please stop pressing against my head,
i know i'll never be the purebred my parents want me to be,
i know i'll never free myself of my thoughts of being dead.
-
all of this is repeating nonstop,
do you really eavesdrop on the conversations i have with friends?
please, see things from my lens, what we say is more than the one and the same,
take away the blame, take away my pens.
-
don't leave me drowning in this sea i call a "schedule",
missing out, leaving out of all they call "potential",
broken, lost, naïve dreams simply "consequential",
unexecuted through my being i call nonessential.
-
"never good enough" is never good enough of a label,
i've been rendered unstable, taken from the time that's left for me,
all my priorities are idiosyncrasies,
and my reality is unstable.
-
burnout is my method,
struggling for breath and,
all of this is complicated, i'm beginning to grow lightheaded
my memories are resented,
for they pose a childish gift i no longer accepted.
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
I left the Ryan you bring in this poem. And that's only one out of the thousand things I Like About your poem.
There's only one feedback I'm going to give you. In the first few lines you forgot to capitalize the I in the first pair. I know some authors when they write poetry Don't capitalize the first letter of their line, but if it's something like I then you are going to need to capitalize the i in that line. That's all the feedback I will be giving you because the rest of your things are good, such as your flow.
Bye.
Hi,
Not capitalizing any of the letters, even proper nouns/pronouns, is a stylistic choice of writing that helps convey the voice of the poem.
Thank you.
Oh okay, I understand..
Good morning to you (at least, morning from where I'm standing)! This is Biluata here to give you an early morning review, so please bear with any sleepy rambles. That being said, onward and upward into the review!
First Impression
I thought that some of the metaphors/expression you used throughout this poem were sort of banal, which made me a little sad, because the message that you're writing about is an extremely important one. That being said, please bear with me if my review seems a little harsh. I do my best to be thorough and brutally honest, since that's the kind of review that I find to be the most helpful. I also find myself being more picky about poems that deal with mental health.
Overall, the poem was pretty good. I think that with a little bit of work and revision, this poem could be great. Like i mentioned above, you have some phrases that are rather cliche or awkward (I'll address them further down) that takes away from your meaning.
Since mental health is a topic that is written about so often, by writing a piece dealing with it, you have to task yourself with finding a unique perspective/method of conveying your perspective.
Flow/Grammar
"purebred" is a strange term to use here.
"Thoughts of being dead" seems like you were only doing it for the sake of the rhyme scheme. I would strongly caution you against forcing the rhyme. It makes it rather awkward to read and doesn't really convey the meaning that you're working towards.
This line is really long compared to the others in the stanza and that takes away from the metrical rhythm that you've been creating with the rhyme scheme. I would recommend shortening the line. Other than that, the phrase is generally "through my lens" rather than "from my lens" and the "more than one and the same" seems awkward and ill-placed to me.
I quite like this stanza, though I do have a few nitpicks. The amount of quotations is sort of distracting and I'm not sure I like the effect (though this particular nitpick is a bit more about personal preference). The "through my being i call nonessential" probably should have a capitalized 'i', and the phrase doesn't make a lot of sense to me (meaning that I am struggling to interpret it).
I really like this stanza as well, and my only complaint is that 'work table' seems to be a phrase that you threw in there for the rhyme. It sort of distracts from your intended meaning, if you know what I mean.
I thought it was really interesting that your rhyme scheme isn't really apparent in this stanza. The effect is an interesting one, for sure.
Closing Thoughts
I did like the poem. I think it could use some tweaking and editing work and that your method of conveying emotion is a little overused, but it has a lot of potential. If you ever decide to do a rework/rewrite of it, I'd love to give it a read and a review! Please don't let my review discourage you from writing! You have a lovely voice in your works and I'm excited to watch you continue to nurture and evolve that voice! If you have any questions/concerns about my comments, I'd love to converse with you! Feel free to contact me. I hope you have a lovely day!
Cordially,
~Luata
Thanks for the review!
Hey there manilla! Tuck stopping by for a short review
The double 'of' prepositional phrases here are a little bit awkward. "i'll never free myself of my longing for death", if you want to go that intense, or "i'll never free myself from waiting for death", or another such variant that avoids the double 'of.'Before I begin, I wanted to say that this is clearly pretty personal to you, so I don't mean this to be attacking you at all or invalidating your feelings. This is just my opinion on how you could improve this poem. I feel like I should also warn that reviewing poetry is not one of my strong suits, but I'll do my best to give you the best critique I can! With that said, let's get into it.
I really liked this stanza. It had a nice melody, the message resonated with me, and I liked the way you put the last word of the first 3 lines in quotation marks. It was very well done.
This metaphor/rhyme felt a little bit forced, in my opinion.
If I'm understanding you correctly, then I think it might be better to say "gift i can no longer accept", since you dislike your memories because they remind you of times where you had privileges that you long for now, like freedom from all this stress and insecurity. In that case, I feel like it would be more of an issue because you can't accept this gift instead of the implication that you rejected this willingly because you disliked it.
Overall Thoughts
I thought that this poem's message was clear and understandable, and it really resonated with me. While I've never suffered from suicidal thoughts, I can relate to the constant stress and pressures of school, society, and family, and in that way I thought that the poem was a good expression of that, although certainly more extreme than my own thoughts.
One thing I noticed is that you didn't have a consistent stanza length. The first stanza was 3 lines, which was a good length to be short and punchy, but the last stanza was 5 lines of slightly varying length. I think that playing with line length and line amount in stanzas would give this a better flow and connect the stanzas better.
The lack of capitalization felt right for this poem, so I think that was a good artistic choice on your part. To me, lack of capitalization conveys lines that flow right together while still being separate. That consistent thought flow type of feel made sense for this poem, and I think that capitals in this poem might be too jarring for what you're conveying.
Hopefully this review was helpful to you! Like I said, poetry reviews aren't my strong suit, but I hope I gave you some feedback that you can use to improve. I'd be happy to answer any questions you might have on my review and provide additional clarification. Great work on this!
~MJTucker
Thanks for the review! I'm glad my message came across as clear.