Out of Order

Hi manilla! I am finally here to review - only a month late! (In all seriousness, many apologies that it's taken me so long, life's been crazy lately!)

So let's get to the review,

First I want to say as a concept piece, I dig this. I like the way you incorporated image and italics and shifting rhyme scheme to help build the piece. Ending on the image that had the word "robot" but appearing as humanoid drove the point home - what is poetry, what is computer, what is humanity?

I generally don't like when people do the rhyme scheme "A,A,A,A | A, A, A, A, | B, B, B, B" because it looks like you either couldn't keep the stamina to do all "A" rhymes, or got carried away on the first two stanzas. Here though I sense a purposeful shift indicated by the rhyme scheme. At the point that the "B" rhyme comes in with the "ive" endings - there's a new epiphany that the subject is not just a machine, but there is something alive about it/them. The poem has its greatest shift in the second to last stanza when the poem changes to italics with strikes out - here there's not just a consideration that the machine is alive, but it is decided that the machine was alive.

I'm interpreting the image as a stanza on its own. And I like it, because it pushes the established poetic convention one more time. So the poem transitions from "overly formal, structured, rhyming" to "italics free verse couplet, less structured, more reliance on word appearance" to "one word, mixed image".

Now for some suggestions:
I'm not entirely sure what the first 2 stanzas are saying? As far as I can understand a computer screen is flashing and something's broken in it? It seems a bit redundant, like not much important is happening. The Queen line especially seems a bit out of place and the mid sentence rhyme feels forced. I think it might be improved if you considered adding a bit about what the machine had that made it seem human? Did it make decisions? Was it loved? Just knowing a bit about its function would help me as a reader connect more to the story. Give the reader a bit more food for thought when they get to that intriguing question at the end of whether it/them was machine or human or both.

I like how in your stanza about the machine breaking you mix mechanical imagery with the bodily imagery - might be interesting to do this more in the earlier stanzas as well. And I'm also curious how exactly the machine broke to begin with - this might give us another option to connect and have sympathy to the machine as a reader.

Overall, this is an interesting poem. As I said earlier, I like that you tried different things and melded this poem into something that is totally unique, in theme, format, and concept. Well done! Keep writing!

~alliyah

Hello my friend Manilla. Lives4Christ24 is here for a review. I hope I don't offend anyone, my purpose and intent behind my reviews is to build up other writers and help them by offering constructive criticism.
Well, to start I love the AABBCC.. rhyme scheme you have for this poem. I use this scheme often and I love the rhyming dictionary because of it. I like your poem, but feel like you should have rated it 12+ because of the last full stanza. This poem shows your creativity, and how you have a lot of it. I like your work and look forward to seeing more of it in the future.

this is super neat, great work! C:

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for this a si fi poem that describes what appears to be a malfunctioning robot or maybe some type of cyborg since indications of vaccinations that never worked are mentioned as visible on its arms.

Things I like

I like the whole poem actually. But here are some things that stood out. The rhyme scheme was excellent. Amazing how the rhyme scheme is kept true until the very end even though the same sound is repeated four times in each stanza! It made me chuckle. The poem isn’t listed under humor but to me a robot with a TV for a head clunking along with those displays going on and then finally losing its head entirely comes across as comical. Especially as i imagined the people looking on in utter horror as this contraption struggled to stay on its feet. Then when it prints out “Survive!” the head comes flying off? LOL!


Suggestions

“ . . . . repeating color scheme . . . .” and “ . . . . soft, white gleam . . . .”
It is either one or the other but not both at the same time. Or have them go in a sequence.


Hyphenation

. . . . out of order . . . .
[ . . . . out-of-order . . . .]

Once working . . . .
[Once-working . . . .]

Word-Repetition Proximity

Word “finally” used too close together.

What is a rose retro TV screen and rose gold CD??



Looking forward to reading more of your work.