clammy hands. Perhaps you could add a few lines in the beginning hinting what makes the the writer scared.
Capitalization isn't something that is necessary in poetry.
Also just a tip, I wouldn't use "repetitive" the way you did, that is usually a negative description for poetry and a comment might not be heard the way you intended it to.
@Frinderman repetition is not a negative term it's a literary device and this poem does have repetition in it. Also @Silberfee thank you for your insight. the lack of capitalization is a style i use in all my poems since they are all part of one collection i've been putting together for a few months now. the narrator%u2015not writer%u2015is not scared. she is just a nervous person and the poem shows her significant other as her rock in a way. it's all fiction so there's not much deepness here like my other poems.
I apologize. Yes it is not a negative term and it is a literary device, I shouldn't have mentioned that but because I did what I should have stated was that it is often used in criticism, and though I realize now they did use that word properly, it usually is used to criticize too much of something. I personally don't like "repetition" as a description so my statement had bias.
If I review your work next time I'll try to remember not to use the word 'repetitive.' I know what you mean. When I submitted my portfolio in class my teacher often told me to remove lines that had the same meaning as previous lines or if I used the same words more than once e.g. 'again and again.'
Teachers are there to challenge you. They might have felt you overused it are were worried it was becoming a crutch and wanted you to try other things as well. Repetition has its uses, just like any other technique.