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E - Everyone

I, She

by manilla



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442 Reviews


Points: 14670
Reviews: 442

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Sun Dec 30, 2018 5:46 pm
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Hello hello!

Returning the favor, as one does. Also I am super curious to know what my own work inspired someone else to write. A bit selfish and self-centered, but oh well.

Let's dig in:

General Comments:

1. I almost think this is too vague, both in the presence of specific, sensory details, and in its message and context. Maybe this is a little hypocritical, considering how very little I said about the situations of some of my poems, but I also understand that it's very hard to filter what is necessary or unnecessary to mention, and that as the writer, you have context that other people do not. Finding a good balance is really difficult!

2. Your capitalization and punctuation in the first two stanzas was pretty consistent, but then it just about disappeared in the third. If this was on purpose, then I get why you'd choose to do that, but I find that breaking your punctuation and capitalization rules in a poem works best if it's done in a way that is either very obvious, or really centered around one to three lines (depending on the length of the overall poem).

3. It's clear that you have some kind of running motif about writing and paper, but I think it could be clearer. Maybe not as clear as in "Blue," because that was super over-the-top, but bringing it up more often, even in just words that have some connection to writing, might help.

4. Lovely mood overall. I always like a poem with good old straightforward, honest wording.

Detail Work:

1. In the line, "She scribbles a few words..." you switched tenses. If you did that on purpose, then I'm sure it's for some reason (though it doesn't stand out to me, which is why I'm pointing it out), but remember that just because you're writing poetry, doesn't mean you get to ignore the rules of grammar. It's about breaking them on purpose.

2. I like that 'meek courage' phrase! Oxymoron is just so hard to come up with, and I love it when people use that stuff. Makes my little wordplay-loving heart just sing.

Overall, lovely! It's always really cool to see how people inspire each other (and as I write this, I'm coming up with ways to edit poems four and five in my collection)! It's like a really fun feedback loop.

Great job! Happy review day!
-Vento




manilla says...


Thanks for the helpful review! Happy review day.



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274 Reviews


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Sun Dec 30, 2018 1:05 am
Dossereana wrote a review...



Hi there @manilla I am here to do a review on your poem. First thing I think it is a grate length to start.

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I feel like there is more lines needed at the beginning of this, So I will go and put some more lines for the beginning in suggestions, with this work it feels like the girl or boy gets in trouble a lot, but sometimes gets away with it but now they are not for the excuses are running low, I can say that it feels like the person that is looking after this other person, is not a very good teacher or parent, I do feel like there is not much description in this poem, for instants we don't even no how your righting about if there a boy or a girl what there names, I think that there is a lot of things that you could ad to make this a bit better. I am also going to do some suggestions after the last line for I feel like there should be more there.

What needs a bit of work

I guess she watched me save my tears for later
I am not really shore of what you really mean bye saying this, for it is not good to hold your tears in,

Suggestions
Lines for beginning: I felt my heart start to shiver,
Lines for beginning: as she starts to hurt me,
Lines for beginning: I feel the tears are coming but I try to hold them in.
Lines for the end:back to you I say,
Lines for the end:you are not going to make me cry,
Lines for the end for I am strong and will not give up.
So that is all that I can say, I hop you like my suggestions please tell me what you think of them, also keep up the grate work here.

@EagleFly out to seek and kill




manilla says...


Thank you for the review. What I meant by the beginning line was that the narrator, at the time, was happy at that point of their life, but later, that would change after that "muse in the screen" would leave as the girl saw everything the narrator was doing. I hope that clears a few things up.



Dossereana says...


It Does thank you. :D




If all pulled in one direction, the world would keel over.
— Yiddish proverb